The Three C's

"The three C's of life: choices, chances and changes. 

You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change."

Unknown

Pets

As I have been saying all week, it is not a good week to be one of my pets right now!

Last Thursday I had to bring one of my cats to the vet because she had an awful smell coming from her mouth (she had it for a couple of months but it got way worse). The vet said that two of her canine teeth were infected and would have to be removed and that she also should get a cleaning - to the tune of 900$ and she gave me a referral. I booked her for tomorrow morning.

Then, earlier this week (Tuesday) I come home and one of my fish had died. He had been sick for a few weeks and I was doing everything I could to help him but he didn't make it. Usually my fish are buried out in the front garden, but since the ground was kind of frozen and my "pallbearer" is away for work again... I flushed my first fish *cry*.

And then more bad news tonight, or maybe it's good news? So I brought the cat in tonight so that they can treat her a bit overnight and then do the surgery early in the morning. I met with the vet/surgeon and find out that it's not just an infection she has but rather Feline Periodontal Disease! The good news is that it is being caught and treated earlier, the bad news is that she may lose more than just her canine teeth tomorrow and I have no clue what this will all mean long-term. I will be looking into it all soon though. And, because she will be under for such a long time they want to keep her another night for observation so I won't see her till Saturday.

The house is really quiet. We are down to my freaky cat, one little fish and myself.

Happy Birthday Nana

Today would have been Nana's 92nd birthday... and I wish she could be here to celebrate it because I miss her dearly.

Christmas Tree

I caved, I put up my small tree and a few other decorations... and that's all I am going to say on the matter!

December Updates

So my plan didn't work - the exit fee was already included in my trip so they sent me home no questions asked! Oh well! Been home for over a week now and still haven't finished unpacking, sorting out gifts, etc... been too busy and tired to care. If I had the money I would go back in a heartbeat!

And, I am still in debate over my christmas tree. Last year I did not want to put one up but after everyone kept nagging me I finally caved and did it... the big one too! This year, once again, I cannot make up my mind. On one hand I don't really care and on the other maybe I should - why, I don't know. Usually today would be the day I put it up so I guess I will figure it out tonight. Maybe I will just put the small one up. I dunno, I am just not into it at all this year.

Anyhow, that's it for now. Busy month so may not have many more updates until 2012!

Leaving On A Jet Plane... Again!

For those of you who don't already know, I am going "home" for a week and will be leaving tomorrow afternoon! I have been waiting 2 months for this trip and cannot wait to get out of here, especially after the last two weeks! And, even more exciting, I was given extra baggage allowance by the airline to bring down loads of school supplies that will be going to Sosua Kids. I believe I have enough supplies now to help send about 15 children to school next year!

In order to leave the country you have to pay 10-20$, and I have always wondered what would happen if you refused to pay. Maybe I will try it out this time so that they can keep me! And, if not, I will talk to you all soon!

Lest We Forget 11-11-11

Many people have commented on the fact that I haven't been wearing a poppy this year. And you know what? Scoff all you want! I see people walking all around me with them for maybe 2 weeks of the year while they "remember" things they know nothing about. I, on the other hand, not only have a poppy in my office next to a picture of my Nana but I wear one on my heart 24/7, 365 days a year for both of my grandparents. I chose not to wear one this year but that does not mean that I have forgotten. I will never forget.

Business Etiquette Lessons for the Female Secretary of 1944

Worried about losing your job because you don't get along very well with your boss? Here are some of the business etiquette lessons that helped female secretaries in 1944 keep their jobs.

In today's uncertain economy I do not doubt that there are many of you out there that are concerned about losing your job. Not getting along with your boss can be the deciding factor as to whether you or another employee gets the axe. I thought I would share some words of wisdom about how to get along with your boss summarized from a business etiquette book published in 1944, written for the female secretary in the business world. Perhaps it will spark some inspiration about how you, too, in today's uncertain job market can keep your employer happy, and thereby save that crucial job. (Or at least give you a bit of a chuckle during these depressing economic times!)

Spend some time studying your boss and learn to understand his personality and disposition. If you put in the necessary time to understand what makes the man tick, you will have a much better chance of making the necessary personal adjustments in responses to his moods and figuring out what makes him happy. Expect to do all the changing and that your boss will never change.

Do what you can to keep your boss comfortable by guarding his time and privacy. Make sure only the necessary and important calls get through on the phone and screen all other calls and impositions on his time appropriately. Unnecessary interruptions make most bosses cranky.

Take on extra, unpaid work from the boss's wife with cheerful, discrete willingness. If your boss' wife asks you to pick up her new dress from the cleaners or to address all her Christmas letters be sure to do so most willingly and by all means do not let the boss know that his wife is imposing on you in such a way. If you have to do these extra errands after work or during your lunch hour, for no additional pay, well that's just part of being a good employee and you shouldn't raise a stink.

Make 'Tact' your middle name when dealing with a difficult boss. If you need the job, then you had best learn how to suffer in silence and with grace when your boss throws tantrums or treats you disrespectfully. Even if he yells and swears at you, just smile and be respectful and get the work done. According to this woman's words of wisdom "Being tactful includes doing what one is told to do promptly and pleasantly even when the orders are given without ordinary courtesy."

Accept with grace if you become the office scapegoat and are blamed for others mistakes. Because the reputation of the business or firm is more important than your own personal reputation outside the office, don't get upset if your boss claims that an executive error was your fault. For example, when one is courting a new client, which promotes future relations with that client better: "I, the head of the company, completely spaced that we were to meet today" or "My stupid secretary forgot to put the meeting on my calendar." With the second, the boss can save face, while only you receive a reputation of incompetence outside the firm. A wise employee sees how having such an office scapegoat is a valuable asset.

Don't waste time flattering your boss. Even the most obtuse of bosses will realize when you are smothering him with hot air, so don't waste time on empty flattery. Your boss wants to see you cheerfully working and capable in your work. Your job is to make him think you are indispensable, not someone of little substance.

The reader will have undoubtedly noted that I updated some of the language to include more modern metaphors. I will let the reader decide which of the above advice for female secretaries in 1944 is actually appropriate for today's average employee.

Source: www.bukisa.com

Words of wisdom from Steve Jobs

"Death is very likely the single best invention of life... No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Steve Jobs

Not Abandoned

Just wanted to say that I have not abandoned this blog... I am simply buried under a couple of huge projects right now and haven't had the time to write, but I will soon!

Family And In-Laws

Am I the only one who thinks that once you leave the nest… the nest should leave you alone? You know, family… extended family… in-laws! “Spread your wings and learn to fly! But not too far, come closer, don’t do that, let me help you, not that way, you’re doing it wrong, where are you going, who was that, when will I see you again, how could you do this to me… oh, I should have kept clipping your wings! Why don’t you just come back to the nest and let us take care of you… for the rest of your life!” Does any of that sound familiar? Sound like torture? Come on, admit it! Or are your wings still clipped?

Honestly though, we have all heard the monster-in-law stories but face it, even parents or extended family members can be just as bad when it comes to making your life a living hell! Now, I am not saying that my family (direct or in-law) are this way (or not) but I did find this article on www.slice.ca interesting and helpful so I wanted to share.

