Merry Christmas

Good morning everyone!

May the holiday season sparkle and shine, and may all of your wishes and dreams come true!
During the rush of the holidays, don't forget to take time to enjoy the little things that really matter!

Abortion Rights?

"Pro-life is like saying 'I know what's best for you',
pro-choice says 'you know what's best for you'..."

I think that, after having a child of my own, my views on Canada’s abortion laws have changed… drastically.

Back in 1988, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that a woman had the right to terminate her pregnancy at any stage; for good reasons, bad reasons, or any reason at all. I knew this before, but I guess I really never thought about it in depth. After all, I was only 9 years old when the law was passed!

Elf On The Shelf

Facebook “memories” made me laugh today!

This morning, it reminded me of an old post stating how much I disliked the whole “Elf on the Shelf” phenomenon and how I’m pretty sure the parents just bought the creepy little elves for themselves! Flash forward to last weekend and, I admit it, I’ve taken “Elf on the Shelf” to a whole other level!

We don’t have the creepy little guy; no, no, no… we have a CUSTOM elf on the shelf! And not just one, but two!!!

Role Models

"Teach your daughters to worry less about fitting into glass slippers
and more about shattering glass ceilings." 

Melissa Marchionna 

Looking back, I can’t really identify any strong female role models that I had to look up to. There were numerous fictional characters, especially being a 9 year old girl oddly obsessed with Shakespeare’s heroines, but no one in my day to day world that I could relate to. It’s sad to say, but no one was really around long enough to set that kind of example for me; the majority of teachers and peers come in and out of your life with each year that passes.

Come to think of it, there weren’t any male role models either for that matter.

Happy Birthday Little Girl

“I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.”

Love You Forever by Robert Munsch 

Our little girl turns the big 1 today!

She has brought color to my world. I am proud of many things, but nothing beats the privilege of being her mom.

Happy birthday! I can't wait to see what the future holds ...

First Birthday!

Last night was our first snowfall of the season. Ironically, I can say without a doubt that last year the first snowfall occurred on the evening of the 21st. I remember this because I was awake half the night with a difficult labor and I could see the snow falling onto the Oratory roof across from the hospital.

As a Game of Thrones fan, we joked that "Winter is coming..." and, after our LO was born, "Winter is here..." but most of you wouldn't get the reference.

Clusterf*cked

Severe sleep apnea causes snoring, snoring causes me to wake up, being woken up causes me to be repeatedly tired, anxiety and being overtired causes me to have insomnia, insomnia brings me to sleeping pills, sleeping pills cause vivid dreams and worsen sleep apnea.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Back To Work!

This is my first day back to work after maternity leave! Thankfully, I made the right decision to ease back into my new life gradually... lots of gossip this morning, and lots of changes that will likely not all be good. But, we will see what happens comes of it all in time.

Two Week Notice

This is the last Friday I will be spending with my LO before heading back to work. As of next week she is in daycare 3 days and we continue our usual activities the other 2 days.

Open Letter: Mr. Selfish

When you can’t control what’s happening,
challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening.
That’s where your power is! 

I made a bad decision this past summer. One that I cannot take back, but I can learn from it.

Tabula Rasa

"What we need,' Henry says, 'is a fresh start. A blank slate. Let's call her Tabula Rasa. "
Audrey Niffenegger. The Time Traveler's Wife

Fall has officially begun, and with that we have resumed our regular mommy-baby play date activities. Admittedly, when I started to participate in these groups last Winter I swore I would hate them. But, I have come around full circle and have grown to depend on them for my sanity as well as the LO’s socialization and development.

The Keg: Full Circle

It is that time of year again, my birthday; a day that everyone seems to want to celebrate, except me. Well, that’s not exactly true. I want to celebrate it, but quietly and in my own way. And, for some unknown reason, this is too difficult for certain others to comprehend which has, in the past, led me go out of town simply to get away from it all.

But, the last couple of years we have found ourselves successfully keeping the peace as I had always wanted and ending the day of activities with dinner at The Keg Steakhouse, just the two of us. Something we will do again this year, only we will be 3.

