"Anybody can become angry - that is easy,
but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree
and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way -
that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."
Monday, May 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Facing Demons
“'Tis better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.”
Over the years I have come to realize that I am not a victim of my past, but rather a survivor. This is where I draw the majority of my strength from and I have realized that it is also what separates me from others in many cases. A survivor is to a victim as oil is to water; they don’t mix. Looking back, I recognize now why some relationships (family, friends, co-workers, etc…) would have never worked out no matter how hard we tried and why other bonds are so strong.
“Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the ones you NEED:
To help you, hurt you, leave you, or love you…
and to make you into the person you were meant to be.”
To help you, hurt you, leave you, or love you…
and to make you into the person you were meant to be.”
I am not sure where the above quote came from or when I first saw it, but I swear by it. Sure, when I look back over my life, there are a ton of things I would never wish on my worst enemy; but if they never would have happened, then who would I be now? I realize now that “these people” were put into my life to hurt me and, in a few cases, to leave me as well. But I also know now that they helped me. They were in my life to give me strength, courage, and confidence in myself. Because of them, obstacles now present a challenge to me; not defeat. Not to mention that I have learned from their mistakes and have/will “break the cycle” as they say.
It took me years to figure things out and get where I am today but, thankfully, I have had many people to lean on for support during the bumpy ride I took to get here. I admit that it wasn’t always positive support (no regrets, although hindsight is 20/20), but I am glad that when I needed it most I found the RIGHT people to surround myself with. I needed those people (yes, even the bad ones in their time). They helped me, they loved me, and they were a crucial part in making me who I am today. Without them, I may not have been here at all…
Except, where are those people now? What place do they have in my life today? Now that I can stand on my own two feet, who remains alongside me? This is something I have been asking myself over and over the last couple of weeks and I am struggling with some of the answers I have found. It’s never easy, even when someone hurts and leaves you, but what about the ones who love and care about you? Who helped you get your life on track and then vanish, often times with no forewarning? After everything I have been taught, that is one thing I never learned how to accept… not well, anyhow.
I have come to terms with many things in my past. I understand why some people hurt me, why others have left me, and even why some have come back. I try to welcome all of these things into my life some way or another because in the greater scheme of things it all makes sense. But some of the more recent events don’t make sense. I have been betrayed and abandoned many times before, but I can count on one hand the times I have had to let go of someone I truly cared about! The wounds are still fresh, and I guess that only time will tell – but I am hurting and not afraid to say so!
I am gathering the courage to confront my demons one by one, but some of their faces shock me…
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Cracked Pot
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, but the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”
The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
So, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, but the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”
The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
So, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
My Farewell to Nana
Yesterday I posted the eulogy that I wrote for Nana, but a friend reminded me that I also said the closing words for the service and that I might want to post these as well. Here they are:
While searching for some inspiration on my closing words, many memorial poems and readings popped up but they were far too dark and gloomy for my tastes. However, amidst all of these, I also fell upon Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind” – the Princess Diana Tribute. It made me laugh because as much as Nana would speak against the monarchy, while cleaning her residence we found a special edition of HELLO Magazine about the past Royal weddings, Princess Diana, as well as “Inside details about Will and Kate”. I never knew my grandmother read the tabloids, let alone those about the Royal Family!
I have always loved this song, and many of the words remind me of my grandmother, so in closing I would like to read a small part of the lyrics, with some creative liberties, in her honor:
While searching for some inspiration on my closing words, many memorial poems and readings popped up but they were far too dark and gloomy for my tastes. However, amidst all of these, I also fell upon Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind” – the Princess Diana Tribute. It made me laugh because as much as Nana would speak against the monarchy, while cleaning her residence we found a special edition of HELLO Magazine about the past Royal weddings, Princess Diana, as well as “Inside details about Will and Kate”. I never knew my grandmother read the tabloids, let alone those about the Royal Family!
I have always loved this song, and many of the words remind me of my grandmother, so in closing I would like to read a small part of the lyrics, with some creative liberties, in her honor:
It seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always fall you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will
Goodbye Nana
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
Goodbye Nana
From family and friends - lost without your soul
Who'll miss everything about you
More than you'll ever know
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My Eulogy for Nana
Last Friday evening we held a memorial service for my grandmother. I was very surprised to see some people attend and also disappointed not to see some others that I had expected (not including those whom I had spoken to earlier – I understand why you couldn’t be there). In the end, there could have been 1 person or 100 and it wouldn’t have mattered to me because this was all for Nana and I know that she was there in spirit.
While many people could not attend, a number have asked me for a copy of my eulogy so that they could read it. So, I figured I would save myself some time and post it here for all of you to see as well.
