As I recently wrote, we have spent the better part of the last year focusing on improving our relationship. And, in order to do this we had to start with the foundation… communication. Looking back, I don’t know how we ever got anywhere communicating the way we did and the change that has come from this last year has been extremely good! In addition, the seemingly unspoken agreement to cleanse our personal bubble of outside negativity and drama has also proven invaluable.
But sometimes, certain situations are unexpected and often unavoidable. And now, when I am witness to others doing exactly what we used to do to each other, the feeling inside me is just unbearable. As unnecessary words and emotions pour out, the air changes and becomes toxic and overwhelming. I feel like an innocent bystander, in someone else’s fight. A silent observer, off to the side; not directly in the line of fire, yet I can feel my own blood pressure rising from the conflict. In that moment, part of me wants to help and part of me just wants to run and hide… but my feet don’t allow me to move. I can’t help but feel trapped, like a deer caught in the headlights. It is an absolutely horrible and uncomfortable feeling; almost suffocating.
But I realize that no matter how badly I want to jump in and save someone from themselves, stop them from drowning, take their hand and show them their mistakes… I can’t. I have tried, many times before, and I have failed because “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge” (as Dr. Phil says time and time again).
But, I CAN change myself and MY behavior… and I will.
I do not consider myself to be better than anybody else, but I do strive to be better than the person I was yesterday. I can see where I went wrong this time and I know what I need to do for myself in the future. I alone let myself get caught up in this when I could have walked away. I stayed because I thought leaving would be awkward, but why should I worry about everyone else when this clearly made me feel so uncomfortable? I shouldn’t have. This situation has taught me a lot, and I will learn from my mistakes.
Hopefully the next time won't be so rough.
