Testing… Testing…

One month, a handful of blood tests and 1 biopsy later… and now we wait for answers… again!

I will be seeing Dr. D soon for follow-up and I am hoping that everything comes back clean! And, in the event that something comes back with issues then I hope there are simple solutions and we can move forward quickly. From my brief research, everything I tested for has a solution so I am not really worried. Or, should I be? I never know with these things.

Re-Claiming My Uterus!

Is this writer’s block? I don’t think so…
Some internal struggle between what to keep private and what to make public? Possibly…
Or maybe I simply haven’t wrapped my head around it all yet? Probably.

For some reason I am just having trouble getting thoughts out of my head and onto paper/blog this week. I am fed up. I am emotionally worn-out from being on display, speaking both medically and personally. I am so over being a lab rat! Although, this time the process has been less lab rat like but still not pleasant.

And Then There Were 7…

Back in September I wrote that hopefully 2015 will be our year. While there is still hope for that in the future, this was not the case for us today.

Yes, we recently had our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) from the most recent IVF cycle. And no, it did not “stick”... again! We had an early beta test done on Saturday while DH was in town for a couple of days and the numbers were so low that I basically expected nothing else but negative today unless, of course, a miracle would have occurred - which it did not!

So what have we learned?

Faux Pas!

"Faux pas: a socially awkward or tactless act,
especially one that violates accepted social norms,
standard customs, or the rules of etiquette"

Wikipedia

How are your treatments going?
Did it work?
Are you pregnant?
Have you considered adoption?

These are the questions one of my co-workers threw at me last week while we were standing next to each other at the bathroom sinks. A co-worker I barely say a word to all day and someone I am not close with at all! Of course, being caught completely off guard I spilled out a little more than I had hoped to tell her and had to run damage control the following day (by e-mail) because she tends to share a little too much about other people’s personal information but… ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You don’t do that! This is a major faux pas!

New Beginnings: Where Do We Go From Here?

As of now we have a number of embryos frozen for future use. Not all of them made it this far but that is completely normal. So, now what happens?

To get pregnant, “normal” couples go into a bedroom somewhere (or backseat of a car if you prefer) without an audience and TTC. If they succeed, 3 months later they get to make their big announcement and surprise their family and friends. And now, I am glad to say that we can do the same… well, almost.

New Beginnings: Retrospective Part III

Collection day, August 29! They asked us to be there for 7:30am and by 8:00am they were already getting us prepped. They connected me to an IV and went over the procedure while DH did his part in the “boom-boom-room” (my new term for it).

New Beginnings: Retrospective Part II

On August 19, all reservations and fears now gone, DH and I went in for our first ultrasound. I was a tiny bit worried that I might have a cyst blocking me from starting as I have had in the past, but everything was perfect; start injecting!

New Beginnings: Retrospective Part I

August went by in a flash! Summer is over, school has started back up again, and soon the weather will be changing too; bye-bye summer, hello fall! We have been extremely busy and I haven’t really had the chance to write in recent weeks, so I decided to set aside some time to share the reasons why and let everyone in on our little secret!

Clinical vs Emotional

A few years ago, in couple’s therapy, we had a discussion about my way of handling our previous rounds of treatment. DH said that I seemed to lack emotional involvement and that I became overly clinical about everything. And, I completely agree.

Breaking My Silence

A while back I promised that I wouldn’t talk about my treatments so openly in the future in order to maintain some privacy. And that is exactly what I intended to do… until everything fell apart.

The Cost Of Happiness

Little girls don’t dream of growing up and having their own children through assisted reproduction methods. In fact, until I found out that this was what I needed to do in order to have children of my own, I really didn’t know much about IUI, IVM, IVF etc… let alone what any of those acronyms stood for! I was also completely unaware of the associated costs. Whoever says that money can’t buy happiness has never learned that they can only have children through IVF because you need a whole lot of money to get what you want!

