Mother’s Day – Turning Over A New Leaf

"I remember everything that you forgot."

Historically speaking, Mother’s Day has always been difficult for me; an internal struggle of sorts.
As I wrote last year, the first time as a Mom myself, this Hallmark holiday has always served as an unwelcome reminder to me of the numerous strained mother-daughter relationships I have, leaving me with little desire to celebrate.

Well, even though I am spending Mother’s Day weekend as a work widow again (does anyone else see the irony?), I am turning over a new leaf! 

Letting Relationships Go

"Sometimes, people change and forget to tell each other."
Lillian Hellman

I started to write the other day and it just wasn't coming out the way that I wanted to. I turned to Google for some "keyword" help, inspiration, and ended up stumbling on this article.

I am re-posting excerpts from it because it sums up what I was fumbling with quite perfectly. To read the full article, please go here.

Like A (Broken) Record

“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
What do we do? We swim, swim.”
Dory – Finding Nemo 

It's really strange the way the world works. A year ago, the thought of spending a few hours alone with the LO gave me tremendous and sometimes debilitating anxiety, and today... right now... all I want to do is drop all of my responsibilities and hang out with her; climb into bed and snuggle under the covers for a long nap!

Mainly because everything ELSE is giving me tremendous anxiety…

Role Models

"Teach your daughters to worry less about fitting into glass slippers
and more about shattering glass ceilings." 

Melissa Marchionna 

Looking back, I can’t really identify any strong female role models that I had to look up to. There were numerous fictional characters, especially being a 9 year old girl oddly obsessed with Shakespeare’s heroines, but no one in my day to day world that I could relate to. It’s sad to say, but no one was really around long enough to set that kind of example for me; the majority of teachers and peers come in and out of your life with each year that passes.

Come to think of it, there weren’t any male role models either for that matter.

Happy Birthday Little Girl

“I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.”

Love You Forever by Robert Munsch 

Our little girl turns the big 1 today!

She has brought color to my world. I am proud of many things, but nothing beats the privilege of being her mom.

Happy birthday! I can't wait to see what the future holds ...

Open Letter: Mr. Selfish

When you can’t control what’s happening,
challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening.
That’s where your power is! 

I made a bad decision this past summer. One that I cannot take back, but I can learn from it.

Tabula Rasa

"What we need,' Henry says, 'is a fresh start. A blank slate. Let's call her Tabula Rasa. "
Audrey Niffenegger. The Time Traveler's Wife

Fall has officially begun, and with that we have resumed our regular mommy-baby play date activities. Admittedly, when I started to participate in these groups last Winter I swore I would hate them. But, I have come around full circle and have grown to depend on them for my sanity as well as the LO’s socialization and development.

Mommy's Little (Pill) Helper

"You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn"
You Learn - Alanis Morissette

On May 8 of this year, Mother’s Day, I started to take an antidepressant. It is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). In my case, what I believed to be postpartum anxiety.

What have I learned in the last few months on this medication?

Sessions With Billie

"A semicolon is used when an author could’ve ended a sentence but chose not to.
You are the author and the sentence is your life."
Project Semicolon 

I had another session with Billie last week and it went really well. I cannot explain it, but sitting down to talk with her is just so comforting! I have friends who I have known for half my life that I don’t feel this comfortable talking to! She really seems to listen to what I have to say, understands what I really need, and gives excellent support and advice. I could talk to her for hours!

The Time When We Were Scammed...

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out.” 

Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots 

So many people have reached out to help me in the last month that my faith in humanity was pleasantly restored… until we were scammed last week! Now, I refuse to let one asshole ruin all of those positive gestures I have received, but I am definitely a little more than pissed off, to say the least!

5 Month Updates

"Motherhood can be a very lonely place,
without ever actually getting to be alone."

I haven’t been able to sit down and write coherently lately, mainly because I don’t have the time to wrestle with my scattered thoughts, so I thought I would do an update post instead.

First update, the LO is 5 months old today! So many things have changed in the last month or so that it is hard to keep track!

Sessions With Billie

I am still waiting to see the psychiatrist that my GP has referred me to but, in the meantime, I had a second session with my therapist (aka Billie). And, I am happy to report that I still really like her! I have seen other therapists in the past that just didn’t fit well right from the get-go, but she has been wonderful from the start which makes things so much easier.

