Mommy's Little (Pill) Helper

"You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn"
You Learn - Alanis Morissette

On May 8 of this year, Mother’s Day, I started to take an antidepressant. It is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). In my case, what I believed to be postpartum anxiety.

What have I learned in the last few months on this medication?

First of all, I have learned that it makes me a better Mom, and that’s OK with me! Being on a medication like this has made my world less terrifying to live in. It has decreased my need to be over-critical and judgmental of my own thoughts and actions. It has lowered my constant tendency towards mommy-guilt. It has enabled me to better manage stressful situations, surroundings, circumstances and people in my life. It has helped me turn off my racing thoughts and get a good night’s sleep. And, most importantly, it has allowed me to stay calm and level-headed through emotional situations with the LO.

And, secondly, I have realized that I have always been this way! Ok, maybe not always, but certainly a lot longer than what I originally believed to be a postpartum effect. I truly believe that I have GAD and am exploring that with Billie and the psychiatrist. I would say that it has fluctuated over the years, but it is always there on some level. The difference is that I was previously extremely high functioning and mostly able to control when I would let GAD into my thoughts. Postpartum, I was no longer able to turn this on or off, largely due to the massive hormonal shift I believe (as well as a new baby, new experiences, lack of sleep, etc…).

Until a couple of weeks ago I was doing extremely well on this medication. But slowly, the anxiety has crept back in and this last week has been somewhat difficult. I couldn’t place my finger on why, and then it dawned on me. Aunt Flo. She also appeared about 2 weeks ago for the first time since before I was pregnant. Not to mention, the first time naturally (not triggered by medication) in years! I strongly believe that this has had something to do with everything and will discuss this when I see the psychiatrist next month. We had already intended to increase my dosage before returning to work even though I was skeptical, but now I see why it will be necessary.

And yes, I admit it. I think going back to work will make me an even better mom too! Once I get through the initial transition , that is… I am not looking forward to that!