Letting Relationships Go

"Sometimes, people change and forget to tell each other."
Lillian Hellman

I started to write the other day and it just wasn't coming out the way that I wanted to. I turned to Google for some "keyword" help, inspiration, and ended up stumbling on this article.

I am re-posting excerpts from it because it sums up what I was fumbling with quite perfectly. To read the full article, please go here.

Thinking Like A Mom… For Myself!

Earlier on in this pregnancy a situation happened on Facebook with an acquaintance of mine which basically resulted in a simple picture sparking a nasty and public exchange between myself, my other friends defending me, and this acquaintance. It was beyond stupid and completely unnecessary! But, as it was happening, I remember thinking to myself 1) why do I have a so-called friend who repeatedly treats me this way and sparks these situations, and 2) what would I say to my child if they had a friend who acted the same way towards them?

That was when I realized that I needed to put a stop to this so-called-friendship, along with any other relationship that wouldn’t sit right with me for my own child. If it isn’t good enough for her, why should it be ok for me? Why am I settling for less?

Looking Back On 2014

This last year has certainly had its share highs and lows, and one thing that has been reinforced is that life just simply isn’t fair. And, yes, I knew this before but it seems to get clearer as the years go by. I have many examples of why I feel this way, but it all started with the loss of my father-in-law.

A Poem For My BFF

Just Because

Our paths crossed, so long ago,

And immediately, our bond began to grow.

A blossoming friendship, that no one could break,

Not even the years we spent apart could test our fate.

Looking back on the decades we’ve spent together,

I know we will be by each others side forever and ever.

You bring me comfort, you always know just what to say,

and you make me smile, even miles away.

Your husband is lucky to call you his wife,

and your son will be proud to call you mother,

but to me you are more special than words can describe,

because to me you are like no other!

I was fortunate to meet you,

I have felt privileged to know you.

And although we come from different trees,

family is what you will always be to me.

Love you to the moon and back!

Call Me, Maybe? Or Don't...

Have you ever noticed that there are some people that only seem to be in your life for their own benefit? Like, they seem to enjoy being associated with you (or something about you) but they don’t really ever take the time to get to know you, personally? In recent weeks I have seen a few of these situations go too far and it really bothered me even though I wasn’t the one directly affected because we have all been there at some point!

For example, referring to someone a good friend (and going one step farther to use them as a reference) because they have a certain name and/or status within a specific community but you really don’t know anything personal about them unless it has been posted it on social media.

Or when you are personally going through something life changing and then, often through curiosity, a bunch of “old friends” come out of the woodwork and you think that you have a new found support system… until the intrigue has worn off, they all disappear, and then you are back on your own again.

Or it could be as simple as you have something they don’t, so they call when they need it and you never hear from them otherwise!

Speaking of calling, with all the technology advancements we have today I have always found it amazing how some people’s phones only seem to be able to RECEIVE calls (sarcasm intended).

Sometimes I think we need to ask ourselves if we want/need a particular person or if they are simply satisfying a specific want/need. And vice-versa, does this person really want me in their life or am I just satisfying a need for them? Don’t get me wrong, if that is ok for you then by all means continue… but in many cases, personally, I don’t care for it.

I think I have done a pretty good job of removing these relationships from my life over the years and I don’t plan to welcome them back any time soon. I would rather have one true friend, than a hundred of those listed above… and thankfully, I am blessed to have MANY true friends!

Co-Worker Friend Turned Foe

Ugh! So frustrated… I need advice please!

I have this co-worker/friend that “burned his bridges” long ago (over a year), not only with myself but with other co-workers as well, if not ALL of them. In recent months this co-worker seems to be trying to make amends with each and every one of us, but none of us are buying it from what I can see. However, I can only speak for myself.

Those of you who know me personally know that I can be pretty clear about what I want without really saying a word and this is where I am stuck.

We are co-workers, if I could even call us that seeing as we don’t really work together at all. To many we would have seemed like friends I guess, but I would have considered it to be more of a co-worker friendship or an occasional outside of work acquaintance at most. But that was all in the past, long ago. We have not really talked to one another for over a year now and many things have changed. But now, this person has been coming to my office more in the last couple of months than ever before (even when we WERE friends or whatever) and has been driving me crazy! They think that after all this time has passed, not to mention bridges burned that I don’t really want to get into, they can just come in… close my door… sit down… and start chatting about my personal life with me like nothing has happened?

