All I Want For Christmas, I Have...

The holidays have been difficult for me for many years; they just aren't what they used to be when I was growing up. Being on the adult side of the holidays, they seem to be all about planning and obligations rather than magic and wonder... but this year is different.

I am still having mild anxiety about things in general, but the Holidays aren't really getting to me as much. And I think I know why...

Intentions vs Reality

A while back I wrote a sort of review on Mayim Bialik’s book “Beyond the Sling” and listed my parenting intentions once becoming a mom. While those intentions are still at the forefront of my thoughts, reality also set in and things are not going exactly as planned; and that’s ok!

So what has changed?

Truth About Baby Blues

No matter how hard I may have tried to have this baby, the baby blues still hit me pretty hard in the beginning. Thankfully not for long and DH was pretty awesome about it, but it just goes to show that no one gets a free pass when it comes to depression.

I was ashamed to admit it at first, but once I opened up to a couple of friends about it and had their support I felt a ton better!

From Sushi To Eggs Benedict

Throughout pregnancy there’s a variety of foods you shouldn’t eat, and in my case a bunch I couldn’t have due to GD. I am still being careful with my sugars until I redo the diabetic testing, but those other foods I couldn’t have? I am hitting them one by one and enjoying every minute of them!

Honestly, I had NO pregnancy cravings, but I am having a ton of post-partum cravings now!

Breastfeeding Is A Bitch!

I just received a card from my BFF that reminded me that being a mom is the toughest job you could ever have. And, while I have only been doing it for a couple of weeks, I can see why.

And that reason, at the moment, is breastfeeding!

It has been the most difficult part of the last couple of weeks, with many highs and lows. I am trying my best and taking every bit of advice I have been given, but I also need to maintain my sanity and figure out my Plan B (or I think we are at Plan C now) in case this just doesn’t work out. Some days I think I spill more tears onto the baby than milk into her at this point!

48hrs Of Postpartum Care

So after 19 hours of labor, 1 hour in surgery and a couple of hours in recovery we were finally taken to our new room in postpartum care; wheeled there on a gurney, still heavily drugged with baby strapped to my chest. Honestly, it wasn't until we left the hospital a couple of days later when I figured out where they had brought us because I was so out of it... and it was just down the hall!

Our Birth Story

First sign I am a new mom? I wanted to get this out days ago but was only able to finish it up now!

Baby girl is now 9 days old and we are all doing well, for the most part. Details to come once I get around to writing the postpartum stuff… give me a week, or so!

She's Here!

Our little princess made her way into the world this past Sunday, November 22nd! We are home now and I will write more, including her birth story, once we are settled in!

39 Weeks!

We are 39 weeks today and since a couple of people have asked I am posting a quick update on where things stand. May be a little TMI for some.

Re-Claiming My Uterus: Revisited

As I have written before, when “normal” couples TTC they go about it on their own without announcing each step to the world and usually a few months after they succeed they get to make their big announcement and surprise their family and friends with the news. We were almost able to replicate this once we were using frozen embryos, and it was nice to feel almost “normal” for once!

But now that we are nearing the end, we are somehow coming full circle and are right back where we started from regarding privacy issues.

Polyhydramnios And Neverland II

We had a visit to the birthing center yesterday! No, not a planned visit. And yes, everything is "fine" now... for the most part. I thought the wait times in obstetrics was bad, but this was just as awful or maybe even worse. Come to think of it, the first time I went there I was in and out within 30 minutes so I am not sure why this time took 5 long hours! Thankfully DH was with me because 1) he kept me company and 2) now he knows how my usual appointments feel!

Hopefully this happened because I was low on their list of priorities and they won't be so slow when I am actually giving birth!

Almost Time To Hibernate!

One more day of work.
One week of vacation.
And then maternity leave officially begins!

And what am I looking forward to most on my week off? Quiet time! Seriously, I just really need to hibernate for a bit. I am beyond exhausted and barely stay awake past 9pm these days, a little bit achy, and just really not up to socializing right now. I don’t even want to drive anymore because the steering wheel annoyingly rubs against my belly every time I turn a corner!