Survive the in-laws’ visit now; thank us later:

If you’re one of those people who regularly says, “But I get along fine with my in-laws” and means it, go away. Find other perfect people to talk to. For the rest of us, dealing with in-laws is about as comfortable as an hour-long Pap test. You’re being scrutinized, you’re in constant discomfort, and you can’t leave. Alas, like a Pap test, in-laws are a necessary evil. In the end, the only thing you can do is endure them as gracefully as possible. Just be prepared.

Share the pain. Nothing is worse than having your in-laws unloaded on you only to have your partner disappear for a day of golf. That’s a no-go. Make it very clear that when your in-laws show up, he’s going to be around—or else. If he’s a big fan of his parents and has no sympathy for you, make sure you invite your own parents around and then leave to go shopping with your girls. See how he likes it.

Find “escape” moments. When you feel your blood pressure rising, make quick excuses to be alone. Go for a walk to the store to get that “missing” ingredient. Make up an emergency coffee session with a friend. In fact, ask that friend to call in advance to add authenticity. Consider it a personal therapy session.

Bite your tongue. This one hurts, but can save you a lot of grief later. Whether you’re enduring criticisms or hours of pointless prattle, simply nod and smile. Arguing with in-laws can go two ways: either it leads to a verbal battle or months of apologies on your part to oversensitive egos. Ask yourself this: would you rather wax your legs quickly or pluck the hairs out one at a time?

Think of it as a sport. Try telling yourself, it’s you and your partner against the in-laws. If mom-in-law is diving into the baby conversation, your partner jumps in with a food distraction. Dad-in-law is preparing for the big employment speech, you jump in with an interesting book or fact you just read. It’s all about distractions. Bob and weave. Excuse yourself to visit the washroom, then conveniently forget what you were previously discussing. Turn on the TV and gape at something inane: “Wow, Sally, look at the size of that cow!” Silly, but effective.

Beat them at their own game. Every in-law has a schtick. Whether it’s criticizing your cooking, never leaving your side for a second, riling up your partner into a macho frenzy, whatever it is, work with it. Insult your own cooking repeatedly before your mother-in-law gets the chance. Follow them around with dizzying conversation until they need a break. Join in the macho frenzy before your partner can. It’s amazing how matching silly behaviour with even sillier behaviour can bring it to a screeching halt.

For many of us, in-laws are like children. And how should you deal with emotionally petulant children? You coddle, bribe, bargain, or chastise, as necessary. While the latter is done in private after they’ve left, the others can be lifesavers. Even the worst of in-laws must have some good qualities. They did, after all, raise your partner into the person you love today (even if they didn’t teach him how to unload a dishwasher or work the washing machine).

Article Written by: Robyn Burnett

Happy (Belated) Sweet Sixteen Times Two To Me!

So many things have happened over the last week that I just haven’t had the chance to write a thing until now! Let’s get caught up.

Let’s begin by recapping my horrible-turned-wonderful day last Tuesday. So, as you all know I got my beloved Kobo e-reader last year on my birthday. I cannot live without this thing! So, I was just next to work about to get off the bus and the driver slams on the breaks. My purse hit one of the poles and I heard a small crack from my bag but I thought nothing of it at the time. Later, on the way home, I take my Kobo out and see that it was ruined! It won’t turn on, the screen is all grey with black lines through it, and my first thought was “I am leaving in 2 days, I need my book”! Thankfully a friend was with me on the bus or I probably would have sobbed the whole way home (only half kidding). Anyhow, so I get home and I race to the bookstore to buy a paper copy of the book because I really love it and to talk to them about my Kobo. The manager takes one look at it and says “Oh, I’ve seen that before. Why don’t you take a look at the new model” and starts showing me all the features. Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved the new model but really didn’t want to spend another 140$ plus 30$ for a new cover (because the new one is smaller). Reluctantly, I agree, and the guy rings it up and says 80 something dollars. What??? He gave me a 100$ bill credit for my defective Kobo!!! I kept my mouth closed about the damage, took my new Kobo and ran! On the way home I realized that I forgot to buy the book but it was getting late so I didn’t bother going back. But, to my surprise, when I get home a copy of the book is waiting for me in my mailbox! My friend on the bus saw how upset I was and went to the bookstore herself to buy it for me as a birthday present! Oh, and I LOVE the new Kobo so all in all it turned out to be a great day! Thank you for making me smile AND for the book!

So, that was Tuesday. On Thursday, my actual birthday, we set out for the waterslides up north. It was raining at home but the forecast said sunny where we were headed so I bought my tickets online (to save 50%) and we left. And the weatherman was WRONG. Dark clouds, cool winds, and rain rain rain! But, we already had our tickets so we braved it like a couple of crazy people. It turned out not to be so bad all things considered and we had 4 hours of fun followed by a wonderful dinner at a nearby Creperie. And that was where the fun comes to an end. We arrived at our usual spa around 8pm and we were nothing but disappointed. They have renovated so we no longer had our usual room. Our new room was overpriced, moldy and dusty but it was late so we decided to stay and handle things in the morning after breakfast. Hah, breakfast! A tiny cold buffet and they no longer serve hot food like eggs or pancakes. So, after my toast and peanut butter I got into an argument with them about wanting to leave a day early, disagreed on the refund they were offering but ended up accepting it and leaving the spa for the whole day just so we didn’t have to be there. We came back for our massage in the afternoon (because my shoulder is acting up again) and then we went home. We won’t be going back there ever again! I have a long review on tripadvisor if anyone wants to read it and already know the next spa I will be going to instead. A little more money but 5 star service! Oh, and while we were avoiding the spa we did a little shopping at the outlet malls and I bought some new running shoes and a Guess purse that I am in love with!

Saturday and Sunday were just spent relaxing, getting some things done around the house, visiting family and having an interesting slalom across the Champlain Bridge due to hurricane Irene.

And, last but not least, we went out for groceries yesterday and while we were there we bought a small birthday cake since I never really had one. DH even put a candle in it and sang Happy Birthday to me! Awe! So, all in all not a bad birthday this year I guess!

20 Questions

I haven’t been posting much but I can assure you all that I have been writing! There have been a number of personal and work related issues to sort out this summer but I hope that I can finally get back to blogging a bit and clear out the handful of incomplete blogs that I have sitting around. Things are wrapping up so hopefully my brain can focus better now.

Just for fun, I pulled out an old “20 Questions” that I had on one of my websites years back and decided to give it an update. I know it seems like more but, yes, there are only 20 questions here!

Given Name: I will simply say that I am not fond of it at all. I have a first name and a middle name. From birth I was referred to by a nickname of my middle name and around college I started using my first name instead. I now answer to both which can sometimes be confusing, especially in a mixed group of friends and family! I hope to legally change my name one day.

Birthday: End of August. I’m a Virgo/Earth Element if that means anything to anyone!

Height: 5'5" and rarely wear heels anymore so yes, I’m short!

Hair: Varying shades of brown, depending on which dye I use.

Eyes: Plain old brown... but I keep being told I have nice eyes so I guess they aren't as boring as I think they are!

Background: Apparently I am a mutt! A mix of German (this person was Jewish as well), Scottish, Irish, British, Huron, and French descent. In recent years I seem to have turned part Italian thanks to my other half as well!

