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Friday, May 6, 2011

Memorial Service for Nana Tonight

I thought I knew what tired was. I thought I knew what exhausted was. But I have now surpassed both of these to the point that I don’t even know how to describe what I am! I feel like a zombie. I can’t remember ever being this way before; at least not this bad. Insomnia (I guess you would call it that) is awful! I can’t focus or concentrate on anything the way I usually do. And forget about multi-tasking! You would think that being this tired your head would hit the pillow and you would fall asleep instantly… NOPE! I see every hour on the clock each night. I wanted to sleep so badly last night that I nearly broke into tears because I couldn’t. It is an awful feeling, it really is.

I have been this way, and getting worse, since the first 2am phone call Easter morning about my grandmother. My whole schedule was off last week with the hospital and cleaning out the residence and then this week, planning the memorial and going back to work has wiped me out. But, despite being exhausted, everything is done and ready! The chapel, eulogy, flowers, catering, handouts, and more! You name it, it’s done. Nothing came easy of course (what else is new) but it is a few hours away and I think it will be fine. It will be sad for sure, but necessary for closure. My grandmother didn’t care either way if we had a memorial or not, but I needed this. And, for those who cannot make it, I may post what I am planning to say at the memorial here on my blog. If I don’t, you can always ask me for it if you are interested in reading it.

I don’t usually show stress anymore, at least not the way I used to. But I feel it from head to toe. My body is aching (especially my bad shoulder again), my eating habits are all over the place (McDonald’s, Scores, Tim Horton’s, in-law’s, and anywhere but home it seems LOL), my focus is way off and my sleep ranges from terrible to non-existent. After tonight, I hope that my stress levels go down and then I am looking forward to going home and getting some SLEEP!

Again, I want to thank you all for your condolences and offers to help me over the last couple of weeks. I know I haven’t taken many people up on their offers but I do appreciate them. Despite the insomnia, I am still very much a “hands-on” person so I couldn’t let things go! Another way that I take after my Nana I guess…