I have not allowed myself to talk “personal” and I have kept everything I’ve said related only to the job. I have been short, busy and dismissive each time. I have blocked and deleted this person from Facebook. I do not answer the phone when they call. I do not include this person on lunch invitations or anything else I involve other co-workers in. I thought that I had made myself pretty clear! But this person keeps coming back to try again and I am NOT interested at ALL!

A part of me wants to pick up the phone, send an email or confront this person face to face… but the rest of me says don’t waste your time, just keep doing what you’ve been doing and eventually they will get it. But will they? I know that this is not a relationship that I wish to salvage in the least, but we WILL cross paths so I would like things to be civil at least. I think. Maybe. I don’t know… help!

Mystery Of The Work Spouse

Wikipedia defines a “Work Spouse” as (edited):
″Work spouse″ is a phrase… referring to a co-worker, usually of the opposite sex, with whom one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of a marriage…

Social documentation:
In one 2006 survey, 32% of workers said they had an "office husband" or "office wife". A CNN Money article characterizes the relationship as having the "immediate intimacy (of marriage) without the sex or commitment". One source characterizes the relationships as "platonic, close, opposite-sex couplings, with no romantic strings attached”…

Sociological and psychological implications:
With so many of the quality hours of a day spent at work, having someone there who has an intuitive understanding of the pressures, personalities, interactions, and underlying narratives of the workplace society can add safety and comfort to what can otherwise be an alienating environment.

"Work marriage" appears to be a genuinely caring relationship fostered by the propinquity effect and associated with love-like feelings and possibly limerence. Some "work spouses" admit that sexual attraction between them is present, but is not acted upon, and the sexuality is "channeled" into a productive collaboration…

My personal opinion on all this:
A work spouse is perfectly acceptable, as long as it remains just that and nothing more! And while the term usually refers to someone of the opposite sex, it really doesn’t have to be.

After working in one place for so many years I could name a few people who I have considered to be a work spouse, both male and female, at one time or another. Occasionally I’ve even had more than one at a time! Some of those relationships have faded out now, while others have turned into pretty good friendships. Obviously, I feel that if a true friendship develops outside of the workplace, platonic or otherwise, I would no longer consider that person to be a work spouse but I guess you always share those roots in the end.

As mentioned above, having someone there who has an inside view of your workplace can be very helpful and encouraging as well as comforting at times. A work spouse often shares empathy rather than sympathy and, in my experience, this can help things resolve quicker than bringing your problems home to a disconnected significant other. Besides, you already spend so much time apart because of work, why bring these issues home if you don’t have to?

And yes, admittedly, a significant others work spouse is harder to accept when their relationship includes traveling together, sharing hotels, etc… but if the trust is there and communication remains open then there is nothing to worry about; ok, well, there is always a LITTLE to worry about but you just have to move past the insecurities and see the bigger picture I guess.

A work-spouse-turned-close-friend recently asked if any of these work spouse relationships have ever given any spark to my real relationship with DH and the honest answer to that is NO! In my case they never, ever, have… unless I allow myself to think about you specifically LOL!

Sisters-By-Heart

"I’m very close to my sisters, and the friendship and support of other women has always enriched my life. I also realize that there are friends or other relatives that may not be blood sisters, but share this same type of closeness.”

Willow Tree - Susan Lordi 

As I have written before (see 'Ohana), there’s an old saying that goes: “You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family” and I continue to disagree.

True, those who are my blood relations are my “family” on paper, even though I can count on one hand how many of them are in my life today. And, true, you cannot choose your extended family/in-laws, but did I not choose my spouse? Is DH not legally my “family”, even though we are not related by blood? In fact, if we were related I would seriously question my logic, and we would be going against the law slightly, no?

Anyhow, there are many people in my life both past and present that share no blood of mine who I unquestionably consider to be my “family”. I can draw you a whole family tree pointing to mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers with these people alone and I promise you there are more of them actively present in my life than there are my own biological family members!