Family: An only child from a broken/abusive home. Parents divorced just after my 21st birthday and I have pretty much been on my own since about a year after that.

Marital Status: Married.

Education: College background in both Social Sciences (because I had planned to become a teacher) and Multimedia Programming for Graphic Design. Started a marketing Certificate as well but never finished it.

Positive Traits: Devoted, Loving, Creative, Caring, Determined, Ambitious, Generous, Understanding, Helpful, Intelligent, Outgoing, Supportive, and Stubborn (yes this can be a good trait too).

Not-so-Positive Traits: Impatient, Temperamental, Persistent, Naive (at times), and Stubborn (ok so it's a bad trait too).

Pets: In the past I have had 6 cats, 2 dogs, 2 hamsters, as well as MANY goldfish and a few betta fish. I now have 2 cats and 2 betta fish.

Body Art: I have a total of 13 piercings and 3 tattoos (technically 4). The piercings started back in high school but the tattoos started sometime around 2002. My second one was in April 2003, cover-up October 2003, and the last one in summer 2006. When I got my first piercings and tattoos, they told me it was addictive... they were right...

Place(s) I have been: USA (Florida, Virginia, Philadelphia, Washington, Vermont and New York), Cuba (twice), British Columbia, England and my home away from home – Dominican Republic (4 times in 3 years).

Place(s) I would like to go: England again, Italy, France, Japan, Hawaii, California and New Orleans.

Pet Peeves: In NO particular order!... Parents who don't parent, babies making babies, no toilet paper or paper towels in public bathrooms, "sheep people", walking billboards, having to repeat myself because the person isn't listening, ex’s (boyfriend, girlfriend, you name it!), rude and mean people, materialistic people, doctors who got their degree from a cracker-jack box, people who hurt children, telemarketing, ignorance, selfishness... This could go on FOREVER so I will stop now!

Worst Nightmare: Waking up one morning and finding that I am back in my childhood. I may not be perfect but I have worked hard and struggled through life to get where I am. To lose all of that now would be truly horrible.

Life Philosophy: One of the greatest pleasures in life is to do what people say you cannot do. Stretch the limits, be your best, surpass your best... and then? Look back and smile in the faces of all those who said that you couldn't do it because you proved them wrong! Also, try and learn from your own mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others. Everything happens for a reason; some are for the better and others for the worse, but no matter what it can be something to learn from. People always say that bad things will never happen to them... until it does... and then it is too late. Protect yourself, respect yourself, and trust your judgment. Until you learn to do so, you will never be truly happy... so, Live, Love and Laugh!

Favorite Quote: "Quod me nutrit me destruit" (Latin for "That which nourishes me also destroys me"). And many others!

My Favorites:

Food(s): Italian, BBQ and Seafood. Oh and anything chocolate (dark and bitter chocolate truffles... Mmmmm).

Drink(s): Brown Cow (Kahlua and Milk), Pina Colada, Rum & Coke, any of those Vodka and lemonade mixes, lemonade itself, iced Tea, and any form of juice really... and milk.

Movie(s): Anne of Green Gables (sue me! I'm Canadian!), Life or Something Like It, Pirates of the Caribbean, Sliding Doors... and basically anything with Angelina Jolie or Johnny Depp seems to be something I like! I have way too many movies!

Music(s): I listen to almost everything from classical to country to pop and rock and roll!

TV Show(s): Mad About You, Friends, Gilmore Girls, The Riches, Sex and the City, Weeds, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, and cooking/reality shows.

Actor(s): Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas

Actress(s): Angelina Jolie... and... um... I can't think of others...

Book(s): See my account at Shelfari!

Color(s): Black, Deep Reds, Pale Yellow, and almost all Pinks and Purples.

Animal(s): All cats and BIG dogs

Season(s): Fall, when all the leaves are changing colors.

Hobbies(s): Digital Art, Faeries, Web Design, Computer Games, Friends, comedy shows and concerts.

Flowers(s): Lilies (Tiger Lilies most), Daisies, Sunflowers, Orchids, or anything exotic.

Stones(s): Princess cut diamonds and rubies.

August Updates

I know I know.... I promised I would post on here once a week at least and I haven't kept my word... tough! It's the summertime and I have been busy so I just haven't had the chance. But, since a couple of people have been asking me about this lately I thought I should update everyone all at once.

No, we have not been hiding anything from you. We have not done any further treatments since last March actually. In fact, we are scheduled to begin one today but for personal reasons we have decided to postpone (which reminds me, I should call the hospital). I am not exactly happy about the decision but it is what it is. And, I do not wish to discuss it.

Aside from that,we still haven't gone on vacation yet this summer so it's been the usual schedule of working during the week and working in the yard on the weekends. Hopefully we will get away in a couple of weeks. I am determined to spend my birthday outside of the country or at least the province!

So, that's it for now. I hope everyone is enjoying their summer!

Week Of Monday's

Today is Wednesday, but for me this whole week has felt like a Monday! Over and over again like a horrible "Groundhog Day" thing.

On Monday-Monday, DH informed me that he will be spending an extra week away for work. This is nothing unusual, other than the fact that we have all sorts of plans next week and the intention was for him to be home in time for all of those plans... and now he won't be. Thankfully I managed to find someone else to go to a show with me and re-scheduled an appointment we had but, unfortunately, I had to give him a bit of information about his surprise b-day BBQ. He said it was fine that I told him, but I am still upset. Anyhow, plenty more surprises on the way so not a big deal I guess. Anyhow, at night I decided to use our pool for the first time and clean out the skimmer too. More on this in a moment...

Tuesday-Monday went pretty well during the day. Been pretty busy but everything is going well. I came home and decided to go in the pool again for a bit and that is when I saw it. My brand new 100$ bathing suit, that I am in love with and had never worn prior to the day before, was ruined! While cleaning out the skimmer the night before, I guess I rubbed the fabric too hard on the cement and I made my whole right boob FUZZY! I came back inside as soon as I noticed and order a new one online (which was now 35$). Then, I made some pasta and when i went to shake the parmesan the top flew off and I got cheese all over my kitchen!

Wednesday-Monday things started to look up. I woke up with a splitting headache and was about to stay home until I remembered I HAD to go in to work for something today. I got up and got ready and while I was a little bit too early for my usual bus, I was just on time for the one before so with a little run down the path I caught it and ran into a friend so I had some company on the way to work at least. In the middle of the day something struck me and I decided to double check which bathing suit I had ordered, and sure enough it was the wrong one! Similar but not the same. This evening I decided to go back to the store to see if they had any left at all and they didn't... BUT... I got the item number, called another location and they have put one aside for me! You know, it's not every day that I actually like the way a bathing suit looks on me... in fact, I don't think that I ever have! So, I am super happy about that now and I have cancelled my online order as well! New one for vacations, damaged one for home. Yay!

So, it is nearly Thursday and it seems that "Monday" has finally left me. Even better, I don't work on Friday!!! DH was supposed to be come home on Friday, but I will live.

Definition Of My Life: The Work Widow!

