Thinking Like A Mom… For Myself!

Earlier on in this pregnancy a situation happened on Facebook with an acquaintance of mine which basically resulted in a simple picture sparking a nasty and public exchange between myself, my other friends defending me, and this acquaintance. It was beyond stupid and completely unnecessary! But, as it was happening, I remember thinking to myself 1) why do I have a so-called friend who repeatedly treats me this way and sparks these situations, and 2) what would I say to my child if they had a friend who acted the same way towards them?

That was when I realized that I needed to put a stop to this so-called-friendship, along with any other relationship that wouldn’t sit right with me for my own child. If it isn’t good enough for her, why should it be ok for me? Why am I settling for less?

Maternity Leave Couldn’t Come Sooner

With maternity leave around the corner (12 working days!) it has really made me start to see things around the workplace in a different light. The way people interact, their true intentions, where their loyalties lie, people’s true colors, and… who I really can and cannot trust and rely on.

It is sad in some ways, but eye-opening too… especially after 14 years here!

Have A Relationship, With Yourself First

I don’t understand why so many people I know are so determined on being in a relationship with someone, as though having a significant other is the only thing that could ever possibly define them, that they forget that maybe they should have a relationship with themselves first! Some of these people are serial daters, others casual and some divorced already once (or more) and yet they still haven’t figured this out yet.

It may sound cliché, but you really do need to learn to love yourself before you can truly ever love another.

Looking Back On 2014

This last year has certainly had its share highs and lows, and one thing that has been reinforced is that life just simply isn’t fair. And, yes, I knew this before but it seems to get clearer as the years go by. I have many examples of why I feel this way, but it all started with the loss of my father-in-law.

Irony At Its Best

I was talking to an old friend last night and that’s when I realized something… he has very little time in his life for a relationship but he would truly like to be in one and he wants to share everything in his world with someone special. Whereas I have all the time in the world (although it doesn’t feel that way lately), and someone very special to share it with, but because of his job he is frequently not home!

It’s funny how these things happen…

DH’s amount of travelling changes frequently throughout the year, but at this particular moment I find it excessive. Long story short, from mid-September until the holidays in December he will be away far more than he will be home to say the least (insert upside-down frown here). Frustrating? You bet!

I took my cues on how to be a work widow from a very good friend of mine who was going through this when we first met. Without her, I don’t think I would have been able to handle all of this… especially not in the beginning. I was thinking about this the other day when something interesting popped into my head. When her other half would travel for work, she would frequently go and stay with her parents at their house even though she had a home of her own right next to work and everything! Back then, this was the only thing about her ways of coping that I didn’t really understand. Maybe, in part, because I am not close to my family? I don’t know, I just always thought it was a bit strange but I never said anything to her about it (well, I guess she will know now lol). Anyway, the point is… I get it now! I really, really, do!

Being alone sucks! Two cats and two fish don’t make up for human contact! The only problem for me is that I am also a really bad guest when I am alone! I need to be in my own environment to feel comfortable, especially if I am under stress. Or I need to be with DH – wherever he and I are, as long as we are together, feels like home (awe). But when we are apart, the only home that feels like HOME to me is MY home. I would rather play host than guest I suppose. And you know what? Maybe I should start! At least until we have kids… because I am convinced that when we do this will no longer be an issue for me. I need to start having sleepovers or something. We now have two actual guestrooms and two sofas to choose from as well, so why not? Right?

 Any takers?

Mystery Of The Work Spouse

Wikipedia defines a “Work Spouse” as (edited):
″Work spouse″ is a phrase… referring to a co-worker, usually of the opposite sex, with whom one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of a marriage…

Social documentation:
In one 2006 survey, 32% of workers said they had an "office husband" or "office wife". A CNN Money article characterizes the relationship as having the "immediate intimacy (of marriage) without the sex or commitment". One source characterizes the relationships as "platonic, close, opposite-sex couplings, with no romantic strings attached”…

Sociological and psychological implications:
With so many of the quality hours of a day spent at work, having someone there who has an intuitive understanding of the pressures, personalities, interactions, and underlying narratives of the workplace society can add safety and comfort to what can otherwise be an alienating environment.

"Work marriage" appears to be a genuinely caring relationship fostered by the propinquity effect and associated with love-like feelings and possibly limerence. Some "work spouses" admit that sexual attraction between them is present, but is not acted upon, and the sexuality is "channeled" into a productive collaboration…

My personal opinion on all this:
A work spouse is perfectly acceptable, as long as it remains just that and nothing more! And while the term usually refers to someone of the opposite sex, it really doesn’t have to be.

After working in one place for so many years I could name a few people who I have considered to be a work spouse, both male and female, at one time or another. Occasionally I’ve even had more than one at a time! Some of those relationships have faded out now, while others have turned into pretty good friendships. Obviously, I feel that if a true friendship develops outside of the workplace, platonic or otherwise, I would no longer consider that person to be a work spouse but I guess you always share those roots in the end.