Strong, independent, courageous, artistic, imaginative, free spirited, and brave... Stubborn, hard headed, argumentative, and sometimes unreasonable... These are all adjectives that have come to characterize me over the years. Some are quite positive, and others, not so much. But, before these words were ever used to describe me, anyone who knew her knew that they described my grandmother and I am proud to say that in all of those ways and more I definitely take after my Nana.
She was born December 11, 1919, in England. She was the second oldest of 5 children, 4 girls and 1 boy. She married my grandfather in 1947, here in Montreal, and together they had only one child, my mother. I was her only grandchild and she was the only grandmother I ever knew growing up. At 92, she had outlived all of her siblings, her husband, and many of her friends.
Over the last few years I have tried to take the time to find out more about her life as a child, her family, why she signed up for WWII, why she came to Canada, and anything else she could share with me. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago we began working on a detailed family tree together and I learned even more about her family. She was filled with stories and always ready to share them with anyone who would listen. She could remember years and dates and stories she had been told dating back to before she was ever born! Her head was filled with tales and history and I am happy that she shared them with me; I only wish there had been time for more.
My grandmother was also a writer. She would write me children’s stories when I was younger that were better than any book you could buy. I still have some of them tucked away. She loved to draw, sew and do crafts as well. She loved to cook, bake and experiment in the kitchen. And she had many, many, friends surrounding her. Half the time you called you would get a busy signal! I have learned more about her in the last couple of years than I ever have before... and, in turn, I have learned more about myself.
There are countless stories I could tell you about her, but there is one in particular that she loved and shared the most. She has told me the story countless times, as recently as a month ago, so I will share it with you today on her behalf. Apparently, when I was younger, someone came up to me and said “Did you know that your grandmother looks like the Queen of England”? And I, being cut from the same cloth as my Nana, turned and replied “No she doesn’t! The Queen looks like MY Nana”! She laughed whenever she told that story... and I will miss hearing it in her own words.
In the end, everything happened so quickly. She was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and she asked me to come the next morning with a bag of things for her and said she was looking forward to seeing me. But the minute I saw her the next morning, I knew things had taken a turn for the worse. She asked relentlessly, through strained breaths, for a cup of tea and I knew then that that was all I could do for her anymore. When the nurses asked her if she was feeling alright she would say she was fine, but when they started the morphine she reached for my hand and held it tightly. We all knew what was coming.
In a strange way, I am glad that things happened the way that they did because she didn’t suffer for long. She had already been through so much in her life... she deserved to die peacefully, painlessly, and with dignity and that is exactly what she did. As my mother reminded me, her favourite song was “My Way” by Frank Sinatra... and that is exactly how she lived and died... her way, with a cup of tea.
We often say that people have a guardian angel watching over them. I don’t know if I did before, but I certainly will now. Since my grandfather passed in 1992 I have worn a poppy on Remembrance Day in his honour; to remember him as well as his service in WWI and II. This year I am saddened, but will also be proud to wear 2 poppies – one for each of my grandparents who are no longer with us.
Thank you all again for your endless support; it means the world to me. And, in the words of my Nana, “I will love and leave you now...”
While many people could not attend, a number have asked me for a copy of my eulogy so that they could read it. So, I figured I would save myself some time and post it here for all of you to see as well.
Strong, independent, courageous, artistic, imaginative, free spirited, and brave... Stubborn, hard headed, argumentative, and sometimes unreasonable... These are all adjectives that have come to characterize me over the years. Some are quite positive, and others, not so much. But, before these words were ever used to describe me, anyone who knew her knew that they described my grandmother and I am proud to say that in all of those ways and more I definitely take after my Nana.
She was born December 11, 1919, in England. She was the second oldest of 5 children, 4 girls and 1 boy. She married my grandfather in 1947, here in Montreal, and together they had only one child, my mother. I was her only grandchild and she was the only grandmother I ever knew growing up. At 92, she had outlived all of her siblings, her husband, and many of her friends.
Over the last few years I have tried to take the time to find out more about her life as a child, her family, why she signed up for WWII, why she came to Canada, and anything else she could share with me. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago we began working on a detailed family tree together and I learned even more about her family. She was filled with stories and always ready to share them with anyone who would listen. She could remember years and dates and stories she had been told dating back to before she was ever born! Her head was filled with tales and history and I am happy that she shared them with me; I only wish there had been time for more.
My grandmother was also a writer. She would write me children’s stories when I was younger that were better than any book you could buy. I still have some of them tucked away. She loved to draw, sew and do crafts as well. She loved to cook, bake and experiment in the kitchen. And she had many, many, friends surrounding her. Half the time you called you would get a busy signal! I have learned more about her in the last couple of years than I ever have before... and, in turn, I have learned more about myself.
