I had my first therapy session to help guide me through this PPD/PPA situation and it went really well. I liked the therapist right from the start so that is always a good sign! The only down side is that she looks exactly like the actress Billie Piper and there was a geeky Comiccon girl inside of me wanting to squeal and ask for her autograph the whole time… but hopefully this will pass!
We talked a lot about control; not about what I cannot control, but rather what I can. For example, some things that I can control are my breathing when I feel anxious, my personal goals for the day (and not more than that right now), my expectations of myself and my inner thought process. She is giving me tips and tricks on all of this and more, I just need to implement them and see what works best for me.
We also talked about guilt as I have a tremendous amount of it right now!
Daycare is one area of guilt. So, instead of feeling guilty about sending the LO to daycare in order to take care of my needs, which feels selfish, I am trying to focus on the benefits of her being there in a pro/con fashion. For example, one pro is that many kids have a hard time adjusting to daycare after being home with mom for a straight year, but by sending her now one day a week when she is too young to really understand it all she should find the transition smooth as she will gradually be acclimated to it as the months go by. On the con side, the daycare she is in currently is not the one she is registered to in November when I go back to work. While changing her is an option, we have not made this decision yet as she has only been with them one day so far, which went really well for her (I was a mess). She was supposed to go back this week but I just couldn’t bring myself to send her so we will try again next week.
There are other areas of guilt but I really don’t feel comfortable talking about them until I work my way through a bit. There is a lot of shame and other feelings buried in the mess as well. I have talked about them with DH and close friends when possible, but I am still very confused about everything. I have seen my GP as well and he has referred me to a psychiatrist. It’s a bit of a wait for the appointment, but hopefully she will shed more light on the situation. I hope so anyway!
Suggested Reading:
The 100 Days Of Darkness With A New Baby