I am having an FML kind of day today, and no I do not intend to go into detail. However, to sum things up, here is the current definition of my life as described by Urban Dictionary: 

Work Widow: Commonly found among the partners of consultants and salespeople, a state of "temporary widowhood" caused by the work or work travel schedule of a significant other. A woman, married or in a relationship, who is often left alone on a regular basis for significant periods of time (multiple days), enough to seem to be single or without companionship. (Male version: Work Widower)

It is not that I don't understand what is going on right now, it's just that I am tired and fed up with it. Those who live (or have lived) this life understand how I am feeling right now and thank you for being there for me.

I don't want pity or sympathy from anyone - I just needed to vent... so, FML!

June Updates!

Not much going on really, but I realized that I haven’t posted in awhile so I thought I would take a minute and write something before the long weekend! 

So, what’s been happening? 

We were supposed to be on vacation this week but since DH was sent back to Germany again we had to cut things short. We spent a couple of days in Ottawa last week over St-Jean and from the looks of things we won’t be taking any more vacation for the rest of the summer. I don’t really mind since I would rather travel during the winter anyhow. Thinking of a little fun in Vegas, relaxing in the Caribbean, and an adventure or two over in Europe in the next year depending on how things go. We will see!

Also, I have officially been smoke free for over 6 months now. I still get the odd craving, mainly when I am stressing out, but they pass. No point giving in now after all this time, right?

I have been lucky enough to see my niece every weekend since she was born but since DH is away for a couple of weeks I probably won’t see her until mid July *sniff*. Don’t grow too much too quickly and be good to mommy who is home alone with you now! 

Other than that there is not much to report. Happy long weekend everyone!

I'm An Aunt!!!

Joy – noun: 1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation. 2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated. 3. the expression or display of glad feeling.

Late at night on Saturday June 4th (2011) I oficially became an aunt! I got to spend some time with my niece on Sunday in the hospital and for the first time ever I wasn't afraid to hold a newborn! And I may be biased, but she is one of the sweetest babies I have ever seen! So alert and observant already too. Now I know what unconditional love really means...

Congratulations again! I am so happy for you guys and I can't wait to see the little munchkin again! You have an extra room for me to move into, right? Just kidding!

Anger

"Anybody can become angry - that is easy,

but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree

and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way -

that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."

Aristotle

Facing Demons

“'Tis better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all.”

Alfred, Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam: 27, 1849

Over the years I have come to realize that I am not a victim of my past, but rather a survivor. This is where I draw the majority of my strength from and I have realized that it is also what separates me from others in many cases. A survivor is to a victim as oil is to water; they don’t mix. Looking back, I recognize now why some relationships (family, friends, co-workers, etc…) would have never worked out no matter how hard we tried and why other bonds are so strong.

“Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the ones you NEED:
To help you, hurt you, leave you, or love you…
and to make you into the person you were meant to be.”

I am not sure where the above quote came from or when I first saw it, but I swear by it. Sure, when I look back over my life, there are a ton of things I would never wish on my worst enemy; but if they never would have happened, then who would I be now? I realize now that “these people” were put into my life to hurt me and, in a few cases, to leave me as well. But I also know now that they helped me. They were in my life to give me strength, courage, and confidence in myself. Because of them, obstacles now present a challenge to me; not defeat. Not to mention that I have learned from their mistakes and have/will “break the cycle” as they say.

It took me years to figure things out and get where I am today but, thankfully, I have had many people to lean on for support during the bumpy ride I took to get here. I admit that it wasn’t always positive support (no regrets, although hindsight is 20/20), but I am glad that when I needed it most I found the RIGHT people to surround myself with. I needed those people (yes, even the bad ones in their time). They helped me, they loved me, and they were a crucial part in making me who I am today. Without them, I may not have been here at all…

Except, where are those people now? What place do they have in my life today? Now that I can stand on my own two feet, who remains alongside me? This is something I have been asking myself over and over the last couple of weeks and I am struggling with some of the answers I have found. It’s never easy, even when someone hurts and leaves you, but what about the ones who love and care about you? Who helped you get your life on track and then vanish, often times with no forewarning? After everything I have been taught, that is one thing I never learned how to accept… not well, anyhow.

I have come to terms with many things in my past. I understand why some people hurt me, why others have left me, and even why some have come back. I try to welcome all of these things into my life some way or another because in the greater scheme of things it all makes sense. But some of the more recent events don’t make sense. I have been betrayed and abandoned many times before, but I can count on one hand the times I have had to let go of someone I truly cared about! The wounds are still fresh, and I guess that only time will tell – but I am hurting and not afraid to say so!

I am gathering the courage to confront my demons one by one, but some of their faces shock me…

The Cracked Pot

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, but the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”

The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

So, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

My Farewell to Nana

Yesterday I posted the eulogy that I wrote for Nana, but a friend reminded me that I also said the closing words for the service and that I might want to post these as well. Here they are:

While searching for some inspiration on my closing words, many memorial poems and readings popped up but they were far too dark and gloomy for my tastes. However, amidst all of these, I also fell upon Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind” – the Princess Diana Tribute. It made me laugh because as much as Nana would speak against the monarchy, while cleaning her residence we found a special edition of HELLO Magazine about the past Royal weddings, Princess Diana, as well as “Inside details about Will and Kate”. I never knew my grandmother read the tabloids, let alone those about the Royal Family!

I have always loved this song, and many of the words remind me of my grandmother, so in closing I would like to read a small part of the lyrics, with some creative liberties, in her honor:

It seems to me you lived your life

Like a candle in the wind

Never fading with the sunset

When the rain set in

And your footsteps will always fall you

Along England's greenest hills

Your candle's burned out long before

Your legend never will

Goodbye Nana

May you ever grow in our hearts

You were the grace that placed itself

Where lives were torn apart

Goodbye Nana

From family and friends - lost without your soul

Who'll miss everything about you

More than you'll ever know

My Eulogy for Nana

Last Friday evening we held a memorial service for my grandmother. I was very surprised to see some people attend and also disappointed not to see some others that I had expected (not including those whom I had spoken to earlier – I understand why you couldn’t be there). In the end, there could have been 1 person or 100 and it wouldn’t have mattered to me because this was all for Nana and I know that she was there in spirit.

While many people could not attend, a number have asked me for a copy of my eulogy so that they could read it. So, I figured I would save myself some time and post it here for all of you to see as well.

Strong, independent, courageous, artistic, imaginative, free spirited, and brave... Stubborn, hard headed, argumentative, and sometimes unreasonable... These are all adjectives that have come to characterize me over the years. Some are quite positive, and others, not so much. But, before these words were ever used to describe me, anyone who knew her knew that they described my grandmother and I am proud to say that in all of those ways and more I definitely take after my Nana.

She was born December 11, 1919, in England. She was the second oldest of 5 children, 4 girls and 1 boy. She married my grandfather in 1947, here in Montreal, and together they had only one child, my mother. I was her only grandchild and she was the only grandmother I ever knew growing up. At 92, she had outlived all of her siblings, her husband, and many of her friends.

Over the last few years I have tried to take the time to find out more about her life as a child, her family, why she signed up for WWII, why she came to Canada, and anything else she could share with me. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago we began working on a detailed family tree together and I learned even more about her family. She was filled with stories and always ready to share them with anyone who would listen. She could remember years and dates and stories she had been told dating back to before she was ever born! Her head was filled with tales and history and I am happy that she shared them with me; I only wish there had been time for more.

