Have you ever had a friend who was so close that you considered them more like family? Well, for various reasons I am fortunate to have a small handful of those friends… but one in particular stands out.
We have known each other for over 20 years and I hope that it is only the beginning of our friendship. We have been separated by schools, groups of friends, life choices, and now provinces… but I think we both know now that nothing can tear us apart.
Of all my friends, no one is ever closer to my heart than this one… and I am happy to say that tomorrow I get to leave Quebec (and all of its St-Jean-Baptiste celebrations) to spend some time with my BFF in her home away from home, Toronto. So, without naming names (because you know who you are)... I love you and we will see you tomorrow!!!
And, on that note… see the rest of you in a week or so!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Another Brick in the Wall
Last Friday I had another “déjà vu” moment… and it wasn’t pretty.
About this time last summer I told the doctors that I was ready to start Clomid or whatever treatment they thought was necessary for me to get pregnant. My fertility doctor agreed that I could move on to the next step, but the endocrinologist (that I also have to see) refused. He said that my Glucose Tolerance Test (OGTT) had come back slightly elevated and that I was now diabetic (Type 2). I was scheduled to do the 3 hour OGTT, met with a nurse, a dietician, etc… and, after all of this was done they told me that I was NOT diabetic; borderline, but not there (yet). I had to wait a few more months just to be sure but that is when we started treatment.
Fast forward a year or so and here we are again!
About 2 weeks ago when we realized the injections were not working I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to get the order for IVM. In the meantime, I hadn’t been feeling well and I mentioned this to the on-call doctor so he suggested I repeat my OGTT just to be sure. I did this test along with the thyroid test a week before my appointment and really was not worried about it at all. Friday morning I was so happy. All the way to the hospital I was wide awake, smiling, and feeling great… and about an hour later, my world came crashing down.
My thyroid function is fine, as it has been for almost 2 years now. My OGTT results on the other hand, elevated again! Not once in a year have I ever had an elevated result from self testing but I do this test and everything changes. I have even gone a whole week without taking my medication (while on vacation because I forgot my pills) and even then everything was under control! I don’t get it… I really don’t! You have no idea how much I regret saying ANYTHING about not feeling well. In retrospect, I am pretty sure it was the heat that caused me to feel sick in the first place...
So, now I have to go back to the diabetic clinic and redo all of those steps before they will even give me the order for IVM. Until I am cleared by the diabetic clinic along with the endocrinologist (who I really cannot stand by the way – even before all of this) I cannot proceed. And, while they can’t stop me from getting pregnant on my own that’s never going to happen so once again I have hit a brick wall.
I am devastated. I spent the whole day crying on Friday, calling or e-mailing people for support (thank you again to all of you who were there for me when I needed you most). To make matters worse, even though I asked him to, DH didn’t come home until after I had gone to bed so I was alone all night - crying. Saturday morning I was a bit of a mess and I was upset with DH so I was in a rotten mood. Yes, he has now apologized but that doesn’t make up for what he did! Saturday afternoon we went to see Cirque de Soleil with my brother and sister in law followed by dinner so that kept my mind off things and on Sunday we were busy with Father’s Day (not to mention exhausted) so the weekend wasn't so bad. But now, Monday, I am right back to where I was on Friday. I have been awake for less than 3 hours and have spent about an hour crying in total already.
This is going to be a long day...
About this time last summer I told the doctors that I was ready to start Clomid or whatever treatment they thought was necessary for me to get pregnant. My fertility doctor agreed that I could move on to the next step, but the endocrinologist (that I also have to see) refused. He said that my Glucose Tolerance Test (OGTT) had come back slightly elevated and that I was now diabetic (Type 2). I was scheduled to do the 3 hour OGTT, met with a nurse, a dietician, etc… and, after all of this was done they told me that I was NOT diabetic; borderline, but not there (yet). I had to wait a few more months just to be sure but that is when we started treatment.
Fast forward a year or so and here we are again!
