365 Days

“A million miles later
We walked through the valley of the darkest night
We made it through the fire
We're scarred and we're bruised, but our hearts will guide us
Together, I know our love's gonna last forever
We're gonna be alright… tonight” 

 Madonna – Hold Tight Lyrics

A year ago we secretly took what we now know to have been the last step in our journey of TTC with PCOS. Yes, today marks one year since we did our fourth and final FET resulting in our little girl! And can you believe she is almost 4 months old already?!

Today also marks 15 years with my current employer and a little later this week will be 14 years with DH! It’s a big week!

Before You Ask About A Sibling…

Every time someone asks me about the possibility of having a sibling and I reply that there probably won’t be one, they give me this look that I can’t even begin to describe; like I am already depriving my unborn child of the best thing there is.

When did it become a crime to have only one child?

Our New Journey: Part V (June 2015)

So, that’s the start of our pregnancy, in a nutshell. This last post brings us to 16 weeks today!

Although I have known about my PCOS for 10 years now and we were TTC without assistance for a little while, we officially started fertility treatments in March 2010 so this has been a 5 year journey! It was never easy and has always been a struggle, both physically and emotionally, for both of us but we overcame it all! I think that’s just my nature though; I don’t let hardships get me down, they only make me stronger... which is good because without strength, this process never would have been possible.

Our New Journey: Part IV (May 2015)

Not only did we change doctors, but we are now at a new hospital too. Well, technically it’s the same hospital but it was just re-built at new location. It’s weird sitting in a waiting room with someone hammering and sawing 10 feet away from you, finishing construction, but it is getting quieter with each appointment.

Our New Journey: Part III (April 2015 continued)

And everything was right with the world again!

My original viability scan was supposed to be on April 8th, but with everything going on it turned into emergency scans which delayed my true viability. What a viability scan means in terms of IVF is that my doctor will review everything to make sure the baby is ok and if everything is good you are discharged from fertility and you are sent off to see an obstetrician (OB). It’s kind of sad after building up such a positive relationship, but as much as I would LOVE to take Dr. D with me through the whole pregnancy he is clearly needed where he is because that is where he performs miracles!

Our New Journey: Part II (April 2015)

Easter weekend officially marked 6 weeks of pregnancy, so while a few friends knew it was still a bit early to tell the world… especially family. And, just to prove that point, I got an interesting (and scary) look into why you should always wait to tell!

Warning, there will be TMI in this post and may not be for the casual reader. But, for those of you who are in my shoes I hope this can help you in some way!

Our New Journey: Part I (March 2015)

Back in December I wrote that Dr. D had ordered a bunch of blood tests along with the endometrial biopsy before we could schedule our next FET. Well, we actually did schedule the next FET at the same time; it just wasn’t confirmed until all those test results came back clean.

And so, we secretly began our second FET from this IVF cycle in March 2015… and I managed to keep my mouth shut about it too!

What To Expect When…

Surprise! We’re expecting!

I have waited years to be able to say those words out loud… and the time has finally come to publicly announce the news! We are currently just over 15 weeks pregnant and are due November 2015.

We have been sharing the news with our closest friends and family over the past few weeks, and the last big reveal took place on Saturday at our niece’s birthday party since that seems to be the time and place to make this sort of announcement. We have a few other people to tell in the coming weeks (including Facebook, but I'm not ready for that yet) so I am taking a risk putting this out there right now, but I don’t think they read this blog so we should be safe!

Book Review: Unsung Lullabies

“When you are diagnosed with infertility, you are inducted into a club
you never dreamed you would be forced to join: the ' I can't have a baby club'…” 

Unsung Lullabies

There are many books out there about infertility, but there are few I have found written by authors who have actually experienced it for themselves. Everything I have felt (or feared) they described: the jealousy, feelings of failure, sadness of loss and the overwhelming frustration that comes with it all. They even go into the male side of infertility, which I have rarely seen covered.

Having the courage and the insight to speak about something most people choose to hide or ignore is commendable! Just the first chapter, “This Isn’t How It Was Supposed to Be” describes the whole situation so well. For anyone going through this, this book is a must read. It is very well written, touching and true… just don’t read it in public and make sure you have lots of tissues ready!

And The Test Results Are In!

So I met with Dr. D yesterday, and his resident. Generally I get irritated at the site of a resident (even though I know they need to be there and all, yada yada) but it’s been a while since I have seen one so it was fine. She was very nice, informative, and clearly knowledgeable… but she also managed to scare the crap out of me! Thankfully, Dr. D smoothed things over.

Testing… Testing…

One month, a handful of blood tests and 1 biopsy later… and now we wait for answers… again!