Unfortunately I won’t be able to hide out as much as I would have liked, but I am going to do my best whenever possible!

Thinking Like A Mom… For Myself!

Earlier on in this pregnancy a situation happened on Facebook with an acquaintance of mine which basically resulted in a simple picture sparking a nasty and public exchange between myself, my other friends defending me, and this acquaintance. It was beyond stupid and completely unnecessary! But, as it was happening, I remember thinking to myself 1) why do I have a so-called friend who repeatedly treats me this way and sparks these situations, and 2) what would I say to my child if they had a friend who acted the same way towards them?

That was when I realized that I needed to put a stop to this so-called-friendship, along with any other relationship that wouldn’t sit right with me for my own child. If it isn’t good enough for her, why should it be ok for me? Why am I settling for less?

Braxton Hicks & Useless Tidbits

So, I had my first “contraction” the other day… on the bus, alone, while DH was on a flight to Colorado for work! Not knowing what it was at first I had a mini panic attack, but after researching good old Google I discovered that it was simply a Braxton Hicks contraction! Phew! I guess my uterus just needed some practice… with the worst possible timing! But, then again, I guess poor timing is just a part of going into labor naturally too!

Maternity Leave Couldn’t Come Sooner

With maternity leave around the corner (12 working days!) it has really made me start to see things around the workplace in a different light. The way people interact, their true intentions, where their loyalties lie, people’s true colors, and… who I really can and cannot trust and rely on.

It is sad in some ways, but eye-opening too… especially after 14 years here!

She Is Fierce!

“And though she be but little, she is fierce!” 

William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream 

The above quote is currently hanging front and center in our little girls’ room. A couple of people have commented that it was a very nice quote, but how could I already know her personality? Well, to put it simply… I don’t. But, if her journey into this world says anything about her then I have a pretty good idea already!

Almost 33 Weeks!

Well, this week has certainly been interesting to say the least! Some seemingly paranoid phone calls to obstetrics and an emergency call back to go in to the birthing center immediately followed by a pretty long but awesome day of appointments today with very positive results.

30 Days!

Even though we still don't have a replacement lined up for my job... it is an awesome feeling to open your desktop calendar and finally see your last day of work in sight! 30 days!!!

What Am I Afraid Of?

Lately a number of people have asked me if I was afraid of giving birth, worried about the epidural or nervous about being a mom in general… and I have to say, I really am fine with everything. We have been trying for this for so long now that I just can’t wait to meet her and finally be a family; I don’t really have any of the usual “first-time-mom” fears.

I would say that I am more anxious about outside factors, after giving birth, than I am about the initial giving birth.

Prenatal Class Part II (and more…)

Prenatal classes are officially over now! We learned a lot more than I thought we would so I would still highly recommend these classes for anyone on the fence like I was. In fact, I am considering them as a baby shower gift for a couple of people right now!

Prenatal Class Part I

This past Sunday, DH and I attended our first prenatal class. We chose the intensive course split into 2 full days instead of 6-7 separate evenings as this is much easier on both our schedules! And yes, after hesitating about these classes for months and finally decided to do them, I was actually very happy with what we have learned so far!

The Home Stretch

Depending which source you refer to, your third trimester starts anywhere between 25-28 weeks which is quite a difference. I am half way through week 27 so we will just assume that this is it! And considering they plan to induce between 38-40 weeks, this means I only have 10-12 weeks left!

Life Begins At 36

Yesterday DH and I quietly celebrated my 36th birthday together… the last one with “just the two of us” and that couldn’t make me happier!

As we sat in The Keg eating dinner, I couldn’t help but think about how far we have come and how much things have changed since last year!

Book Review: Beyond The Sling

I think we have all come across numerous parenting buzz words over the years, but there is one in particular I want to discuss.

According to Wikipedia, “Attachment parenting (AP), a phrase coined by pediatrician William Sears, is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, the child forms a strong emotional bond with caregivers during childhood with lifelong consequences.”

99...

Bottles of beer on the… nope;
Red balloons… that’s not it;
Problems but a b*… no, no no!

Days till our official due date! We are in the double digits now everybody!

Fetal Echo Done!