My grandmother was also a writer. She would write me children’s stories when I was younger that were better than any book you could buy. I still have some of them tucked away. She loved to draw, sew and do crafts as well. She loved to cook, bake and experiment in the kitchen. And she had many, many, friends surrounding her. Half the time you called you would get a busy signal! I have learned more about her in the last couple of years than I ever have before... and, in turn, I have learned more about myself.

There are countless stories I could tell you about her, but there is one in particular that she loved and shared the most. She has told me the story countless times, as recently as a month ago, so I will share it with you today on her behalf. Apparently, when I was younger, someone came up to me and said “Did you know that your grandmother looks like the Queen of England”? And I, being cut from the same cloth as my Nana, turned and replied “No she doesn’t! The Queen looks like MY Nana”! She laughed whenever she told that story... and I will miss hearing it in her own words.

In the end, everything happened so quickly. She was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and she asked me to come the next morning with a bag of things for her and said she was looking forward to seeing me. But the minute I saw her the next morning, I knew things had taken a turn for the worse. She asked relentlessly, through strained breaths, for a cup of tea and I knew then that that was all I could do for her anymore. When the nurses asked her if she was feeling alright she would say she was fine, but when they started the morphine she reached for my hand and held it tightly. We all knew what was coming.

In a strange way, I am glad that things happened the way that they did because she didn’t suffer for long. She had already been through so much in her life... she deserved to die peacefully, painlessly, and with dignity and that is exactly what she did. As my mother reminded me, her favourite song was “My Way” by Frank Sinatra... and that is exactly how she lived and died... her way, with a cup of tea.

We often say that people have a guardian angel watching over them. I don’t know if I did before, but I certainly will now. Since my grandfather passed in 1992 I have worn a poppy on Remembrance Day in his honour; to remember him as well as his service in WWI and II. This year I am saddened, but will also be proud to wear 2 poppies – one for each of my grandparents who are no longer with us.

Thank you all again for your endless support; it means the world to me. And, in the words of my Nana, “I will love and leave you now...”

Memorial Service for Nana Tonight

I thought I knew what tired was. I thought I knew what exhausted was. But I have now surpassed both of these to the point that I don’t even know how to describe what I am! I feel like a zombie. I can’t remember ever being this way before; at least not this bad. Insomnia (I guess you would call it that) is awful! I can’t focus or concentrate on anything the way I usually do. And forget about multi-tasking! You would think that being this tired your head would hit the pillow and you would fall asleep instantly… NOPE! I see every hour on the clock each night. I wanted to sleep so badly last night that I nearly broke into tears because I couldn’t. It is an awful feeling, it really is.

I have been this way, and getting worse, since the first 2am phone call Easter morning about my grandmother. My whole schedule was off last week with the hospital and cleaning out the residence and then this week, planning the memorial and going back to work has wiped me out. But, despite being exhausted, everything is done and ready! The chapel, eulogy, flowers, catering, handouts, and more! You name it, it’s done. Nothing came easy of course (what else is new) but it is a few hours away and I think it will be fine. It will be sad for sure, but necessary for closure. My grandmother didn’t care either way if we had a memorial or not, but I needed this. And, for those who cannot make it, I may post what I am planning to say at the memorial here on my blog. If I don’t, you can always ask me for it if you are interested in reading it.

I don’t usually show stress anymore, at least not the way I used to. But I feel it from head to toe. My body is aching (especially my bad shoulder again), my eating habits are all over the place (McDonald’s, Scores, Tim Horton’s, in-law’s, and anywhere but home it seems LOL), my focus is way off and my sleep ranges from terrible to non-existent. After tonight, I hope that my stress levels go down and then I am looking forward to going home and getting some SLEEP!

Again, I want to thank you all for your condolences and offers to help me over the last couple of weeks. I know I haven’t taken many people up on their offers but I do appreciate them. Despite the insomnia, I am still very much a “hands-on” person so I couldn’t let things go! Another way that I take after my Nana I guess…

Pâques Palliatif

For those of you who are unaware, I lost my grandmother yesterday. She went into hospital on April 24 around 2am, and by mid afternoon on the 25th she was transferred to palliative care. She died on April 26th at 12:15am.

The last few weeks seem to have flown by; everything was so fast at the end that it was only afterwards that I, or anyone else, could truly comprehend what had happened. But, in a strange way, I am glad that things happened the way that they did because she didn’t suffer. My grandmother had already been through so much in her life... she deserved to die peacefully, painlessly, and with dignity and that is exactly what she did. At 92 years old, pneumonia was the first thing that she was unable to conquer.

We may be having a memorial service for her in the upcoming weeks but nothing has been finalized yet. The burial will be private, as she had requested.

As always, thank you all for your support!

Sister-in-Law's and Baby Showers

Just for fun, I googled "sister-in-law" last night... and you wouldn't believe the amount of negative links that pop up! "Affair with sister-in-law", "My sister-in-law is evil", "So and so's enemy", and "Sister-in-law from Hell" to name a few... wow! I am happy to say that I do not have any of these problems with MY sister-in-law, although I know that not everyone is so lucky.

Because I love MY sister-in-law, I threw her a semi-surprise baby shower on April 17th and I am happy to say that everything went well! Better than expected, actually, and I am pretty sure she had fun too! Yay! Lots of presents, balloons, homemade cupcakes, and the restaurant (which I originally had my reservations about) turned out to be very helpful in the end!

Now the real countdown begins; about a month, and I am really excited - for them and for me! I have never been an aunt before! And, now that the big day is coming up, I can finally let you all know that I am expecting a niece! I couldn't be happier right now... well, despite our own "issues"... but for the next couple of months it is all about my niece! I cannot wait to meet her...

Buy Me Love

“I'll give you all I got to give if you say you love me too

I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you

I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love”

"Can’t Buy Me Love" – The Beatles

Song stuck in your head yet? HAH! You will understand the quote shortly… and then you will think I am nuts, but whatever!

Years ago, about 1997 just after getting my driver’s license, I cashed in my savings bonds and bought myself a used Hyundai Excel ’88 (hatchback) from a friend of mine’s father. He had a body shop and fixed it up perfectly. Sadly, 10 days later a van smashed into me and tore part of my car off and bent the frame, but we brought it back to the body shop and they were able to fix it up for me. I had this car for about 3 years. We had our moments, our differences, and it was quite finicky at times… but I loved that car. When I moved out on my own, I left the car behind and it has since been sold.

Now, flash forward nearly 10 years.

Two weeks ago I posted on Facebook that it must be spring again because I was car hunting all over again. This seems to be a yearly tradition for me and one I usually fail miserably at! Within minutes she sent me a message saying she had her dad’s car for sale if I was interested. Sadly, he had passed away a few weeks earlier (I knew this before and had gone to the funeral) and she was left with a house and car to sell… a Hyundai Sonata ’02! Strange coincidence being another Hyundai! I went and took a look at it, and even though it was more than I wanted to pay it was in great shape for its age and I trust her dad kept it running well so I bought it!