How To lose Your Mind In 11 Days

I did mention that I was already struggling with my meds, right? Maybe I shouldn’t have put that out there because ever since then someone, somewhere, decided to turn my world upside down.

Never has 11 days as a work widow seemed longer!

Mommy's Little (Pill) Helper

"You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn"
You Learn - Alanis Morissette

On May 8 of this year, Mother’s Day, I started to take an antidepressant. It is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). In my case, what I believed to be postpartum anxiety.

What have I learned in the last few months on this medication?

Open Letter: Chatty Cathy

Most days I might be open to hearing the stories of a stranger, but today was just not one of them. Nonetheless, out of respect for this little 89 year old woman, I stood as patiently as I could while she rambled on about a recent accident with a shopping cart in the supermarket, her children, her children’s children, her former family business and her late husband. As she chatted away I was almost wishing my LO would throw a tantrum or cry, anything to have her let me be, but of course she did not. She was entranced with this woman and wouldn’t stop smiling as she spoke to us.

Sessions With Billie

In the last couple of weeks I met with my psychiatrist for a follow-up and had my final session with Billie. I will likely see both of them just before I go back to work or soon after to ease me through that new transition of our lives, but for now I just have a plan that I am trying to stick to.

Belated June Updates

I’d like to say that I have been too busy to post, but that really hasn’t been the case. I just haven’t taken the time to sit down and write to be honest. I’ve caught up on some tv shows, started reading a book, baking, and house cleaning for the most part. Fun, huh?

Anyhow, here are some June updates…

Father's Day

Just a quick post to say Happy First Father's Day to the best Daddy out there! Mommy and baby love you very much!

Go With The Flo

For 10 whole years, a decade, I waited (im)patiently month after month for some sign of fertility… namely, Aunt Flo. And, month after month, nothing… nada… zip. Now, 7 months postpartum, she is possibly showing signs of her arrival. Really? Now when I no longer require your services you decide to show up? Is this really necessary?

Sessions With Billie

Once again, I had another good session with Billie last week! She has a nice new, humongous, office with a huge window now. It was a gorgeous day outside so it was nice to feel like we were outside while sitting inside.

First Mother’s Day

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while,
but their hearts forever."

Yup, I’m a Mom now and I still hate Mother’s Day. Surprised?

Ok, maybe hate is a strong word, but I certainly am averse to it. For as long as I can remember I have never really enjoyed this Hallmark holiday. I thought things would change once I had a child of my own but, like most holidays, I am not looking forward to it at all… even if it is my first.

Sessions With Billie

"A semicolon is used when an author could’ve ended a sentence but chose not to.
You are the author and the sentence is your life."
Project Semicolon 

I had another session with Billie last week and it went really well. I cannot explain it, but sitting down to talk with her is just so comforting! I have friends who I have known for half my life that I don’t feel this comfortable talking to! She really seems to listen to what I have to say, understands what I really need, and gives excellent support and advice. I could talk to her for hours!

The Time When We Were Scammed...

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out.” 

Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots 

So many people have reached out to help me in the last month that my faith in humanity was pleasantly restored… until we were scammed last week! Now, I refuse to let one asshole ruin all of those positive gestures I have received, but I am definitely a little more than pissed off, to say the least!

5 Month Updates

"Motherhood can be a very lonely place,
without ever actually getting to be alone."

I haven’t been able to sit down and write coherently lately, mainly because I don’t have the time to wrestle with my scattered thoughts, so I thought I would do an update post instead.

First update, the LO is 5 months old today! So many things have changed in the last month or so that it is hard to keep track!

Mommy, You Don't Have To Be Sorry

You may have read this already as it has been circulating on social media for awhile now. But, if you haven't, grab some Kleenex; It's a crier!

I don't know who wrote it originally, but I just had to share.

Sessions With Billie

I am still waiting to see the psychiatrist that my GP has referred me to but, in the meantime, I had a second session with my therapist (aka Billie). And, I am happy to report that I still really like her! I have seen other therapists in the past that just didn’t fit well right from the get-go, but she has been wonderful from the start which makes things so much easier.

