It’s The Marriage, Not The Wedding, That Counts!

“A wedding is a party, not a performance.
If at the end of the day you are married to the one you love,
then everything went perfectly.”

I have seen it myself many times in the last few years - the perfect fairy tale wedding with all the bells and whistles; the diamonds, the designer princess gown, the horse and carriage (not exaggerating), the antique cars, the elegantly tiered wedding cake and a reception you could only dream of… and then, the dreaded d-word… divorce.

It is truly amazing to me how some people can put so much thought and detail, not to mention money, into one day of their lives and then simply neglect the time and effort needed for the days that lie ahead. A fairy tale wedding does not a marriage make! No amount of money spent on your wedding day can solidify the future your marriage. A marriage is based on love, trust, understanding, commitment, communication, common values, respect… I can go on and on here, but do you see the similarity of all these things? No amount of money can buy them!

I admit that growing up I wanted the fairy tale wedding, and then I started attending these weddings and I realized they were not what I wanted at all! They really aren’t ME. So, after travelling to the Caribbean a number of times I quickly fell in love with the idea of a destination wedding, accompanied by a small group of close friends and family. But, I wouldn’t want to put that kind of burden (financially) on others and I certainly couldn’t pay for everyone myself so that’s out. And then I started looking into eloping with a Vegas wedding, I found the perfect little chapel and everything, but that is just too cheesy and I think my in-laws would kill me for not inviting them!

So, what are we left with? Something that has really grown on me after seeing two couples I know go this route in the past year or so… a notary. Yes, that’s right. I honestly like the idea of just signing the papers and carrying on with our lives. After all, a “wedding” is just a party at the end of the day and I can throw a party any time I want to, but a marriage is so much more than that. After all these years together, DH is my husband no matter what. I really don’t need a fancy ring or a legal document to tell me this (although I wouldn’t mind a new ring), but for a variety of reasons it would be good to have something official. And, more importantly, I like that this is something we can do just for one another and keep it simple. No one ever even has to know; just us, the notary, and the government! It has been discussed recently and while it won’t be happening tomorrow, it may very well come in the future and I couldn’t be happier… we shall see!

Sisters-By-Heart

"I’m very close to my sisters, and the friendship and support of other women has always enriched my life. I also realize that there are friends or other relatives that may not be blood sisters, but share this same type of closeness.”

Willow Tree - Susan Lordi 

As I have written before (see 'Ohana), there’s an old saying that goes: “You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family” and I continue to disagree.

True, those who are my blood relations are my “family” on paper, even though I can count on one hand how many of them are in my life today. And, true, you cannot choose your extended family/in-laws, but did I not choose my spouse? Is DH not legally my “family”, even though we are not related by blood? In fact, if we were related I would seriously question my logic, and we would be going against the law slightly, no?

Anyhow, there are many people in my life both past and present that share no blood of mine who I unquestionably consider to be my “family”. I can draw you a whole family tree pointing to mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers with these people alone and I promise you there are more of them actively present in my life than there are my own biological family members!

And this brings me to one person in particular…

A sister isn't always your blood relation. Sometimes it's that close friend who understands you, loves you and has always got your back no matter what. While family members have come and gone, drifted apart from one another, or left us in this world without them, I feel like our bond has only grown stronger and closer over time. We are not biologically related at all, nor are we legally bound to each other in any way; we are closer than any of that. Maybe we chose each other, or maybe we were meant to find each other, but whatever the reason we are definitely “sisters-by-heart” and always will be.

Some have questioned me over the years when I have referred to you, my BFF, as my sister - but I dare anyone to challenge me and tell me otherwise! You have always supported me and stood by me, even when those who should have been there walked away. You have always been true to me, even when we’ve had our differences. You have always accepted me just how I am, and you have never judged me. We understand each other in ways that others can’t, and we can often speak to one another without saying a word. A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost, and you mean the world to me. You are the comfort and stability that I dreamt of my whole life and no matter where we are, or how far apart, you are always HOME to me.

