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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

I Know You Are Suffering, But...

At the beginning of this downward PPD spiral I wasn’t very open about what was happening to me and told very few people very little about it. I was confused, embarrassed and maybe even ashamed about it. I still am, really, because this isn’t how things were supposed to be!

When I finally opened up about it, I got a lot of support and I am very grateful for those who have stepped up to help. But some just don’t get it and it is really pissing me off!

I know you are suffering, but… you haven’t taken the time to call me.
I know you are suffering, but… come to XYZ with us even though you just said you can’t handle it.
I know you are suffering, but… it will pass, just get over it, it can’t be that bad, etc…
I know you are suffering, but… I can help, just never when you actually need me to.
I know you are suffering, but… you look like you have everything together.

I know you are suffering, but… why? Isn't this what you always wanted?

Yeah, well, you know what? I don’t understand it either! I don’t know why I spent the whole day crying yesterday. Actually, I do in this case because while I suffer with PPD and anxiety I am also fighting a horrible medical system to get the help that I need and I am getting nowhere. The only thing I am getting, so far, is worse.

I have DH. He is amazing and wonderful and patient and kind and everything you could ever dream of in this situation… but you know what? He doesn’t get it either. He doesn’t know why this is happening. He doesn’t know how to fix it. He only knows how to help make things better and THANK GOD for that! But, he works. He will be traveling again soon. He is not home 24/7 so at the end of the day, I need to figure this out!

And, I am terrified!

I am seeing my GP next week and, unfortunately, probably going to have to face anti-depressants which I now think I need. I am starting therapy the following week, but it is through work and sessions are few and far between. I am considering putting the baby (3 months old!!!) in daycare part-time while I pick up the pieces and put them back together again, but no one there is calling me back and I don’t want to put her somewhere I am not familiar with. These are all positive things and steps in the right direction (aside from daycare, that's more of a crutch) but I hate every one of them!!!

Because, it shouldn’t be like this!!!

I apologize to my daughter every single day… because I feel like I am letting her down. People assume she is a cranky and fussy baby because I am having trouble, but she’s not. She is the easiest, happiest, and sweetest little angel. When she cries, there is a reason for it. When I cry, it seems completely pointless. This has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me. Everyone who sees me with her says what a good job I am doing and that I am doing everything that I possibly can with her… I guess I am. I don’t know. I feel like a failure.

And yes, I am suffering! So while I take care of me and my daughter the best that I can, you all need to back off and take your selfishness elsewhere because I can’t handle your needs right now, nor should I have to. You want to help? Great, the door is open! You want to push me down even more than I already am? Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.