As mentioned above, having someone there who has an inside view of your workplace can be very helpful and encouraging as well as comforting at times. A work spouse often shares empathy rather than sympathy and, in my experience, this can help things resolve quicker than bringing your problems home to a disconnected significant other. Besides, you already spend so much time apart because of work, why bring these issues home if you don’t have to?

And yes, admittedly, a significant others work spouse is harder to accept when their relationship includes traveling together, sharing hotels, etc… but if the trust is there and communication remains open then there is nothing to worry about; ok, well, there is always a LITTLE to worry about but you just have to move past the insecurities and see the bigger picture I guess.

A work-spouse-turned-close-friend recently asked if any of these work spouse relationships have ever given any spark to my real relationship with DH and the honest answer to that is NO! In my case they never, ever, have… unless I allow myself to think about you specifically LOL!

Learning From Mistakes Made

As I recently wrote, we have spent the better part of the last year focusing on improving our relationship. And, in order to do this we had to start with the foundation… communication. Looking back, I don’t know how we ever got anywhere communicating the way we did and the change that has come from this last year has been extremely good! In addition, the seemingly unspoken agreement to cleanse our personal bubble of outside negativity and drama has also proven invaluable.

But sometimes, certain situations are unexpected and often unavoidable. And now, when I am witness to others doing exactly what we used to do to each other, the feeling inside me is just unbearable. As unnecessary words and emotions pour out, the air changes and becomes toxic and overwhelming. I feel like an innocent bystander, in someone else’s fight. A silent observer, off to the side; not directly in the line of fire, yet I can feel my own blood pressure rising from the conflict. In that moment, part of me wants to help and part of me just wants to run and hide… but my feet don’t allow me to move. I can’t help but feel trapped, like a deer caught in the headlights. It is an absolutely horrible and uncomfortable feeling; almost suffocating.

But I realize that no matter how badly I want to jump in and save someone from themselves, stop them from drowning, take their hand and show them their mistakes… I can’t. I have tried, many times before, and I have failed because “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge” (as Dr. Phil says time and time again).

But, I CAN change myself and MY behavior… and I will.

I do not consider myself to be better than anybody else, but I do strive to be better than the person I was yesterday. I can see where I went wrong this time and I know what I need to do for myself in the future. I alone let myself get caught up in this when I could have walked away. I stayed because I thought leaving would be awkward, but why should I worry about everyone else when this clearly made me feel so uncomfortable? I shouldn’t have. This situation has taught me a lot, and I will learn from my mistakes.

Hopefully the next time won't be so rough.

Two Words

This was originally sent to me by a counselor I have been in touch with. It's amusing so I thought I would share!

Lately my husband and I have been playing the game “Two Words”. You won’t find this game in Wal-Mart or in any of the specialty game stores. You’ll find it right in your own home. I’m sure you’re playing it already, if not with your spouse, with someone you know.
 
This is how the game is played. I’m telling my husband a story with detail. It’s very important to me. After a few moments I notice a look on his face and I say, “You’re not listening.”
 
And he says, “Yes I am.”
 
And then I say, “No you’re not, I can tell.”
 
And he’ll say, “I heard every word you said.”
 
And then he brings back two words from my conversation, just enough to let me know he’s heard something of my story, but I know he hasn’t really heard it all. And yet, the two words are satisfying enough, so I go on. But then I wonder, so I ask him again, “You’re not listening to me, are you?”
 
“Yes, I am!”
 
“Okay, what did I say?”
 
“You said - shorts and sunshine.”
 
Men have an amazing ability when the conversation is not as engaging as they’d like, to leave the room mentally, go hit a few golf balls down the green, shoot some pool, or run the last innings of the baseball game. They also have another wonderful ability to bring back the last 20 words their wife has said when they hear her say, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”
 
“Yes I did, you said something about the colours of the mouse at Disneyworld and how that would look good hanging on the line in the back yard.”
 
You see, that was my test! I inserted some silly words just to find out if he was listening.  Two words? Twenty? Hmmm, am I losing out here?
 
What if we told the men that we also have amazing abilities? When they talk about motors and cars, wheels, or the stats on the hockey game, we women can go away in our mind, shop, pick out colours for the living room, move furniture, solve problems that kids handed to us earlier, and still do all the “hummmms, and ahahs” at the right moment. We don’t even need to bring back two words because our fellow never tests us by saying, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”
 
This is life! We all have such amazing abilities.

Dr. Phil: Maintaining a Successful Relationship

Five and a half years into their marriage, Stacy and Chris, a Dr. Phil Family, ask for help rebuilding their union. Dr. Phil offers this advice.