Just a quick update to let everyone know that I went for a routine (thanks to GD) fetal echocardiogram yesterday and baby's heart is perfect! Woohoo!

Also, since this scan was for baby I had to go to the Children's Hospital to have it done and I was impressed! I barely got through one page in my book before my name was called - on time - and I saw the doctor minutes after my scan was done. It was so fast I actually went back to work for a couple of hours!

Any chance the diabetic clinic could be on time tomorrow? *fingers crossed*

Good-bye Ghosts

Before I start to write this, I need to be very clear about something; I have never, ever, believed in ghosts! And not once, under any circumstances, did I ever imagine that I would start believing in them either. But over the last couple of years some strange things have been happening and, while still skeptical, I have a different opinion now. And I am not referring to the creepy, scary ghosts and demons you see in movies; the ones who haunt you out of your own home. I am referring more to the friendly and familiar ghosts, like a deceased family member… or Casper, “the friendly ghost”.

Have A Relationship, With Yourself First

I don’t understand why so many people I know are so determined on being in a relationship with someone, as though having a significant other is the only thing that could ever possibly define them, that they forget that maybe they should have a relationship with themselves first! Some of these people are serial daters, others casual and some divorced already once (or more) and yet they still haven’t figured this out yet.

It may sound cliché, but you really do need to learn to love yourself before you can truly ever love another.

Stop Touching Me!

I have never had an overwhelming desire to reach out and feel someone’s baby bump any more than I would their usual belly; it just isn’t natural to me to do that. Ok so, yes, jokingly grabbing my SIL or BFF’s boobs is a thing that has happened many times over the years and is weirdly kind of natural (to us) but that’s different! And if either of them reached out for the bump I probably wouldn’t even mind because, well, just because!

Warning: unless your DNA is inside me, or you are my SIL/BFF, be advised that I do bite!

Neverland And Disneyland

So, I have a new name for the obstetrics department at my hospital… Neverland! Don’t get me wrong, the nurses are all wonderful (as usual) but the front staff and patient wait times are atrocious!

And for whoever says that pregnancy is a magical time… well… I beg to differ, because it is definitely no Disneyland!

Let me explain…

Gender Reveal!

From the time we transferred this little embryo I was desperate to know what it was! I didn’t really mind either way; I just wanted to start decorating in my head, shopping, planning, coming up with names, etc…

So, naturally, as the weeks went on I tested every single old wives tale out there!

20 Weeks! Halfway There!

It feels like it was just yesterday that I POAS and found out we were pregnant, and now we are halfway there with 20 weeks or so left to go! Still don’t know if I will be induced early due to GD or if they will let things occur naturally so we can’t really be sure (can you ever?). So far though, the GD has been extremely well managed and I am very proud of myself for that!

Before You Ask About A Sibling…

Every time someone asks me about the possibility of having a sibling and I reply that there probably won’t be one, they give me this look that I can’t even begin to describe; like I am already depriving my unborn child of the best thing there is.

When did it become a crime to have only one child?

Open Letter: “My Mother Doesn’t Want Your F*ucking Advice!”

Warning: Serious mama bear rant ahead…
(Note: this clearly does not apply to certain people, and you’d better know who you are by now!)

Ever since people have found out that I am expecting, I have noticed that many of said people also feel that it is now their place and duty to tell me how to act and feel. But mostly, they have the nerve to tell me not HOW to take care of myself but TO take care of myself in general… my health and my baby too.

Are you people really serious? Do you think I have been doing anything BUT that 24/7?

Trisomy Results

As excited as we are to be pregnant, I have to admit that waiting for these results had been holding me back a bit. Knowing people who have had difficult results, others who had good results followed by a special needs baby, fears that IVF may have played a negative role in genetics and my age alone (although I am only 35) were all concerns that I had.

But our results are good!

Our New Journey: Part V (June 2015)

So, that’s the start of our pregnancy, in a nutshell. This last post brings us to 16 weeks today!

Although I have known about my PCOS for 10 years now and we were TTC without assistance for a little while, we officially started fertility treatments in March 2010 so this has been a 5 year journey! It was never easy and has always been a struggle, both physically and emotionally, for both of us but we overcame it all! I think that’s just my nature though; I don’t let hardships get me down, they only make me stronger... which is good because without strength, this process never would have been possible.

