Is It April Already?

As quickly as my tan fades, so do the feelings of relaxation, calm, and carefree living.

It was only a week long vacation, but the weight lifted during that time (with the exception of the first day) was something I could never accomplish here at home!

Like A (Broken) Record

“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
What do we do? We swim, swim.”
Dory – Finding Nemo 

It's really strange the way the world works. A year ago, the thought of spending a few hours alone with the LO gave me tremendous and sometimes debilitating anxiety, and today... right now... all I want to do is drop all of my responsibilities and hang out with her; climb into bed and snuggle under the covers for a long nap!

Mainly because everything ELSE is giving me tremendous anxiety…

Explaining Anxiety

Anxiety has been a hot topic lately... with friends, co-workers, my doctor, our travel agent, daycare and of course with DH too. It comes and goes, has peaks and valleys, but it is never truly 100% gone; as much as I try to hide it.

It is better than it was a year ago, but will it ever be something in my past?  Well, now that I have come to terms with the fact that I have always had anxiety to some degree, I can't really say...

Clusterf*cked

Severe sleep apnea causes snoring, snoring causes me to wake up, being woken up causes me to be repeatedly tired, anxiety and being overtired causes me to have insomnia, insomnia brings me to sleeping pills, sleeping pills cause vivid dreams and worsen sleep apnea.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Tabula Rasa

"What we need,' Henry says, 'is a fresh start. A blank slate. Let's call her Tabula Rasa. "
Audrey Niffenegger. The Time Traveler's Wife

Fall has officially begun, and with that we have resumed our regular mommy-baby play date activities. Admittedly, when I started to participate in these groups last Winter I swore I would hate them. But, I have come around full circle and have grown to depend on them for my sanity as well as the LO’s socialization and development.

Mommy's Little (Pill) Helper

"You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn"
You Learn - Alanis Morissette

On May 8 of this year, Mother’s Day, I started to take an antidepressant. It is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). In my case, what I believed to be postpartum anxiety.

What have I learned in the last few months on this medication?

Belated June Updates

I’d like to say that I have been too busy to post, but that really hasn’t been the case. I just haven’t taken the time to sit down and write to be honest. I’ve caught up on some tv shows, started reading a book, baking, and house cleaning for the most part. Fun, huh?

Anyhow, here are some June updates…

Sessions With Billie

Once again, I had another good session with Billie last week! She has a nice new, humongous, office with a huge window now. It was a gorgeous day outside so it was nice to feel like we were outside while sitting inside.

5 Month Updates

"Motherhood can be a very lonely place,
without ever actually getting to be alone."

I haven’t been able to sit down and write coherently lately, mainly because I don’t have the time to wrestle with my scattered thoughts, so I thought I would do an update post instead.

First update, the LO is 5 months old today! So many things have changed in the last month or so that it is hard to keep track!

I Know You Are Suffering, But...

At the beginning of this downward PPD spiral I wasn’t very open about what was happening to me and told very few people very little about it. I was confused, embarrassed and maybe even ashamed about it. I still am, really, because this isn’t how things were supposed to be!

When I finally opened up about it, I got a lot of support and I am very grateful for those who have stepped up to help. But some just don’t get it and it is really pissing me off!

Deeper Than The Baby Blues

“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” 

Dr. Phil 

A few weeks ago I confessed that I had been experiencing what we suspected to be the “Baby Blues” earlier on along with a heightened feeling of anxiety. And, while we thought the blues had passed shortly afterwards, they seem to have only gotten worse.

I do reasonably well when DH is home with me, and I believe that is what masked many of the symptoms until now as this is only his second week back to work.

Truth About Baby Blues

No matter how hard I may have tried to have this baby, the baby blues still hit me pretty hard in the beginning. Thankfully not for long and DH was pretty awesome about it, but it just goes to show that no one gets a free pass when it comes to depression.

I was ashamed to admit it at first, but once I opened up to a couple of friends about it and had their support I felt a ton better!