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Friday, July 4, 2014

Breaking My Silence

A while back I promised that I wouldn’t talk about my treatments so openly in the future in order to maintain some privacy. And that is exactly what I intended to do… until everything fell apart.

A week ago, we were supposed to start our next round of IVF. We moved our vacation up, stalled some work plans, took some time off to cope with the side effects and, as usual, took a bunch of hormones just to start treatment when planned. Everything was going smoothly, until I called for my first ultrasound.

This is a semi-private clinic, no longer the hospital. I have been with them for a year and have been so much happier there despite the associated costs. But last week they received a letter from the government stating that, until further notice, they could not use their operating room – something that I will need, twice. They were trying to work something out with another clinic, a partnership, so they postponed me for a couple of days hoping that it would work out but it fell through as well. So, they had no choice but to cancel our treatment. They offered to do IUI, but for the expense and the slim chance of success we passed.

I have since been told that I should see my doctor for a follow-up in the private clinic, but since I am also still “active” at the hospital I should look into going back there for treatment as well. Thankfully, my doctor at the clinic is also at the hospital and they allowed me to transfer my file to him (after initially telling me that I could not, until I explained that I left the hospital in part because of my old doctor and that many reservations I had about him have since been confirmed and I refused to see him again), but that still means possibly going back to the hospital for treatment... which terrifies me. No one knew this before, and I just told my SIL a few days ago, but when our second niece was born at that same hospital I didn’t even want to go and see her!

When we agreed to start treatment again I was so happy that I went against my better judgment and told a bunch of people about it and now a part of me regrets that. I guess I have learned my lesson for next time, at least. I am so tired of being asked how I feel, how I’m doing, is there anything that will make me feel better? I feel like crap! I feel like the world was pulled out from under me. I am angry. This whole process has worn me down. I am completely deflated and disappointed. I am fighting off depression, and half of the time I am losing that battle. I honestly have not been myself since. I feel helpless and hopeless. I just feel like giving up or moving on to adoption (which I am still not ok with). Not to offend anyone, but what else do you expect me to feel? What miracle can you possibly perform to make this go away? Nothing can be done! What’s done is done. I am at the mercy of the medical system… good luck with that!

I have appointments set up in July and August with my own clinic, the hospital, and a bigger private clinic which is still operating. I am trying to reign everything back in and get back on track. I realize that our summer plans have been completely derailed and there is nothing I can do about it. I know that this will take months to start over again and I am trying to accept that. And I am hoping that I do not have to return to the hospital for treatment, because that is the last place I want to be.