About 2 weeks ago when we realized the injections were not working I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to get the order for IVM. In the meantime, I hadn’t been feeling well and I mentioned this to the on-call doctor so he suggested I repeat my OGTT just to be sure. I did this test along with the thyroid test a week before my appointment and really was not worried about it at all. Friday morning I was so happy. All the way to the hospital I was wide awake, smiling, and feeling great… and about an hour later, my world came crashing down.
My thyroid function is fine, as it has been for almost 2 years now. My OGTT results on the other hand, elevated again! Not once in a year have I ever had an elevated result from self testing but I do this test and everything changes. I have even gone a whole week without taking my medication (while on vacation because I forgot my pills) and even then everything was under control! I don’t get it… I really don’t! You have no idea how much I regret saying ANYTHING about not feeling well. In retrospect, I am pretty sure it was the heat that caused me to feel sick in the first place...
So, now I have to go back to the diabetic clinic and redo all of those steps before they will even give me the order for IVM. Until I am cleared by the diabetic clinic along with the endocrinologist (who I really cannot stand by the way – even before all of this) I cannot proceed. And, while they can’t stop me from getting pregnant on my own that’s never going to happen so once again I have hit a brick wall.
I am devastated. I spent the whole day crying on Friday, calling or e-mailing people for support (thank you again to all of you who were there for me when I needed you most). To make matters worse, even though I asked him to, DH didn’t come home until after I had gone to bed so I was alone all night - crying. Saturday morning I was a bit of a mess and I was upset with DH so I was in a rotten mood. Yes, he has now apologized but that doesn’t make up for what he did! Saturday afternoon we went to see Cirque de Soleil with my brother and sister in law followed by dinner so that kept my mind off things and on Sunday we were busy with Father’s Day (not to mention exhausted) so the weekend wasn't so bad. But now, Monday, I am right back to where I was on Friday. I have been awake for less than 3 hours and have spent about an hour crying in total already.
This is going to be a long day...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Yin and Yang
In all yin there is yang and in all yang there is yin. Each exists in the other and each needs the other to exist; man and woman, day and night, good and evil, positive and negative…
Earlier this week I was speaking to one of my (very pregnant) neighbors and she got me thinking…
Everywhere you go you hear success stories about both natural and assisted pregnancies. In the waiting rooms at the fertility clinics there are always newspaper articles, thank-you cards, pictures and even babies surrounding you – which can be quite hard to handle at times when your results were not what you were expecting. Even in fertility counseling, the majority of the time you hear all about the success of treatment and they focus the majority of their attention on the POSITIVE. You hear so many encouraging stories and advice from friends, family, counselors, and even the doctors that you start to believe that no matter what happens you WILL get pregnant.
But there is a NEGATIVE side to all of this that few people talk about. Side effects, failed procedures, damage to your body, depression, loss, anger, emotional and physical stress… the list goes on and on... but nobody tells you these things. Nobody tells you “there is a 50/50 chance that this might not work so you need to be prepared for the worst” when it is a very possible outcome.
Either naturally or assisted, I know some people who were successful on their very first try, others on their 5th or 6th attempt, and others who have tried countless times who are still unsuccessful. Having all of these women to refer to and talk to and seek advice from makes me stronger. It keeps me informed and it keeps my head out of the clouds, away from high (and possibly false) hopes.
Don’t get me wrong! I am staying positive, I do not admit defeat and won’t for a very long time… but I know that it IS a possibility and I accept that.
Maybe it’s just me, but I want to hear both sides. I don’t want to hear all of the positives day after day, month after month, and year after year only to be (possibly) completely deflated and let down at the end, crying out “why didn’t anyone prepare me for this”? To me, knowing both the positive and the negative is what gives me the will to go through with everything as well as the cushion to fall back on when and if needed. Being informed is what makes me strong and gives me the energy to deal with all of this.
I acknowledge and accept the reality that there are no guarantees where fertility and conception are concerned! I am not trying to be depressing... just realistic.