It has been like sitting down with an old friend for the most part... which is nice.

365 Days

“A million miles later
We walked through the valley of the darkest night
We made it through the fire
We're scarred and we're bruised, but our hearts will guide us
Together, I know our love's gonna last forever
We're gonna be alright… tonight” 

 Madonna – Hold Tight Lyrics

A year ago we secretly took what we now know to have been the last step in our journey of TTC with PCOS. Yes, today marks one year since we did our fourth and final FET resulting in our little girl! And can you believe she is almost 4 months old already?!

Today also marks 15 years with my current employer and a little later this week will be 14 years with DH! It’s a big week!

All I Want For Christmas, I Have...

The holidays have been difficult for me for many years; they just aren't what they used to be when I was growing up. Being on the adult side of the holidays, they seem to be all about planning and obligations rather than magic and wonder... but this year is different.

I am still having mild anxiety about things in general, but the Holidays aren't really getting to me as much. And I think I know why...

She Is Fierce!

“And though she be but little, she is fierce!” 

William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream 

The above quote is currently hanging front and center in our little girls’ room. A couple of people have commented that it was a very nice quote, but how could I already know her personality? Well, to put it simply… I don’t. But, if her journey into this world says anything about her then I have a pretty good idea already!

Book Review: Unsung Lullabies

“When you are diagnosed with infertility, you are inducted into a club
you never dreamed you would be forced to join: the ' I can't have a baby club'…” 

Unsung Lullabies

There are many books out there about infertility, but there are few I have found written by authors who have actually experienced it for themselves. Everything I have felt (or feared) they described: the jealousy, feelings of failure, sadness of loss and the overwhelming frustration that comes with it all. They even go into the male side of infertility, which I have rarely seen covered.

Having the courage and the insight to speak about something most people choose to hide or ignore is commendable! Just the first chapter, “This Isn’t How It Was Supposed to Be” describes the whole situation so well. For anyone going through this, this book is a must read. It is very well written, touching and true… just don’t read it in public and make sure you have lots of tissues ready!

Open Letter: 14 Years...

“Respect yourself enough to walk away
from anyone or anything that no longer
serves you, grows you, or makes you happy”
Anonymous

14 years ago in that dingy hospital corridor I made the not-so-difficult decision to walk away from you, and your abuse, once and for all. After one final argument, about what a lousy daughter I was despite the hours of help and care I was providing you while you recovered from your quintuplet bypass, I said good-bye for the last time. I turned around and walked away from the poison you infected my life with for 21 years! I made my peace with that decision long ago, but I can honestly say that I have never forgiven you for everything you did, and never will.

Innocence (Lost)

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Mahatma Gandhi

We used to play outside when I was a kid. In the winter we would build igloos and forts on the front lawn and dig tunnels under the snow. In the summer we would ride our bikes to the park and play with anyone else who was there, whether we knew them or not. We were kids being kids, and we were safe without being supervised - for the most part.

But we no longer have those freedoms, do we?

Faux Pas!

"Faux pas: a socially awkward or tactless act,
especially one that violates accepted social norms,
standard customs, or the rules of etiquette"

Wikipedia

How are your treatments going?
Did it work?
Are you pregnant?
Have you considered adoption?

These are the questions one of my co-workers threw at me last week while we were standing next to each other at the bathroom sinks. A co-worker I barely say a word to all day and someone I am not close with at all! Of course, being caught completely off guard I spilled out a little more than I had hoped to tell her and had to run damage control the following day (by e-mail) because she tends to share a little too much about other people’s personal information but… ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You don’t do that! This is a major faux pas!

O Captain! My Captain!

A week ago, smiles around the world faded when news broke that Robin Williams had passed away. Everyone was shocked as the details of his suicide were released, but as the pieces came together and painted a picture of the final months of his life it kind of began to make sense… or no sense at all depending how you looked at it. It has been really difficult to watch and read what everyone has been saying about him and what a great person he was; it was the type of news you heard and simply didn’t want to believe, but I guess this is a testament to his impact across our lives.