In less than a month, you will be giving me the greatest gift you have ever given me – my first nephew – and I cannot wait to meet the little man! With every picture you post and story you have shared, I feel like I have taken this journey with you every step of the way and I cannot express in words how this has made me feel. We were only kids when we first met and I never could have imagined this moment then, but it is all I think about right now. Counting down the days with you and anxiously awaiting a note saying you are on your way to the hospital…

I love you with all my heart, and you can stop crying now! xox

Learning From Mistakes Made

As I recently wrote, we have spent the better part of the last year focusing on improving our relationship. And, in order to do this we had to start with the foundation… communication. Looking back, I don’t know how we ever got anywhere communicating the way we did and the change that has come from this last year has been extremely good! In addition, the seemingly unspoken agreement to cleanse our personal bubble of outside negativity and drama has also proven invaluable.

But sometimes, certain situations are unexpected and often unavoidable. And now, when I am witness to others doing exactly what we used to do to each other, the feeling inside me is just unbearable. As unnecessary words and emotions pour out, the air changes and becomes toxic and overwhelming. I feel like an innocent bystander, in someone else’s fight. A silent observer, off to the side; not directly in the line of fire, yet I can feel my own blood pressure rising from the conflict. In that moment, part of me wants to help and part of me just wants to run and hide… but my feet don’t allow me to move. I can’t help but feel trapped, like a deer caught in the headlights. It is an absolutely horrible and uncomfortable feeling; almost suffocating.

But I realize that no matter how badly I want to jump in and save someone from themselves, stop them from drowning, take their hand and show them their mistakes… I can’t. I have tried, many times before, and I have failed because “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge” (as Dr. Phil says time and time again).

But, I CAN change myself and MY behavior… and I will.

I do not consider myself to be better than anybody else, but I do strive to be better than the person I was yesterday. I can see where I went wrong this time and I know what I need to do for myself in the future. I alone let myself get caught up in this when I could have walked away. I stayed because I thought leaving would be awkward, but why should I worry about everyone else when this clearly made me feel so uncomfortable? I shouldn’t have. This situation has taught me a lot, and I will learn from my mistakes.

Hopefully the next time won't be so rough.

The Royal Baby Is On The Way!

No, this is not actually a post about Will and Kate’s Royal Baby! But’s it’s true… the baby is on his/her way as I type this. Honestly, poor Kate. Can you even begin to imagine having the whole world know that you just went into labor and everyone is waiting with baited breath to know if it is a boy or a girl, the name that you chose, and so on? It’s too much pressure if you ask me. And then the criticism will follow. Already the whole world is talking about what they should name the baby because that will show how they wish to lead the country in the future and bla, bla, bla… what if they simply want to call the baby Michael or something a little more unique like Delilah? Certainly those are both better names than the “Apple’s”, “Moon Unit’s” and “Jermajesty’s” out there! And no, I am not making those names up. Anyhow, whatever happens, I hope they get to lead somewhat of a normal life… at least for the first moments of their new family’s life.

Also, I would like to wish DH a Happy (belated) Birthday. Nothing fancy this year (as he requested); just brunch, gifts and a steak and lobster dinner (I cooked). There is more in store, but that will come later!

And, this Friday we are going to see the comedian Danny Bhoy at Montreal’s Just for Laughs. Usually we see more but the line-up just wasn’t right for us this year. The bigger comedians we would have liked to see are hosting galas filled with people we don’t really know, and since I am not a fan of the galas we just got tickets for the one show. He actually has a funny story about when he met the Queen, so in the spirit of the royal baby… here you go!

The first time Danny Bhoy met the Queen, he was more nervous than he expected.

''Oh, you're the comedian, are you?'' she asked him.

Unwittingly mimicking her posh accent, he was horrified to hear himself reply, ''I am he,'' before giving a regal bow.