And this brings me to one person in particular…

A sister isn't always your blood relation. Sometimes it's that close friend who understands you, loves you and has always got your back no matter what. While family members have come and gone, drifted apart from one another, or left us in this world without them, I feel like our bond has only grown stronger and closer over time. We are not biologically related at all, nor are we legally bound to each other in any way; we are closer than any of that. Maybe we chose each other, or maybe we were meant to find each other, but whatever the reason we are definitely “sisters-by-heart” and always will be.

Some have questioned me over the years when I have referred to you, my BFF, as my sister - but I dare anyone to challenge me and tell me otherwise! You have always supported me and stood by me, even when those who should have been there walked away. You have always been true to me, even when we’ve had our differences. You have always accepted me just how I am, and you have never judged me. We understand each other in ways that others can’t, and we can often speak to one another without saying a word. A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost, and you mean the world to me. You are the comfort and stability that I dreamt of my whole life and no matter where we are, or how far apart, you are always HOME to me.

In less than a month, you will be giving me the greatest gift you have ever given me – my first nephew – and I cannot wait to meet the little man! With every picture you post and story you have shared, I feel like I have taken this journey with you every step of the way and I cannot express in words how this has made me feel. We were only kids when we first met and I never could have imagined this moment then, but it is all I think about right now. Counting down the days with you and anxiously awaiting a note saying you are on your way to the hospital…

I love you with all my heart, and you can stop crying now! xox

Open Letter: Psst, I Miss You…

"If someone seriously wants to be a part of your life
they will seriously make an effort to be in it. No excuses.”

When we first met, I had no idea you would become so important to me. And yet you did; you became more important to me than either of us could have ever imagined. I considered you as a best friend, but we both know that you were always more like a brother to me.

And then, two years ago, it was over. Just like that – gone - and I thought that I could continue not speaking to you for the rest of my life and everything would be fine, except for one tiny detail… I miss you. I really, honestly, didn’t at first but in recent months you have been on my mind a lot more than a little and I want you to know that.

A few weeks ago I nearly ran into you three times in one afternoon but I didn’t have the guts to face you. I nearly did, the second time, but I chickened out. Since then, I can’t stop thinking that I made a mistake avoiding you; I should have said hi, at the very least...

We both know what happened so there is no use re-hashing it now, but I would like closure. We know each other well enough to know we are both too stubborn to break this cycle, but if you are willing to try then I am ready. People change, and sometimes they end up having nothing to say to each other; even best friends grow apart. And, if that’s the case, then I am fine with that… but I need to know.

I have no expectations - just a hole in my heart and an open mind.
You know where to find me, if you want to get in touch… no pressure.

Letting Go Isn't Easy

My closest friendship has been going strong for 25 years now, and a handful of others have been in my life for a good 10-12 years I would say. This doesn’t even include DH who I have known for over 15 years. But even though I don’t have many short term friends around, I have a few and the thought of severing some of those ties after investing so much over the last couple of years isn’t easy – even if I know I am doing it for the right reasons. 

My best friendships have always relied on balance; sharing the responsibilities of a friendship, equal give and take, the ability to communicate freely and uncensored along with continuous support and trust towards one another. After closer examination, my most strained friendships are – surprise, surprise – the complete opposite. In recent years I seem to have attracted a number of people who have needed my help for one reason or another, but once this need was met it wasn’t always clear if I had served my purpose and could now move on or if our arrangement had become more over time. So, some of these circumstances have turned into friendships, but others have turned into very strained situations and I can finally see that now. 

In my last post I mentioned an article in Squidoo. This article had a few questions you could ask yourself about when to end a friendship: Do I feel better after meeting up? Does this friend bring out the best in me? Is this friend a positive influence on my life? When I haven't been in touch, how do I feel? Do we both make an effort? I have asked myself these questions, and many more, about a couple of friendships I have been unsure of in the last few months and sometimes my own answers have surprised me. But, where do I go from here? 