It has been like sitting down with an old friend for the most part... which is nice.

365 Days

“A million miles later
We walked through the valley of the darkest night
We made it through the fire
We're scarred and we're bruised, but our hearts will guide us
Together, I know our love's gonna last forever
We're gonna be alright… tonight” 

 Madonna – Hold Tight Lyrics

A year ago we secretly took what we now know to have been the last step in our journey of TTC with PCOS. Yes, today marks one year since we did our fourth and final FET resulting in our little girl! And can you believe she is almost 4 months old already?!

Today also marks 15 years with my current employer and a little later this week will be 14 years with DH! It’s a big week!

Pieces Of Me

7:35 am
Surrounded by quiet; emptiness, absence…
Black top, well-worn jeans and my favorite pair of Converse…
Uncomfortably comfortable!

Today is the first day that the LO is at daycare, DH is at work and I am completely and utterly alone with myself, my thoughts, and the new me.

Therapy and Guilt

I had my first therapy session to help guide me through this PPD/PPA situation and it went really well. I liked the therapist right from the start so that is always a good sign! The only down side is that she looks exactly like the actress Billie Piper and there was a geeky Comiccon girl inside of me wanting to squeal and ask for her autograph the whole time… but hopefully this will pass!

I Know You Are Suffering, But...

At the beginning of this downward PPD spiral I wasn’t very open about what was happening to me and told very few people very little about it. I was confused, embarrassed and maybe even ashamed about it. I still am, really, because this isn’t how things were supposed to be!

When I finally opened up about it, I got a lot of support and I am very grateful for those who have stepped up to help. But some just don’t get it and it is really pissing me off!

No, She Is Not Hungry!

O.M.G I need to rant!

I don’t know if this is age related, cultural, a grandma-ism or what but, whatever it is, it needs to stop! It has been happening since baby girl was barely a day old and it is now 10 weeks later. Every single time my child starts to cry or fuss, my MIL asks “Is she hungry?” like it’s the only possible reason she is crying!

She’s a baby. She cries. She cannot use her words yet. And food is not the answer to everything!

Newborn Photoshoot

For years I have watched friends post pictures of their newborns taken by a local, popular, family photographer. I have always said that I would contact her the minute I became pregnant amd that is exactly what I did!

We did the photoshoot when baby girl was only 8 days old and you can see a glimpse into our shoot on the photographers blog, Tanya Zaleski Photocreations.

I am really looking forward to our follow up session this summer including our nieces, brother and sister-in-law!

Headbangers

I have always said that people in this family are extremely hard headed, and yesterday I couldn’t have been happier about that! And, aside from the fact that she gave me a great night’s sleep 3 nights in a row, there was nothing better than waking up to her smiley, happy little face this morning like usual!

Deeper Than The Baby Blues

“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” 

Dr. Phil 

A few weeks ago I confessed that I had been experiencing what we suspected to be the “Baby Blues” earlier on along with a heightened feeling of anxiety. And, while we thought the blues had passed shortly afterwards, they seem to have only gotten worse.

I do reasonably well when DH is home with me, and I believe that is what masked many of the symptoms until now as this is only his second week back to work.

One... And Done!

Last summer, about half way through the pregnancy, I wrote a post about our decision to have only one child. This statement, online as well as amongst friends and family, fueled many discussions beginning with "but, why" and "you'll see" implying that we would change our minds.

Well, we haven't. In fact, having her has only made that decision stronger for me. Not that she is a difficult baby or anything, I just know myself well enough to know that I couldn't handle more.

But, regardless, we took care of any possible "surprises" at birth. Yup, I had my tubes tied... or, at least that was the initial plan.

First Day Alone!

This is it! The day I have been dreading for 6 weeks has come. DH has gone back to work and baby girl and I are home alone together. It has only just begun, but it hasn’t been too bad yet. She is extra clingy and cuddly today so I can’t put her down for long (currently typing this with one hand), but that’s OK because It’s better than screaming!

Hello 2016!

“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one."

Brad Paisley