Our New Journey: Part IV (May 2015)

Not only did we change doctors, but we are now at a new hospital too. Well, technically it’s the same hospital but it was just re-built at new location. It’s weird sitting in a waiting room with someone hammering and sawing 10 feet away from you, finishing construction, but it is getting quieter with each appointment.

Our New Journey: Part III (April 2015 continued)

And everything was right with the world again!

My original viability scan was supposed to be on April 8th, but with everything going on it turned into emergency scans which delayed my true viability. What a viability scan means in terms of IVF is that my doctor will review everything to make sure the baby is ok and if everything is good you are discharged from fertility and you are sent off to see an obstetrician (OB). It’s kind of sad after building up such a positive relationship, but as much as I would LOVE to take Dr. D with me through the whole pregnancy he is clearly needed where he is because that is where he performs miracles!

Our New Journey: Part II (April 2015)

Easter weekend officially marked 6 weeks of pregnancy, so while a few friends knew it was still a bit early to tell the world… especially family. And, just to prove that point, I got an interesting (and scary) look into why you should always wait to tell!

Warning, there will be TMI in this post and may not be for the casual reader. But, for those of you who are in my shoes I hope this can help you in some way!

Our New Journey: Part I (March 2015)

Back in December I wrote that Dr. D had ordered a bunch of blood tests along with the endometrial biopsy before we could schedule our next FET. Well, we actually did schedule the next FET at the same time; it just wasn’t confirmed until all those test results came back clean.

And so, we secretly began our second FET from this IVF cycle in March 2015… and I managed to keep my mouth shut about it too!

What To Expect When…

Surprise! We’re expecting!

I have waited years to be able to say those words out loud… and the time has finally come to publicly announce the news! We are currently just over 15 weeks pregnant and are due November 2015.

We have been sharing the news with our closest friends and family over the past few weeks, and the last big reveal took place on Saturday at our niece’s birthday party since that seems to be the time and place to make this sort of announcement. We have a few other people to tell in the coming weeks (including Facebook, but I'm not ready for that yet) so I am taking a risk putting this out there right now, but I don’t think they read this blog so we should be safe!

Nieces And Birthdays

I can’t believe how fast they grow up…. niece #1 is turning 4 years old this week! Time just flies, doesn’t it? I still remember visiting her in the hospital at less than a day old! Two years ago, at her 2nd birthday party, my SIL announced she was pregnant again and that brought us niece #2 and our godchild of course! Getting to play the role of aunt, uncle and godparents has been really special and those little girls mean the world to us!

Holland Came To Visit

A while back you may remember a couple of posts about my BFF/sister and her son who was born with Wolf–Hirschhorn Syndrome (WHS), specifically Welcome To Holland and Updates From Holland: A Guest Blog By Colton’s Mom. Well, for the last few days we have had a full house because they came down for a visit! Mommy, daddy and the little guy too.

Book Review: Unsung Lullabies

“When you are diagnosed with infertility, you are inducted into a club
you never dreamed you would be forced to join: the ' I can't have a baby club'…” 

Unsung Lullabies

There are many books out there about infertility, but there are few I have found written by authors who have actually experienced it for themselves. Everything I have felt (or feared) they described: the jealousy, feelings of failure, sadness of loss and the overwhelming frustration that comes with it all. They even go into the male side of infertility, which I have rarely seen covered.

Having the courage and the insight to speak about something most people choose to hide or ignore is commendable! Just the first chapter, “This Isn’t How It Was Supposed to Be” describes the whole situation so well. For anyone going through this, this book is a must read. It is very well written, touching and true… just don’t read it in public and make sure you have lots of tissues ready!

Open Letter: 14 Years...

“Respect yourself enough to walk away
from anyone or anything that no longer
serves you, grows you, or makes you happy”
Anonymous

14 years ago in that dingy hospital corridor I made the not-so-difficult decision to walk away from you, and your abuse, once and for all. After one final argument, about what a lousy daughter I was despite the hours of help and care I was providing you while you recovered from your quintuplet bypass, I said good-bye for the last time. I turned around and walked away from the poison you infected my life with for 21 years! I made my peace with that decision long ago, but I can honestly say that I have never forgiven you for everything you did, and never will.