I wouldn’t say that I am afraid to acknowledge conflict; it’s more like I know these people so well that I realize what I have to say will hurt their feelings and that is what I am trying to avoid. I appreciate it when people are blunt with me and just get to the point so that we can go on from there, but not everyone can take that. After years of knowing them it still seems like they need everything to be sugar coated, and I don’t do that very well! But, honestly, how do you even sugar coat something like “you can be a good friend, on the rare occasions that you try, but you’re certainly not the greatest”? 

I guess it’s also worth mentioning that I have recently re-kindled a couple of old friendships and it feels odd, or maybe it feels right, but I feel more connected to those old friends (who I haven’t really seen or known since high school) than I do some of my newer friends. They just seem to “fit” me better and I don’t feel like I am sacrificing my own happiness to be around them; quite the contrary actually! 

I don’t know… letting go isn’t easy, but neither is holding on!

It’s Not Me, It’s You… Or Is It Us?

Ahh it’s that time of year again it seems; time to re-visit demons!

Friendships are a lot like relationships; they take time to develop, you want to find the right fit, and they need to be nurtured in ordered to grow. Some are harder to maintain than others, but with a little effort they can become just as strong over time! And, inevitably, some will simply fall apart – and then what? In a romantic relationship there is usually (hopefully) a clear “break-up process”, but what about in a friendship? Is there a system, guide, or plan for that? Well, after lots of Googling, I discovered there is NO protocol for cutting off a friendship. There are hints and tips galore, but no set of plans to follow. Too bad, because I have a couple of situations that could really use some sort of action plan right now! Anyhow, I did find a few helpful articles while searching and decided to share. See below (excerpt only, full articles linked).

Is It Time to End That Friendship? By Barbara Graham - O Magazine

There's no real protocol for cutting off a friendship - which can lead to a whole lot of confusion...

I have this friend, Sarah. Since meeting in our thirties, we've shared many of life's essentials: hairdressers, dog-walkers, phobias (airplanes and mice), health scares, worries over our kids, and insomnia caused by husbands who snore. But lately I'm aware that whenever Sarah calls I feel a tightness in my chest and, more often than not (thanks to caller ID), I don't pick up the phone. I feel guilty, but that's preferable to spending hours listening to Sarah complain. I've been meaning to tell her how I feel, but I haven't quite worked up the nerve. Most of the time I feel like a bad boyfriend.

Then there's Natalie, whom I fell in love with when I was 9 (Blogger note: This does NOT refer to my BFF, although it is eerily similar at first). We became inseparable and, at one point, I secretly tried to find out if it was possible to be adopted by your best friend's family if your own parents were still alive. It wasn't until college and post collegiate life on opposite sides of the country that we drifted apart. But we never lost touch and, years later, when I moved with my husband to the city where Natalie lives, she seemed thrilled... Then, after about six months, Natalie suddenly stopped calling, and whenever I tried to make a date she claimed she was too busy and got off the phone, fast. To this day—ten years later—I have no idea why she gave me the boot…

It is strange that friendships, which nourish and sustain us and often provide our deepest source of connection, lack the sort of standards that are routine in romantic relationships. If your significant other stops calling, makes impossible demands, or treats you like roadkill, you deal with it. It may not be easy—you may put it off—but eventually you'll find out where you stand. Not so with friends…

Sadly, many friendships end needlessly because we're afraid to acknowledge conflict…

Despite our best intentions, talking doesn't always repair the rift: Not everyone is able to listen without becoming defensive or blaming the other person. Feelings stirred up by a close friend often echo unresolved issues from childhood, like sibling rivalry or fear of abandonment, and unless those feelings are acknowledged, no amount of discussion can save the relationship…

Bottom line: There's no single template for friendship. Some people are in our lives because they carry a precious shard of our history, while others reflect our passions and priorities right now. Still others are in danger of becoming ex-friends because we're either too preoccupied to pick up the phone or too scared to speak our minds. As Virginia Woolf said, "I have lost friends, some by death—others through sheer inability to cross the street"…

Here are a couple more articles that are just too long to post:

How to end a friendship: Six tips to doing it gracefully - Chatelaine Magazine

When to end a friendship - Squidoo

12 Things To Know Before Letting Go

I don’t remember where I first copied this from, but I knew it was something that I needed to remember. So, with 2013 around the corner I have decided to refresh my memory...

