Affair Recovery

I put this together some time ago but never posted it. I found it while sorting through a bunch of unfinished blog entries I have been working on and decided to polish it off and post it. As always, the full article can be found here as I have edited some parts out for length.

Affair Recovery - Oprah Show on Cheating Husbands by Anne and Brian Bercht.

… Infidelity is a topic that strikes at the very core of human emotions, so it goes without saying that people hardly feel neutral about it…

The main and most hurtful ingredient of affairs is the lying and secrecy. In fact you cannot have an affair without having lies and deception. Secrecy is to affairs what sunlight and water is to plants. As long as we keep affairs secret, we as a society are promoting their growth. After witnessing the tremendous pain affairs cause to all 3 people in an affair triangle, to the children, to extended family and friends and on and on and on… it’s evident that affairs are a horrible, deceptive and destructive force in our society…

Why do men (and women) have affairs?

There were reasons which had nothing to do with the marriage or the faithful spouse and everything to do with the character weaknesses of the person having the affair:

- Because it strokes your ego when someone else pays attention to you
- Selfishness/the lure of temporary pleasure
- Provided confirmation, a need fulfilled
- Admiration, the “Adoring Eyes”

Brian explained his draw to the other woman as a “pulling toward”. She made him feel like a king. It was a fantasy. He was attracted to how HE was FEELING, not the other woman…

  

There can be no doubt that we all need to pay attention to our marriage relationships.

Men don’t have affairs just for sex! Men stray from their wives because of how the other woman made them FEEL… Yes, a happily married man can stray... There can be unmet needs and unhappiness in a marriage which makes a man (or woman) look for needs to be met outside the marriage (which still doesn’t justify the behavior), but there doesn’t HAVE to be anything wrong in a marriage for a man/woman to stray.

All marriages are vulnerable to affairs. This does not mean that married couples should start living in fear that it will happen to them, but it does mean they should stop being naïve and judgmental of others…

The men were not having affairs because they weren’t getting enough at home! The other woman was NOT extra special! In the person’s mind the affair seems right at the time. An unfaithful spouse justifies and compartmentalizes their behavior…

Affairs are one big gigantic lie. The definition of lying is not only knowingly giving wrong information, it includes withholding relevant information. If a spouse has had an affair it’s relevant to the relationship. How can anyone think the solution to affairs then is to keep it a secret from their spouse? How can more lying being the cure for lying?

…the cheating husband tells more truth to the mistress than to his wife. In other words the mistress gains a “window” into the marriage. The wife gets only a “wall” into the affair. In order to heal a marriage the window and the wall must be reversed. The wife must get the truth and the mistress must be cut out…

Cheating is reckless behavior … and those engaging in it just aren’t thinking!...

Way to go Oprah for saying “You got to tell the truth!” You cannot even begin to heal a marriage until you have full disclosure. An un-confessed affair in a marriage is like undiagnosed cancer. It will eat away at each cell of the marriage until it destroys it.

We still love each other! Your genuine feelings of love for a person don’t just disappear, because there has been a betrayal of trust. We who’ve been betrayed don’t appreciate the unsolicited advice from people who tell us we should leave our unfaithful spouses and we are weak for staying. What right do you have to tell us what we should do? Do you walk in our shoes? Will you live with the outcome of the decisions we make? The choice belongs to us … the crisis of an affair can in time become a gift. It’s an opportunity to get it right. And staying with someone because you still love them is a dam good reason!...

Not all relationships are salvageable after an affair. Not all unfaithful spouses are willing to change. Always judge the behavior, not the words…

The Fourth Trimester

A friend posted a link to this article on FB and I found it interesting so I am passing it along. The original can be found here as I have edited some parts out for length (yet it is still long - sorry).

The Fourth Trimester – AKA: Why Your Newborn is Only Happy in Your Arms.

“My baby is only happy in my arms, the minute I put her down she cries”…

If I had a pound every time I heard these from a new parent I’d be a very rich lady by now! What amazes me though is that society in general doesn’t get it, they don’t get why so many babies need to be held by us to settle and what perplexes me even more is that we do spend so long trying to put them down! ... I am embarrassed to admit now it honestly didn’t enter into my head that perhaps the answer was to *not* put my baby down... It took me a long time to understand and empathise with my baby, to see the world through his eyes so to speak.