I will be seeing Dr. D soon for follow-up and I am hoping that everything comes back clean! And, in the event that something comes back with issues then I hope there are simple solutions and we can move forward quickly. From my brief research, everything I tested for has a solution so I am not really worried. Or, should I be? I never know with these things.

Re-Claiming My Uterus!

Is this writer’s block? I don’t think so…
Some internal struggle between what to keep private and what to make public? Possibly…
Or maybe I simply haven’t wrapped my head around it all yet? Probably.

For some reason I am just having trouble getting thoughts out of my head and onto paper/blog this week. I am fed up. I am emotionally worn-out from being on display, speaking both medically and personally. I am so over being a lab rat! Although, this time the process has been less lab rat like but still not pleasant.

And Then There Were 7…

Back in September I wrote that hopefully 2015 will be our year. While there is still hope for that in the future, this was not the case for us today.

Yes, we recently had our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) from the most recent IVF cycle. And no, it did not “stick”... again! We had an early beta test done on Saturday while DH was in town for a couple of days and the numbers were so low that I basically expected nothing else but negative today unless, of course, a miracle would have occurred - which it did not!

So what have we learned?

Faux Pas!

"Faux pas: a socially awkward or tactless act,
especially one that violates accepted social norms,
standard customs, or the rules of etiquette"

Wikipedia

How are your treatments going?
Did it work?
Are you pregnant?
Have you considered adoption?

These are the questions one of my co-workers threw at me last week while we were standing next to each other at the bathroom sinks. A co-worker I barely say a word to all day and someone I am not close with at all! Of course, being caught completely off guard I spilled out a little more than I had hoped to tell her and had to run damage control the following day (by e-mail) because she tends to share a little too much about other people’s personal information but… ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You don’t do that! This is a major faux pas!

New Beginnings: Where Do We Go From Here?

As of now we have a number of embryos frozen for future use. Not all of them made it this far but that is completely normal. So, now what happens?

To get pregnant, “normal” couples go into a bedroom somewhere (or backseat of a car if you prefer) without an audience and TTC. If they succeed, 3 months later they get to make their big announcement and surprise their family and friends. And now, I am glad to say that we can do the same… well, almost.

New Beginnings: Retrospective Part III

Collection day, August 29! They asked us to be there for 7:30am and by 8:00am they were already getting us prepped. They connected me to an IV and went over the procedure while DH did his part in the “boom-boom-room” (my new term for it).

New Beginnings: Retrospective Part II

On August 19, all reservations and fears now gone, DH and I went in for our first ultrasound. I was a tiny bit worried that I might have a cyst blocking me from starting as I have had in the past, but everything was perfect; start injecting!

New Beginnings: Retrospective Part I

August went by in a flash! Summer is over, school has started back up again, and soon the weather will be changing too; bye-bye summer, hello fall! We have been extremely busy and I haven’t really had the chance to write in recent weeks, so I decided to set aside some time to share the reasons why and let everyone in on our little secret!

Round 1 (IVF/IUI): Over...

Did my blood test this morning and I just got the call from the nurse. No surprises... negative as expected. So, just to summarize everything up to date:

IUI #1 March 2010: Clomid – Cancelled

IUI #2 April 2010: Clomid – Cancelled

IUI #3 May 2010: Gonal-F – Cancelled

IVM #1 November 2010: Cancelled before starting (cyst)

IVM #2 December 2010: Repronex etc… - 4 embryos, 2 transferred and 2 frozen, Negative (BFN)

IVM #2 March 2011: 2 frozen embryos transferred, BFN

IVF #1 February 2012: Repronex etc…, converted to IUI #4, BFN

I will be meeting with my doctor soon and we will go over the medications I have been using, what I will use the next time, and anything else that needs to be discussed. I believe the next round will also be scheduled but from what I understand there is a LONG list ahead of me so who knows when it will happen...

Round 1 IVF - IVF + IUI = ?

The months leading up to this last round of treatment, as well as the cycle itself, were so frustrating that I just can’t help feeling really “detached” from it all now. I just want this round to be OVER so I can move on with life, whatever that entails.

Yes, I did POAS 10dpiui but it was mainly to be sure that all of my injections were out of my system and not potentially going to give me a false positive later on if I tested again. And now that it is later? I have no urge to test again. I don’t care all of a sudden. Everything I have felt has been a symptom and every symptom could be nothing because of the hormones I am taking right now so I am not reading into anything this time around. Whatever happens, happens, and if I really had a say in the matter then I wouldn’t be doing all of this to begin with so clearly what I WANT doesn’t really change anything!

So that’s where I’m at now, 12dpiui and I have basically lost interest for now. Whether I test on my own again or not does still remain to be seen, but after my beta test next week I will know for sure and we will see where things lead from there!

And, just so you are all aware… I may or may not post the results right away (or at all). We might be away for a couple of days after the test and I will see about posting them after we get back… maybe.