Often times letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We let go and walk away not because we want the universe to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth. And that’s what this article is about – realizing your worth, and harnessing this realization to identify the negative ideas, habits, and people in your life that you need to let go of.  

Here are some points to consider:

1. The past can steal your present if you let it. – You can spend hours, days, weeks, months, or even years sitting alone in a dark room, over-analyzing a situation from the past, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve or should’ve happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and walk out the front door into the sunlight to get some fresh air.

2. Not everyone, and not everything, is meant to stay. – There are things you don’t want to happen, but have to accept, things you don’t want to know, but have to learn, and people you can’t live without but have to let go. Some circumstances and people come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them. 

3. Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. – Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren’t wrapped so tightly around your struggles. Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost. Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.

4. Sometimes you just need to do your best and surrender the rest. – Don’t be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment. And that is all I can expect of anyone, including me.” Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do, even your mistakes. Because even mistakes mean you’re trying.

5. You are in control of one person, and one person only: yourself. – There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your control. Letting go in your relationships doesn’t always mean that you don’t care about people anymore; it’s simply realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

6. What’s right for you may be wrong for others, and vice versa. – Think for yourself, and allow others the privilege of doing so too. We all dance to the beat of a different drum. There are few absolute ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in the world. You need to live your life your way – the way that’s right for you.

7. Some people will refuse to accept you for who you are. – Always choose to be true to yourself, even at the risk of incurring ridicule from others, rather than being a fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not. When you are comfortable in your skin not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s okay. You could be the ripest, juiciest apple in the world, and there’s going to be someone out there who hates apples.

8. Relationships can only exist on a steady foundation of truth. – When there is breakdown in a relationship, you must have the hard conversation. It may not be pretty and it may not feel good. But if you are willing to listen and tell the truth, it will open up. When you build relationships based on truth and authenticity, rather than masks, false perfection, and being phony, your relationships will heal, connect, and thrive.

9. The world changes when you change. – Practice really seeing whatever it is you’re looking at. You are today where your thoughts and perceptions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and perceptions take you. If you truly want to change your life, you must first change your mind. The world around you changes when you change.

10. You can make decisions, or you can make excuses. – Life is a continuous exercise in creative problem solving. A mistake doesn’t become a failure until you refuse to correct it. Thus, most long-term failures are the outcome of people who make excuses instead of decisions. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

11. It usually takes just a few negative remarks to kill a person’s dream. – Don’t kill people’s dreams with negative words, and don’t put up with those who do. Don’t let people interrupt you and tell you that you can’t do something. If you have a dream that you’re passionate about, you must protect it. When others can’t do something themselves, they’re going to tell you that you can’t do it either; and that’s a lie. These people are simply speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations.

12. Sometimes walking away is the only way to win. – Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you. In other words, don’t define your intelligence by the number of arguments you have won, but by the number of times you have said, “This needless nonsense is not worth my time.”

Friendship

“It’s been said that everlasting friends can go long periods of time without speaking and never question the friendship. These types of friends pick up like they just spoke yesterday, regardless of how long it has been or how far away they live and they don’t hold grudges. They understand that life is busy…
but you will ALWAYS love them.” 

I completely agree with the quote above and I have a number of friendships that seem to carry themselves that way, but sometimes I can’t help but question a few of them that are like this. There are some “friends” that I am sure I could call right now and we could carry on as though we just spoke yesterday when we haven’t talked for weeks or months but when I really think about it, it feels like that is only because we don’t really have anything between us; like, we have a very superficial connection. In some cases I think it is because I may have misjudged or misinterpreted some of those relationships and I am hoping to work those out over time, one way or another, but in other cases I just know that I was wrong about the friendship altogether and now it’s time to walk away.

I think it started when I realized that, in many cases, I was the only one who was actually making any sort of effort. I would call, I would e-mail, I would text, I would plan and I would “chase”. And, often times, I would also be the one getting “stood-up” and I would be the only one who felt bad about it!