There are countless stories I could tell you about her, but there is one in particular that she loved and shared the most. She has told me the story countless times, as recently as a month ago, so I will share it with you today on her behalf. Apparently, when I was younger, someone came up to me and said “Did you know that your grandmother looks like the Queen of England”? And I, being cut from the same cloth as my Nana, turned and replied “No she doesn’t! The Queen looks like MY Nana”! She laughed whenever she told that story... and I will miss hearing it in her own words.
In the end, everything happened so quickly. She was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and she asked me to come the next morning with a bag of things for her and said she was looking forward to seeing me. But the minute I saw her the next morning, I knew things had taken a turn for the worse. She asked relentlessly, through strained breaths, for a cup of tea and I knew then that that was all I could do for her anymore. When the nurses asked her if she was feeling alright she would say she was fine, but when they started the morphine she reached for my hand and held it tightly. We all knew what was coming.
In a strange way, I am glad that things happened the way that they did because she didn’t suffer for long. She had already been through so much in her life... she deserved to die peacefully, painlessly, and with dignity and that is exactly what she did. As my mother reminded me, her favourite song was “My Way” by Frank Sinatra... and that is exactly how she lived and died... her way, with a cup of tea.
We often say that people have a guardian angel watching over them. I don’t know if I did before, but I certainly will now. Since my grandfather passed in 1992 I have worn a poppy on Remembrance Day in his honour; to remember him as well as his service in WWI and II. This year I am saddened, but will also be proud to wear 2 poppies – one for each of my grandparents who are no longer with us.
Thank you all again for your endless support; it means the world to me. And, in the words of my Nana, “I will love and leave you now...”
Friday, May 6, 2011
Memorial Service for Nana Tonight
I thought I knew what tired was. I thought I knew what exhausted was. But I have now surpassed both of these to the point that I don’t even know how to describe what I am! I feel like a zombie. I can’t remember ever being this way before; at least not this bad. Insomnia (I guess you would call it that) is awful! I can’t focus or concentrate on anything the way I usually do. And forget about multi-tasking! You would think that being this tired your head would hit the pillow and you would fall asleep instantly… NOPE! I see every hour on the clock each night. I wanted to sleep so badly last night that I nearly broke into tears because I couldn’t. It is an awful feeling, it really is.
I have been this way, and getting worse, since the first 2am phone call Easter morning about my grandmother. My whole schedule was off last week with the hospital and cleaning out the residence and then this week, planning the memorial and going back to work has wiped me out. But, despite being exhausted, everything is done and ready! The chapel, eulogy, flowers, catering, handouts, and more! You name it, it’s done. Nothing came easy of course (what else is new) but it is a few hours away and I think it will be fine. It will be sad for sure, but necessary for closure. My grandmother didn’t care either way if we had a memorial or not, but I needed this. And, for those who cannot make it, I may post what I am planning to say at the memorial here on my blog. If I don’t, you can always ask me for it if you are interested in reading it.
I don’t usually show stress anymore, at least not the way I used to. But I feel it from head to toe. My body is aching (especially my bad shoulder again), my eating habits are all over the place (McDonald’s, Scores, Tim Horton’s, in-law’s, and anywhere but home it seems LOL), my focus is way off and my sleep ranges from terrible to non-existent. After tonight, I hope that my stress levels go down and then I am looking forward to going home and getting some SLEEP!
Again, I want to thank you all for your condolences and offers to help me over the last couple of weeks. I know I haven’t taken many people up on their offers but I do appreciate them. Despite the insomnia, I am still very much a “hands-on” person so I couldn’t let things go! Another way that I take after my Nana I guess…
I have been this way, and getting worse, since the first 2am phone call Easter morning about my grandmother. My whole schedule was off last week with the hospital and cleaning out the residence and then this week, planning the memorial and going back to work has wiped me out. But, despite being exhausted, everything is done and ready! The chapel, eulogy, flowers, catering, handouts, and more! You name it, it’s done. Nothing came easy of course (what else is new) but it is a few hours away and I think it will be fine. It will be sad for sure, but necessary for closure. My grandmother didn’t care either way if we had a memorial or not, but I needed this. And, for those who cannot make it, I may post what I am planning to say at the memorial here on my blog. If I don’t, you can always ask me for it if you are interested in reading it.
I don’t usually show stress anymore, at least not the way I used to. But I feel it from head to toe. My body is aching (especially my bad shoulder again), my eating habits are all over the place (McDonald’s, Scores, Tim Horton’s, in-law’s, and anywhere but home it seems LOL), my focus is way off and my sleep ranges from terrible to non-existent. After tonight, I hope that my stress levels go down and then I am looking forward to going home and getting some SLEEP!
Again, I want to thank you all for your condolences and offers to help me over the last couple of weeks. I know I haven’t taken many people up on their offers but I do appreciate them. Despite the insomnia, I am still very much a “hands-on” person so I couldn’t let things go! Another way that I take after my Nana I guess…
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