Choosing A Photographer… Ugh!

I have a few different family photography type projects in mind that I would like to see happen over the summer. You would think that having a whole bunch of photographer friends would make the decision a no-brainier, but it really doesn’t. See, I also know these people well enough to know what I am up against and I am not so sure I want to get into all of that.

Pregnancy Reveals And The Social Obstacle Course

Is it just me, or is everybody pregnant right now!? We did have a record breaking cold winter, so I guess I know how all of you were keeping warm at night, huh? Anyhow, with pregnancy comes the inevitable reveals; to family, to friends, to co-workers and eventually… to Facebook, along with all other social media outlets. This used to happen around the third month mark, or beginning of the second trimester, but I notice more and more that people are waiting until their fifth month or later. New trend or simply the reality that we are all getting older and aware of the complications we could face? Who knows!

But, my point is, as natural and acceptable as it is to want to share your good news with the world there are a lot of women out there who just can’t handle it. I, thankfully, am NOT one of those women but I know many who are. Just the thought of opening up their news feed and seeing yet ANOTHER baby post can bring them to tears. Not because you are intentionally trying to hurt them, but the truth is… it can be painful.

A Resolution of Privacy

It may sound like a New Year’s Resolution since it all started around the holidays, but deciding to be more private in my day to day life as well as on social platforms was more of a life choice that I made for myself. I was nervous about it at first, becoming so open over the last few years, but it has been extremely therapeutic and I am very happy with my decision despite some unexpected losses.

The Madonna… Dilemma?

Madonna is coming! Madonna is coming! Did you hear? Madonna is coming!

With the release of her new album, Rebel Heart, later this week I expected a tour announcement to follow, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon! Like, right around the corner! Ok, 6 months, but still!

So, what’s the dilemma?

Happy Valentine's Day

Those of you who know me well know that I am not that big on certain holidays; Valentine's Day being one of them. But this year, I don't know... I am actually somewhat into it!

And The Test Results Are In!

So I met with Dr. D yesterday, and his resident. Generally I get irritated at the site of a resident (even though I know they need to be there and all, yada yada) but it’s been a while since I have seen one so it was fine. She was very nice, informative, and clearly knowledgeable… but she also managed to scare the crap out of me! Thankfully, Dr. D smoothed things over.

Yes, I'm A Germaphobe!

“Congrats, you are 67% germaphobic!” - This is what an online survey said about my cleanliness habits. According to the site, I am “not a full-blown germaphobe, but I am not dirty either and this is a good balance to have. I am aware of what is gross but I don't let it take over my life and I don’t let the little stuff bother me”.

Ok… agreed? Agreed!

Testing… Testing…

One month, a handful of blood tests and 1 biopsy later… and now we wait for answers… again!

I will be seeing Dr. D soon for follow-up and I am hoping that everything comes back clean! And, in the event that something comes back with issues then I hope there are simple solutions and we can move forward quickly. From my brief research, everything I tested for has a solution so I am not really worried. Or, should I be? I never know with these things.

Open Letter: Tearjerked Chicken

What a crazy day this has been! But I will spare you the drama and get right to the point of this post.

The first week back at work after the holidays is a hellish week for me. At night, if there is nothing easy to throw together for dinner - we order something. After a back and forth about fast food, take-out, or delivery we settled on ordering from my favorite BBQ chicken place. Too tired to even place the call, DH ordered around 6:15pm. As always, he took off to his man cave for a bit while I watched TV and looked out the window for dinner to arrive. Around 7:15 I saw what I thought to be their delivery car drive by, but assumed someone else had simply ordered as well. After all, they have amazing chicken and even better BBQ sauce! But by 7:50, I was calling the restaurant to see what the hell was going on!

Creating My: Blog Updates

The year has barely begun and I am already tackling some of my plans for this blog. Not bad, huh? Now let’s see if I can keep this up! Those of you who access my blog online, and not just by email, may have already seen the changes I am referring to as I have been testing them out.