I have confronted a few of those people over the last little while and some of them were genuinely sorry and have been making more of an effort lately. One person admitted that they are simply unreliable and not to take it personally, but promised to try harder and definitely has been which I really appreciate! And others, well, as one now former friend once told me when confronted: “we never really were that close and we were only friends because it was convenient at the time”… only I had apparently missed that memo over the five years we were joined at the hip! Live and learn, right?

And, no, I am not just pointing the finger at others! I realize that in a couple of cases I am also to blame and I am trying to rectify that now as well! See? I CAN look in the mirror and see my OWN faults!

I guess as I get older I feel more interested in quality and not quantity when it comes to relationships with others. I would rather have a small handful of amazing, close and deep friendships than a hundred superficial ones. Who has time for that? Some of those friendships have developed over a long period of time and others are more recent, but I value each and every one of them very much!

Oh, and to my BFF… I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what! And we need to make a phone date soon because I miss you!

Re-evaluating Friendships

Last year at this time I wrote an entry entitled “Facing Demons”. Not everybody knows or remembers what triggered that entry, and I don’t expect you to, but it was/is pretty clear that I was going through a rough patch and that I was struggling with certain things. But it is one year later and I am happy to say that, although it needed quite a bit of polishing, I was able to find a silver lining from that period of my life and that is why I am writing this follow-up now. I know that some of you do not understand how this has turned out to be positive, but trust me… it really has!

Have you ever had something happen in your life that caused you to re-evaluate your friendships? Something that made you realize that the people you thought were your true friends really weren’t that close after all? Sometimes people change and they turn out to be different than who you thought they were; and sometimes it’s just that you finally see them as they really are. Don’t get me wrong, it can be heartbreaking when you think you can count on someone and the minute you really need them they aren’t there for you… but it can also be a real eye-opener! And you know what? This might sound cliché, but more often than not it is their loss in the end!

Having been programmed from a very young age that the people you love and trust the most will also be the ones to hurt the worst, I have grown to be a pretty good judge of character. I have a decent read on people and I am meticulous about weeding out the “bad” early on. I am also very particular about whom I allow into my inner circle; even more so as I get older I have noticed. To some, it may sound as though my caution has left me with no one in my life but that is far from true. I have a pretty big circle of close, dependable, supportive, loving and caring friends and some of them have been in my life for as long as I can remember. However, I am only human and I have certainly made mistakes over the years as well. Sometimes, often through no fault of my own, I have missed or misinterpreted the warning signs that someone is “bad” or that someone “good” is no longer “good for me” and I have definitely been hurt by this – terribly. Thankfully I have also been fortunate enough to have the experience of someone, who I least expected to have my back, stand tall for me. It just goes to show that we never really know what people are made of; the people we expect to be there for us aren’t, and the ones we least expect (and wouldn't think to ask) open their arms to you. Oddly enough, last year this all happened at once.

So, I have taken this last year to re-evaluate the relationships I have with my friends. Some have certainly gone up a few notches while others have slid down a few, and unfortunately I can no longer consider some to be my friends at all. Honestly, we do not need a huge circle of friends, only a few who are loyal and who will be with us until the end - through good times and bad, through thick and thin – and that can be hard to come by. Quality is certainly more important than quantity when it comes to my friendships.

Below is a questionnaire I happened to find on-line recently which sums up the re-evaluating process extremely well. So well that I wish I would have found it a year ago! Anyhow, feel free to give it a go…

 7 Questions to reevaluate your friendships  

I have found that as I grow and mature, so do my friendships. That means that friends come into my life and move on so that others can find their way into my life. Instead of leaving this to ‘chance’, I decided to create intention around my friendship environment. I sat down and wrote out with much contemplation my response to the following questions: 

1. What does friendship mean to me now? 
2. What do I NO longer want to attract in my friendships? 
3. What do I want to attract in my friendships now? 
4. What have I not liked or has not been healthy for me in current or prior friendships? 
5. What have I liked or was healthy for me in current or prior friendships? 
6. What do I want in my Friendships now? W
7. What am I willing to be and to give as a friend? 

The resulting clarity I received by taking a few moments out of my busy life to answer these important questions naturally led to me attracting more of what I want, what is healthy for me, and what has me thrive instead of that which sucked me dry (blunt but true). It is okay for you to do the same. You are here to be in joy and to love your life.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."