Have a solid friendship. "Ask yourself what kind of friend you are being to your mate," Dr. Phil says. He asks Chris and Stacy what they enjoy doing with their friends, whether it be talking about silly things or sharing a good joke together. He then advises them to apply that same openness to their own relationship. "If you want a good friend, be a good friend," he suggests.

Meet each others' needs. "The success of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it meets the needs of two people," Dr. Phil explains. He tells Chris that he needs to discover what Stacy's needs are. "Maybe she needs a soft place to fall that day or she needs a shoulder to cry on," he says. He tells Stacy that she doesn't always need to agree with her husband, but she should figure out his needs, whether it's saying that she's proud of him, or that he looks nice that day.

Set specific goals. "Wake up each morning and say, 'What can I do today to advance the ball?'" Dr. Phil advises. Even small things will accumulate over time and make a difference. Find a quiet moment each day and come up with a specific goal to improve your relationship, whether it's calling your spouse during the day just to say hi, or telling your mate that you love him or her more often. Make a conscious effort.

Get back to basics. "The idea is to have some concept of what a marriage and a partnership is supposed to be and start doing those things," Dr. Phil urges. Write down your definitions of a successful relationship and live up to those definitions. Focus on the fundamental things that are going to make a difference in the long run.

Take responsibility. You can't control the way your spouse acts in your relationship, but you can control how you react in negative situations. "You have to take 100 percent responsibility for what you're doing in a relationship," Dr. Phil says. "Decide what you believe and hold to be true, and conduct yourself 100 percent consistent with that."

Turn the negatives into a to-do list. After getting failing grades on Dr. Phil's Relationship Health Profile Test, Stacy and Chris are instructed to turn their negative answers into positive actions. For example, if you don't have fun with your partner, you need to make a list of enjoyable activities you can do together. Ask yourself, what would make your answer on the quiz change?

12 Things To Know Before Letting Go

I don’t remember where I first copied this from, but I knew it was something that I needed to remember. So, with 2013 around the corner I have decided to refresh my memory...

Often times letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We let go and walk away not because we want the universe to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth. And that’s what this article is about – realizing your worth, and harnessing this realization to identify the negative ideas, habits, and people in your life that you need to let go of.  

Here are some points to consider:

1. The past can steal your present if you let it. – You can spend hours, days, weeks, months, or even years sitting alone in a dark room, over-analyzing a situation from the past, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve or should’ve happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and walk out the front door into the sunlight to get some fresh air.

2. Not everyone, and not everything, is meant to stay. – There are things you don’t want to happen, but have to accept, things you don’t want to know, but have to learn, and people you can’t live without but have to let go. Some circumstances and people come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them. 

3. Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. – Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren’t wrapped so tightly around your struggles. Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost. Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.

4. Sometimes you just need to do your best and surrender the rest. – Don’t be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment. And that is all I can expect of anyone, including me.” Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do, even your mistakes. Because even mistakes mean you’re trying.

5. You are in control of one person, and one person only: yourself. – There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your control. Letting go in your relationships doesn’t always mean that you don’t care about people anymore; it’s simply realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

6. What’s right for you may be wrong for others, and vice versa. – Think for yourself, and allow others the privilege of doing so too. We all dance to the beat of a different drum. There are few absolute ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in the world. You need to live your life your way – the way that’s right for you.

7. Some people will refuse to accept you for who you are. – Always choose to be true to yourself, even at the risk of incurring ridicule from others, rather than being a fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not. When you are comfortable in your skin not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s okay. You could be the ripest, juiciest apple in the world, and there’s going to be someone out there who hates apples.

8. Relationships can only exist on a steady foundation of truth. – When there is breakdown in a relationship, you must have the hard conversation. It may not be pretty and it may not feel good. But if you are willing to listen and tell the truth, it will open up. When you build relationships based on truth and authenticity, rather than masks, false perfection, and being phony, your relationships will heal, connect, and thrive.

9. The world changes when you change. – Practice really seeing whatever it is you’re looking at. You are today where your thoughts and perceptions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and perceptions take you. If you truly want to change your life, you must first change your mind. The world around you changes when you change.

10. You can make decisions, or you can make excuses. – Life is a continuous exercise in creative problem solving. A mistake doesn’t become a failure until you refuse to correct it. Thus, most long-term failures are the outcome of people who make excuses instead of decisions. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

11. It usually takes just a few negative remarks to kill a person’s dream. – Don’t kill people’s dreams with negative words, and don’t put up with those who do. Don’t let people interrupt you and tell you that you can’t do something. If you have a dream that you’re passionate about, you must protect it. When others can’t do something themselves, they’re going to tell you that you can’t do it either; and that’s a lie. These people are simply speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations.

12. Sometimes walking away is the only way to win. – Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you. In other words, don’t define your intelligence by the number of arguments you have won, but by the number of times you have said, “This needless nonsense is not worth my time.”