Their second encounter, a few years later, was even more embarrassing. After hearing her say it was nice to meet him, Bhoy found himself blathering about how they had already met: that one time, after the awards show, in that room at that place …

''She has 300 engagements a year,'' Bhoy says. ''As if she's going to remember some prick who shook her hand four years ago.''

Nodding politely, the Queen waited for him to finish, then inquired, ''What does one do if one's audience does not laugh?''

''One shits oneself,'' he blurted, at which point her minders quickly ushered him away. He was pleased, however, to notice Her Majesty stifling a laugh.

You can read the full interview here.

Back To The Future

“You have to let some people go.
Everyone in your life is meant to be in your journey,
but not all of them are meant to stay till the end.”

Some time ago, this began as s a blog about TTC with PCOS and the one subject I haven’t talked about in ages is exactly that; TTC with PCOS. Why? Because… while we are not doing anything to stop a pregnancy, we haven’t actively been TTC either. And guess what? We aren’t expecting!

Yes, that’s right; the myth that once you STOP thinking about it and STOP trying so hard, it just happens out of the blue… is false! *gasp*

Medically, I know that it is probably near impossible to happen naturally, but for a variety of reasons we have not been through any invasive IUI, IVM or IVF procedures in over a year! And while I am really upset about that on one hand, I am much happier with other things that we have been focusing on in the meantime so I feel more balanced than I have in a while actually.

Focusing on the positive has been just that, positive! We have worked hard, both individually and as a couple, to improve on our relationship and communication skills before bringing a baby into the equation. We are working hard to remove all negativity and drama from our lives, even if it means severing some ties or reducing the amount of time spent with certain people. We are both focusing more on our health now and, in my case, finally acknowledging and dealing with some problems that have been ignored in the past. And, I have even been putting aside a little more money than usual to be able to stay home on maternity leave for at least two years instead of one when the time comes without worry, and that amount will simply continue to grow barring anything unexpected. Maybe I won’t ever have to work again! (DH, are you reading this? Hint! Hint!) Seriously though, I used to want three kids and now I just want one healthy pregnancy no matter what comes from it (single or twins), so I want to be able to spend as much time with my family as possible. It took me a long time to accept this reality but I am happy with this plan!

I don’t think that I talked about this very much, but through my last couple of treatments with the hospital I was not feeling very well, emotionally. It wasn’t the treatments themselves, but rather the facility. Ever since the government has been subsidizing treatment, the atmosphere at the hospital changed. There were too many patients to handle, wait times were stupidly long, and everyone just seemed generally strung out. A couple of the staff members, who I had developed a good connection with, left around the same time as well so the whole experience was just awful. Add hormones to that and it was unbearable!

So, in the spirit of change, we are now looking into other options. We have not closed our file with the hospital just yet, but we have a couple of consultations lined up elsewhere and if we find a good match we will happily move on from the hospital and hopefully never need to look back! Also, I have made a tough decision NOT to share too many details of treatment in the future and to keep things a little more private (at least while it is in progress). In fact, I think the first round that we attempt will be reserved for us and us alone (minus a couple of exceptions whom I couldn’t do it without).

Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted... even if it is not what you want right now and looking back you aren’t sure it was the right decision in the first place, it was right for you then.

Two Words

This was originally sent to me by a counselor I have been in touch with. It's amusing so I thought I would share!

Lately my husband and I have been playing the game “Two Words”. You won’t find this game in Wal-Mart or in any of the specialty game stores. You’ll find it right in your own home. I’m sure you’re playing it already, if not with your spouse, with someone you know.
 
This is how the game is played. I’m telling my husband a story with detail. It’s very important to me. After a few moments I notice a look on his face and I say, “You’re not listening.”
 
And he says, “Yes I am.”
 
And then I say, “No you’re not, I can tell.”
 
And he’ll say, “I heard every word you said.”
 