I have spreadsheets detailing all of the costs over the years and it’s just incredible. Back in 2010 my rounds of IVM medications alone cost about 5600$ (1300$ out of pocket thanks to insurance) and my cancelled IVF back in 2012 cost about 1850$ (425$ out of pocket this time). But when you break that down to a day by day cost, some days were costing me 200$ or more! That’s a lot to deal with when you have to pay everything up front and then wait for your insurance claims to be completed and refunded. But don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining because this is considered to be cheap now that the Quebec government is paying for treatments; the only thing they don’t cover is the medication. I am extremely grateful for this!

Actually, I was talking to a friend recently about by upcoming (and somewhat dreaded) 35th birthday and the cost of treatments whenever we decide to start again. Jokingly, he suggested everyone should buy me a shot – and not the kind with alcohol, the injections! I might seriously have to consider this idea though; joke or not, it’s not a bad plan!

Our new clinic is also semi-private which means that while treatment itself is still covered, all of the diagnostic testing we have been going through is not. I have spent anywhere from 100$ - 450$ each time we walk in that place (also covered by insurance, mostly) but it has all been worth it and I am glad we did it. The staff is so much nicer than most of the people at the hospital, the appointments are actually on time, and when I make an appointment to see my doctor I actually see MY doctor and not an army of residents. I understand the need for teaching hospitals, but I am tired of feeling like a lab rat; I have paid those dues over and over again!

So if you see me or DH panhandling one of these days, you know why!

Turning Over A New Leaf

It is hard to believe I have maintained this blog for four whole years now. And not only have I maintained it, but I am trying to expand on it as well! In the beginning I thought that I would be writing only for myself and that nobody would read this, but every time I check Google Analytics (which tracks and reports a number of details for me) I am pleasantly surprised to see that not only a few people visit my blog, but hundreds from all around the globe! I am just a tiny little fish in a big ocean, but it feels good!

So, nearly a year ago I wrote that we were looking into different options regarding treatment because I was no longer happy with the public hospital system and lack of care. Ok, that was putting it mildly; I was beyond pissed and completely fed up of being a number! There, I said it! I also said that I would not be sharing too many details publically about treatment in the future, at least in the beginning, and I am sticking to that but I wanted to share a little bit of good news in the meantime.

We did in fact look into other options last August, and we ended up at a semi-private clinic with a doctor I had previously met at the hospital who I liked very much. It was actually this doctor that convinced me to go for IVM vs. IVF way back when. He was happy to take our case on and we have met a number of times since, and always on time! While I am extremely happy with the clinic itself, I have to redo all of my tests before we can go ahead with anything else and that has been a bit frustrating. Of course, since it is semi-private we need to pay for everything we do, but that was to be expected and we are ok with that. What bothers me is that I seem to have developed a bit of anxiety towards the whole process.

Every time I go for a test, other than blood tests, I get extremely nervous and anxious in the days leading up to it; like, even seeing my regular Gynecologist made me squirm. I have had a couple of ultrasounds already to confirm that I still have PCOS (duh!), we will be doing a mock-transfer (yes, you read that correctly – a pretend embryo transfer to see if there will be any future challenges) and another sonohystogram in the near future (Google that one, I hate it).

Even having been through the whole process many times before, knowing what each step involves and having access to better pain medication through the private facility I still get weird about it! I sincerely hope that I get over this fast because I want to enjoy this process as much as possible and not grow fearful of it… sigh.

Back To The Future

“You have to let some people go.
Everyone in your life is meant to be in your journey,
but not all of them are meant to stay till the end.”

Some time ago, this began as s a blog about TTC with PCOS and the one subject I haven’t talked about in ages is exactly that; TTC with PCOS. Why? Because… while we are not doing anything to stop a pregnancy, we haven’t actively been TTC either. And guess what? We aren’t expecting!

