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Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Is It April Already?

As quickly as my tan fades, so do the feelings of relaxation, calm, and carefree living.

It was only a week long vacation, but the weight lifted during that time (with the exception of the first day) was something I could never accomplish here at home!

Initially we were going to go to a different resort, a little more kid friendly, but I decided that going “home” would be a much better idea for me in terms of nerves and anxiety. I am not good with anything new these days, and from the moment I booked our spot I felt relieved.

My nervous anxiety became excited anticipation… all the way until we checked into our flight.

While DH used the self-check-in machines at the airport, my heart began racing and total fear came over me. What-if, how, why, what about… and the tears started rolling down my cheeks. All set to go, he looked at me and he knew… just take a minute, breathe, he tells me. But we still have 45 minutes left on our cancellation insurance, we don’t have to go!

No, we have to go. I need to go. We need to go. Suck it up!

We made our way to baggage, through security, and into the lounge area. I spent most of the time on the phone with my BFF just trying to feel normal again while DH chased the LO around the airport. She was having a blast! Why wasn’t I? Finally it came close to boarding time and something came over me… I felt, ok? Not more than that, but not less. I took the LO to the window and watched a couple of planes fly in and then we queued up for our flight…

Our extremely uneventful flight! Thank you!!!

As soon as we landed I could smell the Caribbean air. The humidity started frizzing my hair, the sweat from being overdressed with a baby strapped to my chest felt surprisingly good, and I could hear music playing in the distance that almost made me want to dance. We were home! Hola everybody!

The 45 minute ride to the resort went well, our upgraded room was spectacular, our view was amazing, and the pools, the food, the VIP beach, the people… everything was perfect. Very quickly, I felt like me again. I always said that I am a very different person on vacation, and apparently that hasn’t changed.

Usually we start our day with itinerary in hands… this time, not a plan in hand! The LO pretty much steered the whole trip, and that was more than fine by me! From early morning to dinner time, my mind stopped racing. At night I slept, restfully with no sleep aids. You would think it was the rum, but I wasn’t even drinking!

I was just… me, again. And, I miss me.

We have been back for close to 3 weeks now. The first week wasn’t horrible, but it ended with another trip to the ER and yet another ear infection for the LO along with an expected referral to see the ENT again. A little nervous that she will likely be recommended for surgery and ear tubes, but I will deal with that when the time comes.

For the last 10 days I have been a work widow again, and that is when I find my mental state worsening day by day. DH comes home tomorrow, so that should be the last of it, but I am very “weak” right now. I’ve been worse, though. Bright side? I wanted to come off my medication this May when I follow-up with my psychiatrist, but I don't think that I will be ready.

We are looking into camping again this summer, or a trip to Niagara Falls or New York City… but if the price is right, we just might have to go “home” again.