Unknown

May Babies

If “April showers bring May flowers” and “friends are flowers in the garden of life”, then I am truly blessed with one awesome garden every year! And I don’t mean the one outside my house that I am planning to dig up!

From the end of April right up until the first week of June, there are so many birthdays to celebrate and I just wanted to take a minute and tell each and every one of you HAPPY BIRTHDAY and I hope that your special day is filled with love, laughter and hopefully some sinfully delicious cake too!

And, to my BFF… welcome to your “Forever 29”! Just think, while you are dreading it some of us are wishing we could be back there again so don’t be bummed – flaunt it! 

Jamaican Wedding Bells

My bestest friend in the whole wide world is getting married today... on the sandy beaches of J-A-M-A-I-C-A! I couldn't be happier, prouder or more jealous of her right now! And I am glad to say that I am not losing a "sister", I am gaining a "brother-in-law". Congrats again to both of you! See you in a couple of weeks! Miss you!

Facing Demons

“'Tis better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all.”

Alfred, Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam: 27, 1849

Over the years I have come to realize that I am not a victim of my past, but rather a survivor. This is where I draw the majority of my strength from and I have realized that it is also what separates me from others in many cases. A survivor is to a victim as oil is to water; they don’t mix. Looking back, I recognize now why some relationships (family, friends, co-workers, etc…) would have never worked out no matter how hard we tried and why other bonds are so strong.

“Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the ones you NEED:
To help you, hurt you, leave you, or love you…
and to make you into the person you were meant to be.”

I am not sure where the above quote came from or when I first saw it, but I swear by it. Sure, when I look back over my life, there are a ton of things I would never wish on my worst enemy; but if they never would have happened, then who would I be now? I realize now that “these people” were put into my life to hurt me and, in a few cases, to leave me as well. But I also know now that they helped me. They were in my life to give me strength, courage, and confidence in myself. Because of them, obstacles now present a challenge to me; not defeat. Not to mention that I have learned from their mistakes and have/will “break the cycle” as they say.

It took me years to figure things out and get where I am today but, thankfully, I have had many people to lean on for support during the bumpy ride I took to get here. I admit that it wasn’t always positive support (no regrets, although hindsight is 20/20), but I am glad that when I needed it most I found the RIGHT people to surround myself with. I needed those people (yes, even the bad ones in their time). They helped me, they loved me, and they were a crucial part in making me who I am today. Without them, I may not have been here at all…

Except, where are those people now? What place do they have in my life today? Now that I can stand on my own two feet, who remains alongside me? This is something I have been asking myself over and over the last couple of weeks and I am struggling with some of the answers I have found. It’s never easy, even when someone hurts and leaves you, but what about the ones who love and care about you? Who helped you get your life on track and then vanish, often times with no forewarning? After everything I have been taught, that is one thing I never learned how to accept… not well, anyhow.

I have come to terms with many things in my past. I understand why some people hurt me, why others have left me, and even why some have come back. I try to welcome all of these things into my life some way or another because in the greater scheme of things it all makes sense. But some of the more recent events don’t make sense. I have been betrayed and abandoned many times before, but I can count on one hand the times I have had to let go of someone I truly cared about! The wounds are still fresh, and I guess that only time will tell – but I am hurting and not afraid to say so!

I am gathering the courage to confront my demons one by one, but some of their faces shock me…

Friendship, Family and BFF'S

Have you ever had a friend who was so close that you considered them more like family? Well, for various reasons I am fortunate to have a small handful of those friends… but one in particular stands out.

We have known each other for over 20 years and I hope that it is only the beginning of our friendship. We have been separated by schools, groups of friends, life choices, and now provinces… but I think we both know now that nothing can tear us apart.

Of all my friends, no one is ever closer to my heart than this one… and I am happy to say that tomorrow I get to leave Quebec (and all of its St-Jean-Baptiste celebrations) to spend some time with my BFF in her home away from home, Toronto. So, without naming names (because you know who you are)... I love you and we will see you tomorrow!!!

And, on that note… see the rest of you in a week or so!