Yes, that’s right; the myth that once you STOP thinking about it and STOP trying so hard, it just happens out of the blue… is false! *gasp*

Medically, I know that it is probably near impossible to happen naturally, but for a variety of reasons we have not been through any invasive IUI, IVM or IVF procedures in over a year! And while I am really upset about that on one hand, I am much happier with other things that we have been focusing on in the meantime so I feel more balanced than I have in a while actually.

Focusing on the positive has been just that, positive! We have worked hard, both individually and as a couple, to improve on our relationship and communication skills before bringing a baby into the equation. We are working hard to remove all negativity and drama from our lives, even if it means severing some ties or reducing the amount of time spent with certain people. We are both focusing more on our health now and, in my case, finally acknowledging and dealing with some problems that have been ignored in the past. And, I have even been putting aside a little more money than usual to be able to stay home on maternity leave for at least two years instead of one when the time comes without worry, and that amount will simply continue to grow barring anything unexpected. Maybe I won’t ever have to work again! (DH, are you reading this? Hint! Hint!) Seriously though, I used to want three kids and now I just want one healthy pregnancy no matter what comes from it (single or twins), so I want to be able to spend as much time with my family as possible. It took me a long time to accept this reality but I am happy with this plan!

I don’t think that I talked about this very much, but through my last couple of treatments with the hospital I was not feeling very well, emotionally. It wasn’t the treatments themselves, but rather the facility. Ever since the government has been subsidizing treatment, the atmosphere at the hospital changed. There were too many patients to handle, wait times were stupidly long, and everyone just seemed generally strung out. A couple of the staff members, who I had developed a good connection with, left around the same time as well so the whole experience was just awful. Add hormones to that and it was unbearable!

So, in the spirit of change, we are now looking into other options. We have not closed our file with the hospital just yet, but we have a couple of consultations lined up elsewhere and if we find a good match we will happily move on from the hospital and hopefully never need to look back! Also, I have made a tough decision NOT to share too many details of treatment in the future and to keep things a little more private (at least while it is in progress). In fact, I think the first round that we attempt will be reserved for us and us alone (minus a couple of exceptions whom I couldn’t do it without).

Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted... even if it is not what you want right now and looking back you aren’t sure it was the right decision in the first place, it was right for you then.

Round 1 (IVF/IUI): Over...

Did my blood test this morning and I just got the call from the nurse. No surprises... negative as expected. So, just to summarize everything up to date:

IUI #1 March 2010: Clomid – Cancelled

IUI #2 April 2010: Clomid – Cancelled

IUI #3 May 2010: Gonal-F – Cancelled

IVM #1 November 2010: Cancelled before starting (cyst)

IVM #2 December 2010: Repronex etc… - 4 embryos, 2 transferred and 2 frozen, Negative (BFN)

IVM #2 March 2011: 2 frozen embryos transferred, BFN

IVF #1 February 2012: Repronex etc…, converted to IUI #4, BFN

I will be meeting with my doctor soon and we will go over the medications I have been using, what I will use the next time, and anything else that needs to be discussed. I believe the next round will also be scheduled but from what I understand there is a LONG list ahead of me so who knows when it will happen...

Round 3 (IVM): Summary

As some of you already know, I did another cycle in March using the embryos I had frozen back in December. Of the 2 embryos transferred on March 16^th one of them was as perfect as can be in IVM! However, I did not let myself get my hopes up because I saw firsthand what that can do back in January when I was devastated. 

I remained pretty neutral throughout, even went back to work after a couple of days instead of a couple of weeks (yes, the doctor agreed to this) and I did not include very many people in this cycle either.  It was so much easier this way and I have learned that, in future, this is the way to go! In fact, I will probably include even fewer people. No offense to anyone, just my choice.

On March 28^th I did my final pregnancy test at home and saw that it was still coming up negative. At this point, I pretty much knew that my blood test would only confirm what I already knew… and that is just what it did.

I met with my doctor yesterday and will be moving into IVF. Like he said, we tried IVM and it didn’t work… but it was far more successful that IUI ever was so there is hope in that. Yes, I already have a schedule set up and have a pretty good idea of when things will be happening but, as I mentioned above, I will be keeping things to myself for now. Only a few people know at the moment and very few others will be informed. 

