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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Looking Back On 2014

This last year has certainly had its share highs and lows, and one thing that has been reinforced is that life just simply isn’t fair. And, yes, I knew this before but it seems to get clearer as the years go by. I have many examples of why I feel this way, but it all started with the loss of my father-in-law.

Almost a year has passed but I am still very angry that he was taken away; from his wife, his sons, and his grandchildren especially. There are some horrible fathers out there, fathers who do not deserve the children that they have, and yet they are still here – alive and well. A handful of them are sick, their health deteriorating while their loved ones grudgingly come to their bedside to look after them, but they simply won’t let go and let their families move on with their lives. I hate to say it, but for some I feel it is their last evil deed before they go! And yet this family, MY FAMILY, went through hell and back and has spent the year grieving the unexpected loss of a GOOD man. Why? How was that fair? I mean it when I said he re-defined what a father meant to me, because before him I had an extremely poor example of that role. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly had my differences with him over the years (mostly cultural and generational) but, with those aside, it was through him that I know I chose the right man to one day be the father of my children; I see him in my brother-in-law already with our nieces and I know DH will be an amazing father whenever he gets the chance.

And that leads me to… disappointment. I guess it goes without saying that a part of me is perpetually heartbroken over not being able to have our family already. I really am disappointed in the outcome of out last treatment but I have not lost hope one bit. If anything, the letdowns are only fueling the fire in me to go on. But something else happened in the last year that I never expected; people who I never would have dreamed of have truly disappointed me a couple of times now, while others who I have completely lost touch with over time are starting to come back into my life in a surprisingly positive way. And, to be honest, it’s kind of nice! There are a couple of new friends in my circle who I adore, but nothing beats a renewed childhood friendship.

And last but not least… DH. We have had our share of ups and downs, unfairness and disappointment in the past as well, but looking back over the last year or so I would say we are far from those days now! In the last few months alone he has been an amazing support to me, and pretty much the only support I really had. Going into the next round of tests I need to deal with he will be the only one there once again, BY CHOICE, and I am very happy with that decision because I know that I can rely on him – and isn’t that a great feeling? A friend once said to me that it took her 10 years to truly fall in love with her husband, and I completely understand her now. There has always been love between us, but it is different now – better, but indescribable.

So, I guess the best things that came out of the last year was that I have renewed faith in myself, remaining hope in the TTC department, and more love for DH than I have ever had before. Now, maybe if I could find a little bit of pixie dust somewhere 2015 will have more ups than downs!

Happy New Year’s everybody!