“Empathy: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing

of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”

To empathise with our newborns feelings we need to put ourselves in their place, to imagine experiencing their world – but which world? The world they have spent most of their life in, their ‘womb world’ or the world they are in now – our world. To fully understand we must appreciate the enormous transition they have made – a concept known to many as ‘The Fourth Trimester’ -some make the womb to world transition easily, others less so and it is this latter group in particular “the clingy babies” we can learn so much from through this concept.

“Birth suddenly disrupts this organization. During the month following birth, baby tries to regain his sense of organization and fit into life outside the womb. Birth and adaptation to postnatal life bring out the temperament of the baby, so for the first time he must do something to have his needs met. He is forced to act, to “behave.” If hungry, cold, or startled, he cries. He must make an effort to get the things he needs from his caregiving environment. If his needs are simple and he can get what he wants easily, he’s labeled an “easy baby”; if he does not adapt readily, he is labeled “difficult."  – Dr. William Sears

So let’s quickly compare the two different ‘worlds’ your baby has lived in:

Womb: Dark, Muffled sounds, Constant warm temperatures, Constant nutrition, Confined space, Aquatic, Inability to smell, Constant contact with mother, Constantly “held”, Naked, All surroundings soft and warm.

World: Light, Loud noises, Fluctuating temperatures, Hunger and thirst, Lots of space, Air, Many different smells, Dramatically reduced contact, Held far less, Clothes, Many surroundings hard or cold.

... On top of this the big thing to understand is that in utero the baby’s world was constant, each day was the same, the stimulation didn’t change, but now they are born each day is different – ever changing, ever stimulating!

The concept of the fourth trimester helps us to understand the transition a newborn must make over their first few weeks earth side and once we understand we find so many ways we can help – but to me the most important facet of the fourth trimester is parental understanding and empathy, once that exists everything else will flow naturally…

Movement: The womb is a constantly moving space, Braxton Hicks would squeeze your baby at the end of pregnancy and each time you moved your baby was wobbled around inside... Babies tend to love movement but so often we put them down somewhere completely still. You could try dancing, swaying from side to side, going for an exaggerated quick walk or bumpy car ride.

Skin to Skin Contact: Such a brilliant baby calmer! Being in contact with your warm, naturally (un)scented, skin is heaven for a baby, it helps to stabilise their body temperature, heart rate and stress hormones and stimulates the release of oxytocin – the love and bonding hormone – in you both…

Bed-Sharing: Sharing a bed with your baby is an amazing way of getting more sleep for everyone, babies are generally much calmer and sleep more easily if they sleep with you in your bed, yet it is such a taboo topic and although 60% of parents will share a bed with their baby at some point it’s a subject that makes society very uncomfortable...

Swaddling: Imagine how snug your baby was at the very end of your pregnancy inside of you – now imagine how strange it must feel to them after they have been born and have so much space around them! The absolutely best thing you can do is to envelop your baby in your arms, but for times when you don’t want to or indeed can’t then swaddling is an option…

Babywearing: Wearing your baby in a sling is one of the ultimate ways to keep them calm and happy. It increases the time a baby spends in a state of “quiet alertness” – a time of contentment when they learn the most… Babywearing also means 2 free hands! ... Babywearing is a great way for dads to bond with babies! ...

Position: The “tiger in the tree” position (baby lying on forearm), taken from baby yoga, is often magical, stopping a crying baby in an instant!

Noise: Babies love sound, but for many not the sound you might think. For many babies a hoover is much more calming to a baby than a lullaby. A white noise CD such as the one by BabyCalm below can be played on loop whilst your baby sleeps to help keep them calm.

Feed: If your baby is hungry nothing will calm him, so watch for his hunger cues. Feeding is always better if it is baby led, not led by a routine – whether you are breast or bottle feeding... Babies also find sucking the ultimate relaxation and comfort tool... If you are not breastfeeding you might find your baby will relax when given a dummy/pacifier.

Deep Bathing: The womb is a wet, warm place. The world as we know it is dry and cold! Sometimes a nice deep, warm bath can stop a baby’s tears in seconds – even better if mummy or daddy goes in the big bath with baby too as skin to skin contact is a wonderful baby calmer.

Outside: If all else fails many babies stop crying the minute they hit the open air – I’m not sure if this is because we are usually moving (e.g.: walking over cobbles with the buggy/ bouncing in a sling and the drone and movement of a car) or because of the change in air – but it works!