So… round 3…. bust again…. moving on….

Creating My Monster – 1 Year Anniversary and Updates

One year ago today I started this blog about my journey TTC with PCOS. I had hoped to have better news to share by now but unfortunately things have not worked out as we had hoped for.

For those of you who do not already know, Round 2 (IVM) was not successful. I had a strong feeling that it hadn’t taken but went in for my blood test on Jan 15th to confirm. I met with my doctor on January 18th and now have a better understanding as to why it didn’t work. Basically, they believe it came down to embryo quality – not anything that I did wrong (I have to keep telling myself that).

There are 3 grades of usable embryos from what I understand: Grade 1 which has never been seen in the lab, Grade 2 which is the best quality to hope for through IVF/IVM, and Grade 3 which are acceptable but have a lesser chance of success. Any embryo that is lower than a grade 3 is considered unusable, and in my case they had to discard 2/6 that were of lower quality. In January they transferred two Grade 3 embryos in hopes that at least one of them would implant despite their lower quality, but neither did. However, the two embryos that I was able to freeze are Grade 2 quality and have a much higher success rate in thawing as well as transferring so we remain hopeful, at least for now!

No decision has been made as to how many embryos will be transferred the next time, but we already have a date set for Round 3 (IVM). Unfortunately, as the hospital is heavily overbooked we were not able to start again right away, but that gave us the chance to go to Cuba! It was a last minute decision with only a week of preparation and very little research (very abnormal for me) but it was needed! We just got back so I will post more about the trip later on! As for Round 3 (IVM), I have decided to keep things a little less public this time around because it made the failure of the last round really hard for us to handle. Too many people knew the exact time I would be finding out if if had worked or not and that meant a lot of phone calls to make at a time when we really didn't want to talk to anybody and share our bad news. This time, a few people will know but even then, I am not sure in how much detail. Once we get the news, good or bad, it will give us some time to process things for ourselves before sharing with others. And hopefully it will be good news this time around!!!

Now, I think this post needs a bit of uplifting news, don't you?

Well, last but certainly not least, I am thrilled to announce that I am going to be an aunt this May! I have known since late November and have told a few people, but I had decided a while ago to wait until this post to let everyone know regardless of our own news (or lack of)! I just hope that I get to give my niece or nephew a little cousin soon!

No Answers Yet, But... To Tell Or Not To Tell...

Once the embryo transfer was done, as far as I was concerned I was/am pregnant until proven otherwise. This was suggested to me to do by another friend in treatment and it is probably the best advice I have received in recent months and something I have tried to keep in practice as best I could. I still do not have any answers but I wanted to address the “do we tell or don’t tell” issues now, before I find out for sure so no one can say they were not warned ahead of time.

Everyone knows the “don't tell until you are at least 3 months pregnant” rule. It’s as though by telling you are tempting fate. It is completely understandable to wait, as many pregnancies do not make it through the first trimester and it can be scary to celebrate a new life not knowing what will happen in the weeks to come. I guess that the 3 month wait is sort of a safe-haven for some; a sign that they are out of danger and free to share their news with the world. For others it is simply the way things are done. We are creatures of habit, after all!

But, as much as it is understandable to wait, it is also just as reasonable for others to share their news right away. Some feel the need to celebrate parenthood openly from the beginning and they turn to family and friends for support and advice immediately. And, should something terminate the pregnancy, they have a large network to help them grieve and get through the process. However, there is also a down side to this in my opinion; too much advice, no control on who hears the news, when they hear, and how they hear. And, often times, scrutiny by others for telling so early!

So, what is the right thing to do? Well, the answer is simple... do whatever is right for YOU. Not because someone tells you to, not because society dictates that you must do this or that, but because it makes you happy. If it feels right to tell, then share the news. If you would rather wait, then wait. You are parents now; you get to make the decisions!