Earlier this week I was speaking to one of my (very pregnant) neighbors and she got me thinking…
Everywhere you go you hear success stories about both natural and assisted pregnancies. In the waiting rooms at the fertility clinics there are always newspaper articles, thank-you cards, pictures and even babies surrounding you – which can be quite hard to handle at times when your results were not what you were expecting. Even in fertility counseling, the majority of the time you hear all about the success of treatment and they focus the majority of their attention on the POSITIVE. You hear so many encouraging stories and advice from friends, family, counselors, and even the doctors that you start to believe that no matter what happens you WILL get pregnant.
But there is a NEGATIVE side to all of this that few people talk about. Side effects, failed procedures, damage to your body, depression, loss, anger, emotional and physical stress… the list goes on and on... but nobody tells you these things. Nobody tells you “there is a 50/50 chance that this might not work so you need to be prepared for the worst” when it is a very possible outcome.
Either naturally or assisted, I know some people who were successful on their very first try, others on their 5th or 6th attempt, and others who have tried countless times who are still unsuccessful. Having all of these women to refer to and talk to and seek advice from makes me stronger. It keeps me informed and it keeps my head out of the clouds, away from high (and possibly false) hopes.
Don’t get me wrong! I am staying positive, I do not admit defeat and won’t for a very long time… but I know that it IS a possibility and I accept that.
Maybe it’s just me, but I want to hear both sides. I don’t want to hear all of the positives day after day, month after month, and year after year only to be (possibly) completely deflated and let down at the end, crying out “why didn’t anyone prepare me for this”? To me, knowing both the positive and the negative is what gives me the will to go through with everything as well as the cushion to fall back on when and if needed. Being informed is what makes me strong and gives me the energy to deal with all of this.
I acknowledge and accept the reality that there are no guarantees where fertility and conception are concerned! I am not trying to be depressing... just realistic.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Shelfari!
This morning I got the idea to add a "Currently Reading" section to this blog and I assumed there would already be a "widget" here that I liked... wrong! So, for the last few hours I have tired various sites and programs to find something that I like and... tada! Shelfari! It is exactly what I envisioned in my head and provides an easy to load "widget" too!
So, for those of you who are interested, click on the Shelfari bookshelf on the right. My library is by no means complete and will take me a while to finish if I add everything! These are mainly the books I have read in the last year and some others that I love. It also has a section for what I plan to read so I listed everything that is currently on the shelf.
Yes I know... I'm a nerd... but I'm so happy :)
So, for those of you who are interested, click on the Shelfari bookshelf on the right. My library is by no means complete and will take me a while to finish if I add everything! These are mainly the books I have read in the last year and some others that I love. It also has a section for what I plan to read so I listed everything that is currently on the shelf.
Yes I know... I'm a nerd... but I'm so happy :)
Monday, June 7, 2010
Round 3: Over… on to Round 4 (soon)!
I did NOTHING this weekend and I feel so much better now! No work in the yard, barely any cooking, no housework (aside from laundry) and no running around all over the place on errands. It helps that it was raining but I should definitely do this more often! We also figured out most of our vacation plans for later this month so that’s another worry gone!
On Friday I went for what became my last ultrasound for Round 3. And again, there were no changes. My doctor was not there so another one (that I like) was doing reviews and I bombarded him with questions. Here is a summary:
IUI Questions:
1) If we stop treatment now and start again later at a higher dose from the beginning, what are the chances of a better response to the injections and what dose would be given to start with?
I would begin at a dose of 225 IU (or possibly higher). As for a chance of response; it will happen at some point but there is no way to tell when.
2) Question: What % chance is there that IUI will work?
Approximately 18% at best but considering the circumstances, probably lower.
IVF Questions:
1) Question: Is it true that the free IVF program might begin in August? When will we know who is eligible and what the criteria are?
Probably June/July as initially planned and I do qualify as I have “failed” all prior treatments. The government will pay for 3 cycles of treatment for 10,000 women annually.
2) Question: Will the medication that is needed for IVF be covered as well? Also, if the medication fails again can I change to IVM?
Yes, medication is covered. Yes, I can change to IVM if necessary.
3) Question: What % chance is there that IVF will work?