So, after 10 years of not owning a car I have now had my very own car for about 48 hours and although I do not plan to use it much, I am happy I bought it. So, what’s with the song? About 15 years ago or so someone I am close to had made up a phrase to remember their license plate by and, thanks to her, I STILL remember that plate even though she hasn’t had that car in years! I even remember other plates from friends’ cars now because of this method (strange habit, I know). So… after going through a variety of “names” for my car I finally settled on “Buy Me Love”, which doubles as a way for me to remember half of my license plate as well! And yes, before you comment, I know that it is impossible to truly BUY someone’s love which is why the song title has the word “can’t” in it…. but my car doesn’t have a “C” in the plate!!!

Round 3 (IVM): Summary

As some of you already know, I did another cycle in March using the embryos I had frozen back in December. Of the 2 embryos transferred on March 16^th one of them was as perfect as can be in IVM! However, I did not let myself get my hopes up because I saw firsthand what that can do back in January when I was devastated. 

I remained pretty neutral throughout, even went back to work after a couple of days instead of a couple of weeks (yes, the doctor agreed to this) and I did not include very many people in this cycle either.  It was so much easier this way and I have learned that, in future, this is the way to go! In fact, I will probably include even fewer people. No offense to anyone, just my choice.

On March 28^th I did my final pregnancy test at home and saw that it was still coming up negative. At this point, I pretty much knew that my blood test would only confirm what I already knew… and that is just what it did.

I met with my doctor yesterday and will be moving into IVF. Like he said, we tried IVM and it didn’t work… but it was far more successful that IUI ever was so there is hope in that. Yes, I already have a schedule set up and have a pretty good idea of when things will be happening but, as I mentioned above, I will be keeping things to myself for now. Only a few people know at the moment and very few others will be informed. 

So… round 3…. bust again…. moving on….

Irony And Cancer

Today marks the 3 month anniversary that I have quit smoking entirely. Not only have I quit, but I now hate the smell and cannot stand to be around it as the slightest whiff makes me nauseous! Yay me!

So where is the irony? She will deny it if asked, and does not know that I know, but my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer over the weekend. She went into the hospital with a distended abdomen and a twist in her intestines and, when examining her, they found an unquestionable shadow (or mass) on her lungs. She refused treatment, which is probably wise at her age, and feels that the doctors do not know what they are talking about. However, because she refused to cooperate, there is also no way of knowing what stage the cancer is at. Considering she is a veteran of WWII and smoked a pack a day for most of her life until a few years ago I am not the least surprised about this, but it is upsetting. Honestly though, if it keeps her happy for the rest of her life to be in denial about it then who am I to complain?

So there it is… irony and cancer… and a 3 month anniversary…

Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

This questionnaire originally came from a French series called "Bouillon de Culture" which was hosted by Bernard Pivot. However, I am more familiar with it as the questions that James Lipton asks celebrities at the end of the program "Inside the Actor's Studio" which some of you may have already seen.

I find it very interesting what the simple answers to these questions can reveal about a person without being too personal. Not to mention, the changing answers I have had over the years. If you care to share, I would love to know your answers as well, but for now here are mine:

01. What is your favorite word? My favorite word is “love”, in any language.

02. What is your least favorite word? A tossup between “victim” and “can’t”.

03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? A real passion, good or bad, about someone or something can turn things up a notch, two… or ten!

04. What turns you off? Turn offs… being nagged, talked down to, being treated as a child.

05. What is your favorite curse word? “Fuckerhead” and, yes, the dreaded “C” word!

06. What sound or noise do you love? I love the sound of laughter, especially from children.

07. What sound or noise do you hate? Any sounds similar to and including nails on chalkboard. And, I can’t explain this one, whistling!

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I’ve wanted to be a teacher for as long as I could remember and, in the past couple of years, event coordinator has interested me as well.

09. What profession would you not like to do? Any and all “dirty jobs”!

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? “You will be sharing a suite with Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, and Johnny Depp” assuming they are all there already when I get there (not that I wish death upon any of them)!

More Updates

DH is home from Germany so life is somewhat back to normal again. Mind you, sometimes I feel as though him being gone IS my normal (after previously living alone for 5+ years), but I miss him when he is gone so I guess not. Who knows! His schedule is still a little off so he’s been leaving early this week, so, no stepping on each other’s toes in the morning yet! Yay! When he is away I get into a routine and when he comes back he always finds a way to ruin it! LOL.

A few days ago I had the pleasure of experiencing our wonderful and efficient medical system as well! Can you sense the sarcasm yet? I had a scheduled appointment and was not seen until 4 hours later! While waiting, I developed a splitting headache and thought maybe it was because I was hungry, so I went to the cafeteria and got a turkey sandwich and an apple juice for 10$! It was good but not worth 10$! By the time I came back up from the cafeteria, someone else had curled up on one of the small sofas to take a nap so I took the other and did the same. To make matters even more aggravating, once my name was called my appointment itself only took about 5 minutes but then I had to wait another half hour for the doctor to review my file, give me more instructions to follow, and tell me to come back a few days later! I go back tomorrow; hopefully things will go a lot smoother! I can be extremely patient when I need to be, but that was ridiculous!

Nothing is new with work. I don’t necessarily have more to do than usual at this time of year (although a bit more I guess), I just NO drive to do any of it. If I put my mind and all my energy into it I could probably finish everything by the end of this week, but why? I am tired of overdoing things so I’m not this time. It’s tough for me NOT to do things, but I have to learn one of these days, right?

Oh, and the plans for my sister-in-law’s baby shower are well under way! And, other than keeping her happy, my new mission is to not let others hijack my plans away from me! It has been a tug-of-war this last week to do so but I WILL win! Maybe this is where all of my determination has gone? Oh, and just to torture her, if anyone ELSE out there is curious to know what the plans are just ask! I don’t mind sharing!

And… I thought there was something else to add? Oh, right… apparently my mother re-married on March 4^th. This is basically all I was told a couple of days after the wedding, and I was told in much fewer words than I am writing now. Communication in my “family” is not the greatest, can you tell? A number of people have asked how I feel about it and the simple answer is – I feel nothing. Sure, she re-married and he has 2 children slightly older than I am but does that mean I now have a stepfather, stepsister, and stepbrother?  No. I know his kids and have not spoken to either of them in years, nor do I care to. As for him, I barely know who he is. I am happy that he keeps my mother happy (because I sure as hell can’t), but other than that… congratulations is about the only thing I have to say about the situation.

Simple Update...

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
Marilyn Monroe

I saw the quote above today, and since I haven’t had much to say lately (don’t laugh) and I haven’t had any good quotes for awhile either I decided to kill two birds with one stone. 

So, this is just a quick post to as to let you all know I am alive and well, DH is in Germany again, things continue to be busy at work and otherwise, and that’s about it! Nothing overly exciting, huh? Well, at least you have a quote to think over and possibly be inspired from as well!

I Did It! I Quit! Yay Me!

Although I never smoked much, many of you know that I have had a long time battle with myself to quit over the years with many broken promises to myself and others. In my teens I experimented, but I was never a "smoker". Around 2002, after a couple of really bad years in my life, I started smoking socially and it just built up from there. Most smokers I know smoke a pack a day or more but even at my worst I only smoked a pack a week. But, a pack a week was a pack a week and I knew that it was time to change; no more excuses.

In the past, I have tried a "quit smoking program" through work, the gum, the lozenges, and I even went cold turkey a number of times... and I assure you that I have quit before! I have quit many, many, many times but only for a short while each. I think it's true that you can get addicted to quitting at times!