One thing that makes this decision a little more complicated for us is that this whole process has been very open from the start and it is pretty obvious when we will be finding out the answer we have been waiting for. Unlike a traditional pregnancy, everyone knows what we have been doing! Already, a large handful of people know the exact date and time that I will be finding out the answer. Do we keep up the suspense, and if so, how? Do we tell some people but not others and hope that the news does not spread like wildfire? Do we tell everyone we know? I do not have answers to these questions yet but they will come in time. Certain people will definitely be told from the start I am sure, but as for everyone else... we will see!

No matter what happens, it is a big decision to make and it is OUR decision to make. Whether you are one of the first or one of the last to find out, all I ask is for a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t for whatever we decide to do!

Round 2 (IVM): Step 5 - Assisted Hatching

I phoned the hospital today with some questions about the last 4 embryos I had in the lab and while I was at it I asked about the assisted hatching. It seems that it WAS done and I just missed it with everything going on around me. So, what is it?

Embryos are transferred once they reach the blastocyst stage of development. Normally, the blastocyst itself would perform the zona hatching in order to implant on the uterus but in many cases with IVF or IVM, the lab performs a technique called Assisted Hatching in order to increase the chances of pregnancy.

The easiest way I have found to describe this is with a chicken egg. Basically, the yolk inside is what needs to attach to the uterus. In order to do that, it must first break through the shell. Research has shown that, for a variety of reasons, the "shell" of the embryo can sometimes become too tough for this to occur so a small hole is made by the lab making it easier for the yolk to spill out once transferred.

I cannot find any clear statistics but it seems as though the opinion on assisted hatching varies. Some research says it has no effect while others show significant increases in success rates so who knows! As long as it works for me I am happy!

And, as for my remaining embryos... 2 did not make it and the other 2 have been frozen for future use.

Round 2 (IVM): Step 5 (Transfer) Complete!

As many of you already know, yesterday I completed step 5 of the process – embryo transfer. Assisted hatching was not used in the end as far as I could tell so I won’t bother going into details about that as I had planned. It was cool, though, to see my embryos right in front of me under a microscope! That’s definitely not something you see in a regular pregnancy!

As usual, some complications were involved (it wouldn’t be me if there weren’t any) but overall things went well and I even had a couple of little surprises along the way too (which will remain secret for now). I am off work for a couple of weeks taking it easy until my blood test as well as eating a “preggo” diet (no more rare meat or sushi), and taking my remaining medications to help things along.

Final tally on my “soccer team in a petri dish” as some of you have heard me talk about:

11 eggs were collected, out of which 7 matured and were fertilized. 1 egg did not make it through fertilization so I then had 6 embryos to work with (my soccer team). Of these 6, 4 are still splitting in the lab and cannot be frozen yet (I hope they all make it). The remaining 2 have been used as of yesterday; either transferred or frozen for later.

And now we wait and see what happens!

Round 2 (IVM): Step 4 Updates!

Firstly, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year! 2010 is over... bad luck has come to an end... and 2011 is the time for new beginnings! Ironically, on December 30th 11 eggs were collected from me. I am not into numbers, but 11 eggs going into 2011? Kinda cool, no?

Anyhow, so here is the update:

Dec 30 – 11 eggs collected but only 1 was mature. I was disappointed in this but 1 is all we needed!

Dec 31 – In the morning, no changes. The 1 mature egg was fertilized but the others were not doing much. However, in the afternoon 2 more eggs matured and were fertilized bringing us to 3 healthy embryos.

Jan 1 – Over night, 4 more eggs matured! This morning they will be fertilized bringing us to 7 embryos if all goes well.

No word yet on when the transfer will be but my wish was to transfer in 2011 and have at least 2-3 to freeze so it looks like things are going mostly as planned for once!!! For once, I have happy tears. I think  the biggest joy I have had thus far was telling my grandmother the good news. She couldn't have been happier for us and I like making her smile.

Thank you everyone for your support!!!