Sarah Ockwell-Smith – Mum to Four, Parenting Author and Founder of BabyCalm Ltd

Back From Mexico!

Mexico? What? When? Yes... that's right... we took off to Mexico and barely told a soul. We were gone from July 7-14 and we were at the Grand Sunset Princess in Riviera Maya. It was a good trip overall and it was nice to get away again! But, I can honestly say that after trying Cuba again last year and finally seeing Mexico this year my heart still remains in DR and I can't wait to go back there again. I have always joked that DR is the happy medium between Cuba and Mexico and now I can say for sure that it is (to me anyhow).

Anyhow, back to work and the usual grind for now!

Numerology: Part 2

More from www.paulsadowski.com...

Birthday Calculator:

Date of conception was on or about 2 December 1978; a Saturday. (TMI, I know!).

You were born on a Saturday under the astrological sign Virgo.

Your Life path number is 5.

Your fortune cookie reads: There is no limit to love's forbearance (in other words patience and tolerance; hah, funny!), to its trust (apparently), its hope (uh huh), and its power to endure (I hope so…).

Life Path Compatibility: (if any of you even know what you are)
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 and 7 (Note: My SIL is a 1, DH is a 5 and my BFF is a 7- YAY!).

You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 and 9.

You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 8.

You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 6, 11 and 22.

…

You were born in the Chinese year of the Goat.
Your Native American Zodiac sign is Bear; your plant is Violets.

…

Celebrities who share your birthday: (only the ones I actually know, well, not personally!)

Billy Ray Cyrus (1961). Regis Philbin (1933), Claudia Schiffer (1970) , Tim Burton (1958) (This may actually explain a lot! I love his work!), Gene Simmons (1949), Sean Connery (1930), Rachael Ray (1968) (Shoot me!), Elvis Costello (1954)

Top songs of 1979: (again, only the ones I know!)

My Sharona by The Knack, Da Ya Think I'm Sexy? by Rod Stewart, Escape - The Pina Colada Song by Rupert Holmes (I love this song!), I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor, Ring My Bell by Anita Ward

Your lucky day is Wednesday. (Heh heh! “Hump Day”!)
Your lucky number is 5.
Your ruling planet(s) is Mercury.
Your lucky dates are 5th, 14th, 23rd.
Your opposition sign is Pisces. (Too many comments, so no comment)
Your opposition number(s) is 3.
Your birth flower is Gladiola

Your Birthstone is Peridot Peridot is used to help dreams become a reality. Some lists (from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources) consider these stones to be your birthstone too: Sardonyx, Diamond, Jade

Your birth tree is Pine Tree, the Particularity (Note: I am allergic to Pine!)

Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

Numerology: Part 1

I don’t seriously believe in horoscopes, superstitions, or things like the “evil eye” but for some reason I always seem to enjoy reading about numerology. I recently stumbled on www.paulsadowski.com and it was actually kind of interesting. I am not going to post EVERYTHING it told me though, just bits and pieces that I related to most.

What your first name means:

Latin (F): From Cyprus, or from the river Severn. In British legend, Sabrina was the illegitimate daughter of the King of Britain and was drowned in the river by her father's ex-wife. (Note: I knew about the river, but I did not know about the drowning!)

Italian (F): From the border.

English (F): Legendary princess. (Note: That’s right!)

Your number is: 4

The characteristics of #4 are:

A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:

Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression... You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. Patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horticulture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression. (Note: I have been told that I am crafty and that I write and teach well so I guess there is some truth to this! And despite my allergies I would love to work on the side in a flower shop too! And I have always been drawn to medical stuff too! Interesting…)

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction... Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes...

Your Soul Urge number is 1:

With a Soul Urge number of 1, you want to lead and direct, to work independent of supervision, by yourself or with subordinates. You take pride in your abilities and want to be recognized for them. You may seek opportunities to display your strength and usefulness, wanting to create and originate. In your desire to manage the big picture and the main issues, you may often leave the details to others. (Note: The story of my life!)

The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.

The negative side of the 1 Soul Urge must be avoided. A negative 1 is apt to dominate situations and people; the home, the spouse, the family and the business… The great need of the 1 Soul Urge is the development of friendliness, and a sincere interest in people.

Your Inner Dream number is 3:

You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. (Note: I do/have done all three!) You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated. (Note: Popular and likable, no; appreciated, yes please!)