And then he brings back two words from my conversation, just enough to let me know he’s heard something of my story, but I know he hasn’t really heard it all. And yet, the two words are satisfying enough, so I go on. But then I wonder, so I ask him again, “You’re not listening to me, are you?”
 
“Yes, I am!”
 
“Okay, what did I say?”
 
“You said - shorts and sunshine.”
 
Men have an amazing ability when the conversation is not as engaging as they’d like, to leave the room mentally, go hit a few golf balls down the green, shoot some pool, or run the last innings of the baseball game. They also have another wonderful ability to bring back the last 20 words their wife has said when they hear her say, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”
 
“Yes I did, you said something about the colours of the mouse at Disneyworld and how that would look good hanging on the line in the back yard.”
 
You see, that was my test! I inserted some silly words just to find out if he was listening.  Two words? Twenty? Hmmm, am I losing out here?
 
What if we told the men that we also have amazing abilities? When they talk about motors and cars, wheels, or the stats on the hockey game, we women can go away in our mind, shop, pick out colours for the living room, move furniture, solve problems that kids handed to us earlier, and still do all the “hummmms, and ahahs” at the right moment. We don’t even need to bring back two words because our fellow never tests us by saying, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”
 
This is life! We all have such amazing abilities.

Some Summer Updates

I just realized that I never wrote anything about my trip to Toronto back in May/June! Despite all of my travelling this was only my second time flying alone (both ways) so that was kind of, er, cool. My BFF picked me up at the airport and we pretty much just hung out for the weekend like old times, only grown-ups now! The main reason for the trip was just to spend some time together, but she also had her baby shower that weekend so it was great to be included in something that I generally don’t get to be a part of due to distance. She has since moved into her new home and has the adorable nursery just about ready to go! She looks radiant, has about 6 more weeks to go, and then I get to hop on a plane again and get to meet my nephew for the very first time this September! I can’t wait to see the new house either!

Also, since half the family knows by now I assume I am allowed to post this? My sister-in-law is pregnant again! So, our already 2 year old niece will be getting a little sister or brother for Christmas this year! Is it me, or does the time fly? Hopefully sometime this century we will be able to give her a little cousin too!

Um… what else?

Oh, a few weeks ago I posted an open letter to an old friend here and a few people have asked me to post an update about this. Because it is so personal and private, I will just say that the letter was seen and we did in fact get together once since then. We will just have to wait and see where things go from here… one day at a time.

Lastly, we went camping last week at the Whiteface Mountain KOA in Lake Placid, NY. We usually camp at the Ivy Lea KOA in the 1000 Islands but this place is giving it a run for its money! We really liked it there and now that we both have Nexus cards crossing the border is fast which makes this place more appealing than it used to be. We shopped in Plattsburgh (of course) and, even though it rained every day we made out extremely well; pitching the tent minutes before the rain started and buying a kitchen tent off another camper for 50$ helped! We made it to Ausable Chasm as well, but we didn’t get to do some of the other things I had planned because of the weather. Instead, we took an un-scheduled trip to Vermont by ferry and went to the Ben and Jerry’s Factory! Oh, and the most “memorable” part of the trip was first posted on Facebook as: “See baby deer on side of road. See baby deer jump out in front of car. See my heart jump out of my chest. See hubby not hit baby deer. See baby deer safe on the other side of road. Stupid baby deer!” Yes…. we are all ok… but my heart was racing a mile a minute! I guess I should also mention that I had tent envy the whole time so we have since gone out and bought a new, bigger, tent as well. I like our old tent, but I find it kind of small for longer periods of time and it’s hard to keep things away from the sides when it rains it seems. I have booked the campground again later this summer so we can try out the new mansion and I am wondering who is going to use the guesthouse with us? Any takers?

So, what’s to come? A surprise party for DH’s birthday, a family vacation, a wedding that I cannot wait for, my birthday, the arrival of my nephew, and another camping trip! This is a busy summer!