Last November, knowing that I would soon be starting IVM, I made a promise to myself that I would HAVE to quit, no questions asked. Initially, I simply stopped buying cigarettes and for a month or so I would just smoke socially with friends. But, I quickly realized that even that was not enough and I needed to do more. So, this time, rather than telling everyone and having them shake their head at me a month later if and when I failed, I decided not to tell a soul (other than some of smokers I would mooch from so that they would stop giving me cigarettes). This was something that I had to do on my own and for myself. I felt as though I needed to prove to myself that I could do it this time before I would be confident enough to tell everyone.

On December 21st (2010), after about a month of smoking only 1-2 cigarettes a week, I had my last cigarette! And, even then, I only smoked half because it just felt wrong. I have not had even one since, I am rarely around second hand smoke anymore, and I really don't miss it in the least! Even going away, I thought it would be torture because I am so used to smoking when we go south, but it wasn't. Ok, so, being sick helped with that tremendously but who cares! It worked! I went away and came back completely smoke free - aside from far too much second hand smoke but that was out of my control.

So, I am now happy to announce that I am officially 2 months smoke free! Cheers to me for many more!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.   Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older and, there on television, she said it was 'exciting...' 

Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day.....like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou also said this:

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back...'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn...'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

Cuba Trip - January 29 to February 5, 2011

The first question everyone seems to ask me is why Cuba and not my beloved Dominican Republic this year? Well, for one, DH wanted a change of pace so it was either Mexico or Cuba. Secondly, some family had just returned from this resort in Cuba so we knew exactly what we were getting and with no time to research it just made life easier. 

Now, maybe it’s just me but in some ways it seems like our trip to Cuba was cursed the minute I booked it! However, in the end, I have to say that everything was pretty good and should I ever go back to Cuba I will definitely stay at this resort again and I would recommend it to anyone of any age as well. It had something for everyone! 

The curse: About 4 days after booking the trip, I was looking into prices for someone else and found that had I waited just a little longer I could have saved 300$ each!!! I had only booked 8 days in advance so I didn’t think the price would have changed that much at that point. Then, 3 days before leaving I caught one of my dreaded sinus/ear/throat infections and had to get antibiotics the morning before we left because I was in so much pain! In addition, the day before that I took a chunk out of my ankle shaving and DH burnt his hand on the stove burner. Anything that could have gone wrong before the trip went wrong! Then, to make matters worse, our flight was delayed leaving for Cuba and I needed to take my antibiotics so I took them… without food. About an hour later, dinner was served on the plane and after just 1 bite I thought I was going to throw up. I managed to control it for a little while but then I had to race to the bathroom and there went a day’s worth of food and antibiotics! I don’t know if there is a mile high club for vomiting on an airplane, but if there is, I don’t suggest any of you join it!!! It was an awful experience. To make matters worse, after landing in Cuba we had to wait 2 hours for our luggage! We finally arrived at our resort around 3am! Very, very, long day….

Air Transat: I know that we have flown Air Transat before, but for some reason this trip was much more enjoyable. The seats were leather, large and comfy. I got to pre-select my seats so I took the window and DH got the aisle next to me so that was nice. The plane going was 2 seats, aisle, 4 seats, aisle, and then 2 more seats. On the way home the plane was 3 seats, aisle, 3 seats, aisle, 3 seats and we got lucky! We got a whole section to ourselves. We got to sleep in peace!

The hotel: Iberostar Laguna Azul - simply gorgeous. I have seen many pictures on-line and none of them really show just how grand this place looks. Just driving up the road to it I was in awe. It looks like a large villa in Spain. Clean, spacious, multiple pools, long and clean beach, chairs galore by the water, nice landscaping, you name it! If you want to see pictures just ask! I haven’t had a chance to post any yet.

The rooms: Large, clean, lots of hot water and good pressure, plenty of towels left by the maids, and even joining rooms if you want them! The only thing that I didn’t like was that our room, 16319, is on the same floor as the main lobby and elevators. This was very convenient, but also very LOUD at 2am when people are leaving the club and at 7am when people are checking out. The view was great though and the central location of the room was good, but I would rather be a floor up or down in future.

Food and drink: Drink – no complaints. Food – you won’t starve but you won’t be going back for seconds either, unless you are at the a la carte restaurants! The breakfast buffet had your standard omelet bar, pancake station, fruits, etc… but I found their bacon disgusting. It was mostly fatty and undercooked. Their lunch buffets remain pretty consistent but you have a couple to choose from. I found that lunch became more of a “snack” to tide me over until dinner. Dinner was odd. The buffet was not very good at all in my opinion; tough meat, not much selection, and often undercooked. But, the a la carte restaurants were so could I would have paid extra for them! We took our standard 3 reservations and after 2 nights of those I could not face the buffet again so we went to an a la carte and asked if they had room and they seated us with no problems. If I go back, I am hitting the restaurants every day! Now, for the restaurants… we ate at the steak house and had perfectly cooked and tender meat with a nice quiet atmosphere outdoors by one of the quiet pools. I hadn’t eaten much for 2 days at this point so it was heavenly. The following night we went to the Cuban restaurant for some lobster. Not the same lobster I am used to from home but still quite good. The next night we snuck into the Romantico and I had some really great lamb. Very good! And on the last night we tried the Japanese restaurant everyone had been talking about on tripadvisor – and I have to say that while the food was good, the show was awful. For anyone who has ever been to proper Japanese restaurants the show is really dreadful and laughable, but for those who have not been it’s a nice introduction I guess. 

The entertainment: The first 2 nights had singing and dancing shows and I have had just about my fill of those over the years so I was preparing for the worst… but then things just got better and better all week! My only complaint has nothing to do with the entertainment – it’s the guests. I understand that we are in Cuba, the land of cigars…. But in a mostly closed in venue with kids and bad air circulation, do NOT light a cigar! I was sick the week we were in Cuba and had to carry my asthma pump with me everywhere because of the inconsiderate smokers. I have to say that this is not something I have ever experienced before when travelling to DR so this took me by surprise. The other thing that bothers me about Cuba is that there really isn’t much to do at all off the resort. I had thought about the Catamaran but not for 100$+! 

What to buy and where to buy it: Alcohol, cigarettes, and cigars along with the regular souvenir stuff are pretty much equally priced on the resort as it is at the airport and anywhere else from what I saw/heard. The only thing we were unable to get at the resort was coffee oddly and we had to grab that in the airport itself. We did not bother going into Varadero for the day as there was really only shopping to do there and we weren’t interested. Oh, and interesting point… you can buy Prozac, Valium, and Viagra at the airport!

So, that’s it. I would definitely recommend it if you just want to relax, travel with family or a large group of friends… but as another “just the 2 of us” trip I would have to say DR still holds my heart! So much more to see and do and they know how to cook!

Creating My Monster – 1 Year Anniversary and Updates

One year ago today I started this blog about my journey TTC with PCOS. I had hoped to have better news to share by now but unfortunately things have not worked out as we had hoped for.

For those of you who do not already know, Round 2 (IVM) was not successful. I had a strong feeling that it hadn’t taken but went in for my blood test on Jan 15th to confirm. I met with my doctor on January 18th and now have a better understanding as to why it didn’t work. Basically, they believe it came down to embryo quality – not anything that I did wrong (I have to keep telling myself that).