About 65%, however the government will be restricting the number of embryos put back into the uterus. They may only allow 1 per cycle.
IVM Questions:
1) Will the government also be covering IVM?
Yes, 100%. Also, because IVM is cheaper, it is rumored that they may cover more cycles than with IVF.
2) Question: Is there any reason why waiting 2-3 months to do this would be an issue in terms of success, health, etc… vs. starting now?
No. Ovarian stimulation is not necessary for IVM so losing what I have now makes no difference. In my case, they MAY stimulate a bit (3-5 days) but the injections would then be covered so it is not a concern financially. (Clomid cannot be used for IVM due to its effects on the uterine lining).
3) What % chance is there that IVM will work?
Currently there is about a 50% success rate with IVM. Also, they may not be limited to only 1 embryo per cycle so each embryo would have a 50% chance and they would still put 2-3 back based on my age etc…
Now, because I have PCOS I am highly at risk for Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) if I use injections, especially once we find the dose that works for me. I could go from nothing to too many overnight almost. So, IVM is definitely a better way to go for me and this is what we will be doing!
Apparently, the government list will be rolling in everyone who is already on hospital waiting lists and then they will take over from there. So, I see my doctor on June 18th to get the order made, then I take an afternoon course about IVM (all in-vitro procedures require this apparently - although, I could probably teach the course by now), and then I wait. The hope is to do IVM in August but this will depend on when plans are in place, how the lists will work, etc… etc…
Hopefully the government plans are available soon!!!
On Friday I went for what became my last ultrasound for Round 3. And again, there were no changes. My doctor was not there so another one (that I like) was doing reviews and I bombarded him with questions. Here is a summary:
IUI Questions:
1) If we stop treatment now and start again later at a higher dose from the beginning, what are the chances of a better response to the injections and what dose would be given to start with?
I would begin at a dose of 225 IU (or possibly higher). As for a chance of response; it will happen at some point but there is no way to tell when.
2) Question: What % chance is there that IUI will work?
Approximately 18% at best but considering the circumstances, probably lower.
IVF Questions:
1) Question: Is it true that the free IVF program might begin in August? When will we know who is eligible and what the criteria are?
Probably June/July as initially planned and I do qualify as I have “failed” all prior treatments. The government will pay for 3 cycles of treatment for 10,000 women annually.
2) Question: Will the medication that is needed for IVF be covered as well? Also, if the medication fails again can I change to IVM?
Yes, medication is covered. Yes, I can change to IVM if necessary.
3) Question: What % chance is there that IVF will work?
About 65%, however the government will be restricting the number of embryos put back into the uterus. They may only allow 1 per cycle.
IVM Questions:
1) Will the government also be covering IVM?
Yes, 100%. Also, because IVM is cheaper, it is rumored that they may cover more cycles than with IVF.
2) Question: Is there any reason why waiting 2-3 months to do this would be an issue in terms of success, health, etc… vs. starting now?
No. Ovarian stimulation is not necessary for IVM so losing what I have now makes no difference. In my case, they MAY stimulate a bit (3-5 days) but the injections would then be covered so it is not a concern financially. (Clomid cannot be used for IVM due to its effects on the uterine lining).
3) What % chance is there that IVM will work?
Currently there is about a 50% success rate with IVM. Also, they may not be limited to only 1 embryo per cycle so each embryo would have a 50% chance and they would still put 2-3 back based on my age etc…
Now, because I have PCOS I am highly at risk for Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) if I use injections, especially once we find the dose that works for me. I could go from nothing to too many overnight almost. So, IVM is definitely a better way to go for me and this is what we will be doing!
Apparently, the government list will be rolling in everyone who is already on hospital waiting lists and then they will take over from there. So, I see my doctor on June 18th to get the order made, then I take an afternoon course about IVM (all in-vitro procedures require this apparently - although, I could probably teach the course by now), and then I wait. The hope is to do IVM in August but this will depend on when plans are in place, how the lists will work, etc… etc…
Hopefully the government plans are available soon!!!
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