Turning Over A New Leaf

It is hard to believe I have maintained this blog for four whole years now. And not only have I maintained it, but I am trying to expand on it as well! In the beginning I thought that I would be writing only for myself and that nobody would read this, but every time I check Google Analytics (which tracks and reports a number of details for me) I am pleasantly surprised to see that not only a few people visit my blog, but hundreds from all around the globe! I am just a tiny little fish in a big ocean, but it feels good!

So, nearly a year ago I wrote that we were looking into different options regarding treatment because I was no longer happy with the public hospital system and lack of care. Ok, that was putting it mildly; I was beyond pissed and completely fed up of being a number! There, I said it! I also said that I would not be sharing too many details publically about treatment in the future, at least in the beginning, and I am sticking to that but I wanted to share a little bit of good news in the meantime.

We did in fact look into other options last August, and we ended up at a semi-private clinic with a doctor I had previously met at the hospital who I liked very much. It was actually this doctor that convinced me to go for IVM vs. IVF way back when. He was happy to take our case on and we have met a number of times since, and always on time! While I am extremely happy with the clinic itself, I have to redo all of my tests before we can go ahead with anything else and that has been a bit frustrating. Of course, since it is semi-private we need to pay for everything we do, but that was to be expected and we are ok with that. What bothers me is that I seem to have developed a bit of anxiety towards the whole process.

Every time I go for a test, other than blood tests, I get extremely nervous and anxious in the days leading up to it; like, even seeing my regular Gynecologist made me squirm. I have had a couple of ultrasounds already to confirm that I still have PCOS (duh!), we will be doing a mock-transfer (yes, you read that correctly – a pretend embryo transfer to see if there will be any future challenges) and another sonohystogram in the near future (Google that one, I hate it).

Even having been through the whole process many times before, knowing what each step involves and having access to better pain medication through the private facility I still get weird about it! I sincerely hope that I get over this fast because I want to enjoy this process as much as possible and not grow fearful of it… sigh.

Writer’s Block?

I keep telling myself that I just have writer’s block, something I have experienced countless times before, but I think my problem is actually the contrary. Over the last couple of months I have drafted numerous blog entries (yes, I do pre-write for quiet times or just to get things off my chest), come up with many ideas for new things to write about, spoken to a few people about guest blogging, and more… yet I have been posting less!

 Clearly this blog has gone off focus for some time now, from where it began anyway, but that doesn’t mean that my focus in real life has in the least. I do plan do get this space back on sync with everything that is going on sooner rather than later, but I am just not ready yet; I need a little bit more time for that. Maybe that’s the block? Maybe because I am not ready to write about what I created this space for, I just can’t seem to write about anything? Or maybe I just can’t focus because I have wandered off into too many ideas?

I honestly miss writing half of the time. And not just blogging; creative writing, poetry, short stories… things I always used to do. I was half considering taking a writing class the other day just so that I could explore that side of my creativity again. Then I looked into it and asked myself when I ever needed a class to write! It sounds kind of ridiculous, no? Mind you, lately I can’t even stick to one simple book to read so maybe writing is a stretch. I used to read a book every week or two but now I have a pile on my e-reader and on my bookshelf, waiting, and I can’t seem to get into any of them.

I have also been dealing with insomnia for the last week or so again, but that is because DH is away. I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour and instead I end up doing all kinds of things that I know will keep me up. Right now, it is nearly an hour after I wanted to go to bed and instead I was fixing some of the backend of my blog, listening to a new album I got (Lorde – Pure Heroine) and writing this entry. None of which are anywhere near the idea of sleep!

And on that note, I really do need to get to bed! Maybe I need to jot down all of my ideas and try to get them into some sense of order so that I can focus on them better. But not tomorrow, because DH is coming home! Yay! No more insomnia!

Goodnight, for real this time...