"Motherhood can be a very lonely place,
without ever actually getting to be alone."
without ever actually getting to be alone."
I haven’t been able to sit down and write coherently lately, mainly because I don’t have the time to wrestle with my scattered thoughts, so I thought I would do an update post instead.
First update, the LO is 5 months old today! So many things have changed in the last month or so that it is hard to keep track!
March 31: Shortly after turning 4 months old, she started her first round of antibiotics due to what might have been a sinusitis like infection. It was more than a virus because she had a prolonged and elevated fever (so not fun, and kind of scary!), but not easily identified with a specific diagnosis so that’s the best I can say. She was given Penicillin, which I am allergic to, but she didn’t seem to react to it negatively at all. She did really well!
April 6: My milk supply had decreased dramatically by this point (not that I had much to begin with) and I made the decision to keep pumping while the LO was on medication to give her any extra help I could with antibodies, but I ended up stopping half way through her treatment because getting 1oz a day was hardly worth it! I thought I might be sad about it at first, but I am really totally and completely fine! I never had a chance to enjoy breastfeeding in any way so I won’t miss it. To mark the occasion, she also started eating solids! I had tried to feed her a few times before and she had no interest, and then she came home from daycare that day and was opening her mouth wide for the spoon! I tell you, every time she goes to daycare she comes home with a new trick! We are now eating Rice Cereal, Oatmeal, Barley, Carrots, Green Beans (doesn’t like those), Sweet Potatoes, Peas, Bananas, Apples and Peaches.
I also met with the psychiatrist my GP referred me to, and let’s just say it didn’t go well at all! She did a quick history and then asked me what steps I had taken to resolve the current issues. I told her that the biggest hurdle was convincing myself I needed help, finding a daycare that would take the LO so young and being ok with this decision. She asked me how I feel about it now and I told her I couldn’t be happier and that we really loved the place we found. Then she asked me how old my daughter was, again, and said “she’s too young to be in daycare!” and started making other suggestions… suggestions pushing a stagiere program through the Childhood Education Program where I work (I should mention the psychiatrist is also where I work). First of all, you should not impose your personal opinion on your patient! Secondly, when I told her I wasn’t interested in this solution because I was happy with the one we found she kept pushing it and then proceeded to tell me I clearly had my own agenda… um… really? So, all in all, we ended with NO diagnosis of anything, her telling me it seems there is nothing she could do for me and a prescription for fast acting Ativan to take as necessary when suffering sever anxiety… which I am not sure I want to do, while caring for my child and all! I have since spoken with someone else in charge of psychiatry and he has given me some things to discuss with my therapist first, an appointment with him in May to hopefully get some sort of plan, and a follow-up appointment with that psychiatrist (who he has spoken with) in the event he feels that I do need medication as he cannot prescribe. Honestly, my daughter will be 18yrs old by the time this is resolved at this rate! Oh, and I also managed to get an appointment with the psychiatrist at Obstetrics, where my first referral came from in January. She can see me… in JULY!
April 13: LO finally figured out how to turn over from back to front… but still hates tummy time so I hope she learns how to turn back soon! She didn’t do it again for a few days and now does it daily.
April 11-15: And, last but not least, I survived my first week as a work widow with a child – sort of, just barely, if you can even call it that. It certainly was NOT easy, in fact I made myself quite sick emotionally (and physically), but I called in some reinforcements and used daycare a couple of times to get me through. I don’t know what I would do without these people in my life! Another couple of days and I was ready to go to emergency for help. If DH never traveled again it would make me the happiest person on the planet! But, since that won’t likely happen until he retires I need to figure this out once and for all. It did push me to my breaking point though, and I have decided that I probably do need more than talk therapy to get through this cloud… but we will have to wait and see since the medical system seems to be working against me.