There are 3 grades of usable embryos from what I understand: Grade 1 which has never been seen in the lab, Grade 2 which is the best quality to hope for through IVF/IVM, and Grade 3 which are acceptable but have a lesser chance of success. Any embryo that is lower than a grade 3 is considered unusable, and in my case they had to discard 2/6 that were of lower quality. In January they transferred two Grade 3 embryos in hopes that at least one of them would implant despite their lower quality, but neither did. However, the two embryos that I was able to freeze are Grade 2 quality and have a much higher success rate in thawing as well as transferring so we remain hopeful, at least for now!

No decision has been made as to how many embryos will be transferred the next time, but we already have a date set for Round 3 (IVM). Unfortunately, as the hospital is heavily overbooked we were not able to start again right away, but that gave us the chance to go to Cuba! It was a last minute decision with only a week of preparation and very little research (very abnormal for me) but it was needed! We just got back so I will post more about the trip later on! As for Round 3 (IVM), I have decided to keep things a little less public this time around because it made the failure of the last round really hard for us to handle. Too many people knew the exact time I would be finding out if if had worked or not and that meant a lot of phone calls to make at a time when we really didn't want to talk to anybody and share our bad news. This time, a few people will know but even then, I am not sure in how much detail. Once we get the news, good or bad, it will give us some time to process things for ourselves before sharing with others. And hopefully it will be good news this time around!!!

Now, I think this post needs a bit of uplifting news, don't you?

Well, last but certainly not least, I am thrilled to announce that I am going to be an aunt this May! I have known since late November and have told a few people, but I had decided a while ago to wait until this post to let everyone know regardless of our own news (or lack of)! I just hope that I get to give my niece or nephew a little cousin soon!

No Answers Yet, But... To Tell Or Not To Tell...

Once the embryo transfer was done, as far as I was concerned I was/am pregnant until proven otherwise. This was suggested to me to do by another friend in treatment and it is probably the best advice I have received in recent months and something I have tried to keep in practice as best I could. I still do not have any answers but I wanted to address the “do we tell or don’t tell” issues now, before I find out for sure so no one can say they were not warned ahead of time.

Everyone knows the “don't tell until you are at least 3 months pregnant” rule. It’s as though by telling you are tempting fate. It is completely understandable to wait, as many pregnancies do not make it through the first trimester and it can be scary to celebrate a new life not knowing what will happen in the weeks to come. I guess that the 3 month wait is sort of a safe-haven for some; a sign that they are out of danger and free to share their news with the world. For others it is simply the way things are done. We are creatures of habit, after all!

But, as much as it is understandable to wait, it is also just as reasonable for others to share their news right away. Some feel the need to celebrate parenthood openly from the beginning and they turn to family and friends for support and advice immediately. And, should something terminate the pregnancy, they have a large network to help them grieve and get through the process. However, there is also a down side to this in my opinion; too much advice, no control on who hears the news, when they hear, and how they hear. And, often times, scrutiny by others for telling so early!

So, what is the right thing to do? Well, the answer is simple... do whatever is right for YOU. Not because someone tells you to, not because society dictates that you must do this or that, but because it makes you happy. If it feels right to tell, then share the news. If you would rather wait, then wait. You are parents now; you get to make the decisions!

One thing that makes this decision a little more complicated for us is that this whole process has been very open from the start and it is pretty obvious when we will be finding out the answer we have been waiting for. Unlike a traditional pregnancy, everyone knows what we have been doing! Already, a large handful of people know the exact date and time that I will be finding out the answer. Do we keep up the suspense, and if so, how? Do we tell some people but not others and hope that the news does not spread like wildfire? Do we tell everyone we know? I do not have answers to these questions yet but they will come in time. Certain people will definitely be told from the start I am sure, but as for everyone else... we will see!

No matter what happens, it is a big decision to make and it is OUR decision to make. Whether you are one of the first or one of the last to find out, all I ask is for a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t for whatever we decide to do!

Round 2 (IVM): Step 5 - Assisted Hatching

I phoned the hospital today with some questions about the last 4 embryos I had in the lab and while I was at it I asked about the assisted hatching. It seems that it WAS done and I just missed it with everything going on around me. So, what is it?

Embryos are transferred once they reach the blastocyst stage of development. Normally, the blastocyst itself would perform the zona hatching in order to implant on the uterus but in many cases with IVF or IVM, the lab performs a technique called Assisted Hatching in order to increase the chances of pregnancy.

The easiest way I have found to describe this is with a chicken egg. Basically, the yolk inside is what needs to attach to the uterus. In order to do that, it must first break through the shell. Research has shown that, for a variety of reasons, the "shell" of the embryo can sometimes become too tough for this to occur so a small hole is made by the lab making it easier for the yolk to spill out once transferred.

I cannot find any clear statistics but it seems as though the opinion on assisted hatching varies. Some research says it has no effect while others show significant increases in success rates so who knows! As long as it works for me I am happy!

And, as for my remaining embryos... 2 did not make it and the other 2 have been frozen for future use.

Round 2 (IVM): Step 5 (Transfer) Complete!

As many of you already know, yesterday I completed step 5 of the process – embryo transfer. Assisted hatching was not used in the end as far as I could tell so I won’t bother going into details about that as I had planned. It was cool, though, to see my embryos right in front of me under a microscope! That’s definitely not something you see in a regular pregnancy!

As usual, some complications were involved (it wouldn’t be me if there weren’t any) but overall things went well and I even had a couple of little surprises along the way too (which will remain secret for now). I am off work for a couple of weeks taking it easy until my blood test as well as eating a “preggo” diet (no more rare meat or sushi), and taking my remaining medications to help things along.

Final tally on my “soccer team in a petri dish” as some of you have heard me talk about:

11 eggs were collected, out of which 7 matured and were fertilized. 1 egg did not make it through fertilization so I then had 6 embryos to work with (my soccer team). Of these 6, 4 are still splitting in the lab and cannot be frozen yet (I hope they all make it). The remaining 2 have been used as of yesterday; either transferred or frozen for later.

And now we wait and see what happens!

Round 2 (IVM): Step 4 Updates!

Firstly, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year! 2010 is over... bad luck has come to an end... and 2011 is the time for new beginnings! Ironically, on December 30th 11 eggs were collected from me. I am not into numbers, but 11 eggs going into 2011? Kinda cool, no?

Anyhow, so here is the update:

Dec 30 – 11 eggs collected but only 1 was mature. I was disappointed in this but 1 is all we needed!

Dec 31 – In the morning, no changes. The 1 mature egg was fertilized but the others were not doing much. However, in the afternoon 2 more eggs matured and were fertilized bringing us to 3 healthy embryos.

Jan 1 – Over night, 4 more eggs matured! This morning they will be fertilized bringing us to 7 embryos if all goes well.

No word yet on when the transfer will be but my wish was to transfer in 2011 and have at least 2-3 to freeze so it looks like things are going mostly as planned for once!!! For once, I have happy tears. I think  the biggest joy I have had thus far was telling my grandmother the good news. She couldn't have been happier for us and I like making her smile.

Thank you everyone for your support!!!